A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I found out that my husband gave one of his male friends oral. It happened when we were all drinking and I found out from his friend about 2 weeks after it happened. Here is a little background: This friend of his has always wanted to have his way with me and we always joke about it but honestly didn't think it would ever happen. His friend told me that he thought he was getting close to making it happen. He then told me I could not say anything and then informed me that one night when we were all at our house drinking and they went out for a smoke that it just happened. My husband mentioned it and then did it. I guess it wasn't for a long time and they didn't "finish" anything but that he then mentioned that maybe they could finish things later. Honestly, it's not a big deal to me. I am bisexual and I guess my main problem is that he feels he can't tell me about it. I am very open and under the right conditions would consider having a threesome with his friend but since his friend told me I can't tell it's killing me. I am sure since I just found out 2 days ago that is part of the reason and it may go away with time...it's just hard. I'm in a tough situation. I think I may try to talk to his friend and ask if maybe I can mention it to him or if he can talk to him for me. It's just hard on me to act like nothing is wrong and harder for me to look at him and know he is keeping something from me. I have a feeling if I did bring this up to him he would freak out just because of the situation, I know many guys are very sensitive when it comes to "being gay"...I know he is not gay...but he may not take it so good at first. Any advice is welcome. Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk....another update for anyone who is interested. Again, thank you all so much for your advice. It really did help me out and made me feel better about my feelings. Here's what happened:I called the "friend" and told him that I just didn't think I could keep this to myself anymore. He was upset and said that he is a "bad judge of character and he shouldn't of told me" he said he thought I could of taken the news better and that he didn't think it would bother me. He said he understood and knew I would tell and if it was "tearing me up" that much inside then "do what I had to do" He was a little snotty saying all of this. He kept telling me that I would find out eventually if we all did something. This made me realize and confirm that the only reason he told me was for personal gain. He was doing anything he could to get me to sleep with him. Sorry but that's not the way into my pants. Honestly, I felt as though he was manipulating me and I was pissed. He said he would just steer clear of us from now on and when I said I would talk to him later he said "probably not" so I said "fine" and hung up the phone. My stomach was in knots thinking about how and when I should bring this up to my husband. I waited for him to get off work and settle in and I mentioned it. In a nutshell......he said it didn't happen. He wasn't as upset as I thought he might have been but he did say that his friend always talks shit and would do whatever he could to sleep with me. And that was about that. I told him I had to talk to him and that I knew he would do the same if he heard that about me. He said he was going to talk to his "friend" at some point. I told him I didn't really care IF it did happen but that I would like to know. I also mentioned getting an STD or something and that we are married and I would be very upset if something got brought into our marriage by doing something stupid. So, I don't know...I feel better about things. It may or may not of happened. At least I told him I knew and he knows that if it did happen he didn't get away with it. I seem to find out anything that happens. So, thanks again everyone!!
A
female
reader, Jendorset  +, writes (24 May 2007):
Why shouldnt you confront him ? If it was the other way round he would probly confront you. For the sake of your marriage, bring it up. Or you will resent him, or he will think he got away with it and maybe do worse next time. He may even start cheating with woman. I dont see why you should do anything for this friend. Why does this friend think you should keep it to yourself, tell this friend to piss off and stay away from you both. You dont even know 100% if its true. So ask your husband, or you may loose him.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 Hi Eddie,
You made your point. I felt you were judging it, and I you stated you didn't, so I was wrong. Thanks for writing back.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (23 May 2007):
 Hey Frank B Kermit, what's up? As to your question about offering advice without experiencing bi sexuality ,we offer advice based on life experiences and our opinions. We don't have to participate in a threesome to know there are downsides to that type of thing. It is not always necessary to experience something first hand to understand it's risky business.
For example, I said threesomes can hurt feelings and open wounds. I stand by that. If you read the question posters reply, she says she might not have been able to handle the situation had he husband been with another woman. That leads me to believe the relationship is not as open as they may think.
As far as givig support, I think telling someone to be careful what they wish for, is offering support. Yelling or screaming because what they're doing is immoral, is not being supportive. Also, it's not my concern if they have complete disclosure with eachother. As in this case, he put another man's penis in his mouth but forgot to tell his wife. Where is the honesty and openness there? There is a reason he didn't tell her and I imagine it had to do with her potential reaction. If people want to live in a "truly" open marriage,then they should live it. As proven here he didn't feel comfortable enough to tell his wife about is experience though.
People often think they can handle the reality of living out a fantasy but many times it leaves them feeling insecure with their partner. As I said, I have not been in a threesome with my wife but I know others who have. There is a downside and that is how I can offer advice.
Finally, I don't judge these folks or think they are immoral. Does it sound like a great fantasy , me and two women, sure it does. I'm not sure I'd be as thrilled if my wife was getting off with another dude though. So for me, that is the downside. What two adults do in their marriage is up to them. I only promote honesty and trust.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (23 May 2007):
Yup, it definately sounds like the "friend" was just trying to break you and your husband apart.
I think you should TELL your husband. The longer you keep it in, the more of a wedge will be created between the two of you.
If it is true, then you and your husband are both bi, or bi-curious, and THAT might bring you closer together.
If it is false, then you know that the friend does not want a threesome, he wants to break up your marriage so he can have sex with you...if he gets it, he will never want you for a relationship as he will back-rationalise that you are the one not trustworthy.
FOr the other advice givers here...if you have no experience with bisexuality or alternative forms of relationships, then why give advice? Give support if you can.
-Frank B Kermit
franktalks.com
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. I do appreciate it. To give you all an "update"....I talked to the "friend" that told me this about my husband. I asked him if my husband asked him to not say anything to me...he said "No, I just figured it was kinda implied" which I do understand. Then I told him that I thought I needed to say something to my husband because it was bothering me and he got a little upset. He said "I knew I shouldn't have told you!!!" I said "You really shouldn't of...what was your reasoning behind this? What were you trying to gain?" He said that he was just hoping it could bring us all closer to a threesome. He asked me over and over to not tell my husband and I said I would try but could not make any promises. Like a couple of you said, my loyalty should be to my husband. For all I know, this guy is making this up just to make me do something. I don't know. My husband knows something is wrong with me, he has asked me quite a few times the last couple days. I think I may TRY to keep it in a little while longer and hope it goes away but then again...I don't know if I should. I would not be as calm about it if it was a girl, that's for sure. SO.....wish me luck and thank you all again! I needed to hear some of those things from you all. Take care!
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (22 May 2007):
Dont be rediculas, Hes cheated on you and you have a full right to bring it up. Would you be this calm if he did it to another woman ?
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (22 May 2007):
You play a dangerous game when you swing. It opens many wounds and is often difficult to handle. I've never done it and it might sound like a fantasy type thing but real life is often different. Be careful.
As far as your husband being gay, if he performs oral on another guy, that leads me to think he's not entirely straight. I don't know how to paint that picture any other way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): Why did you get married? Did you make vows and do you believe in them? I think that marriage is meant to protect couples and relationships against pressures and threats like the ones that you are facing and make people stop and think before doing something that seems frivolous, but which holds big, dark threats within it.
In theory whatever two people (etc) do in private is entirely up to them as long as it is consensual. The trouble is I don’t think people really consider what it means. It must be very difficult to have the sort of situation you describe (threesomes etc) without secrecy and betrayal. You are worried because your husband is not telling you about this and are starting to see the sort of scenario emerge that I imagine is common. When people have sex there is the high possibility that emotional bonds become more complicated. Secrets start to be formed and emotional intimacy can grow. Disloyalty comes. Your husband may discuss you and your relationship with the person that he is having sex with, for example. That would feel bad because it represents the kind of emotional intimacy and trust that I guess you would prefer was exclusive between you.
The trouble is that when you have sex with other people, you threaten this each and every time. Sex is more than a social activity, but people forget that in these times when everyone thinks they are so liberated. It has the power to forge and destroy relationships and so I think that is why it is so important to be careful and protect the person that you really love, as well as yourself from pain, loss of trust and betrayal. Is it so important to have sex with another person? It seems naïve to me when I hear people say that they are so free to do whatever they want and there is nothing wrong with it. Put your head on the block and just hope the axe does not fall….sort of thing.
I know sex is important but when I look at the state of the world (!)..and yet see so many people fretting over whether to have a threesome, or whether to swing…about their partner shuffling away into a hankerchief while watching porn on the internet… .it sometimes makes me want to laugh. It is strange that for the want of keeping their sex life exclusive with a person they love, instead people hawk it around and wonder why it makes them nervous. I would have though all this very obvious, but you sound like a kind and caring person so I hope you can make this situation work they way you want to and be happy.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (22 May 2007):
I think there is something more going on. I think the same person that told you something your husband wasn't ready to share with you, is probably the same person that suggested to your husband that you would not really understand. Basically, I think these guys underestimated how comfortable you would be with it. I think it is very possible that they are trying to cuase tensions between you and your husband so taht they can split you two up.
Talk to your husband. Your loyality is with him, not this "friend" who I think is trying to break up your marriage.
-FBK
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