A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have known each other for about ten years (since we were 18). We started dating at the six year mark of that, got engaged at the seven year mark and got married at the eight year mark. So, all in all, we've been together for four years and married for two.Now here come the problems (and I mean PROBLEMS). His dad emotionally and physically abused him and his older sister for most of their lives; did it to his mother as well but she died from cancer when they were only ten and eight.I was quite disturbed when I found out that his dad started sexually abusing his older sister when she turned 13. His older sister has since committed suicide; she was 17. His father, however, finally met his met match (and lost) in a car accident when he was driving drunk three years ago.My husband's entire immediate family is gone and he has only one grandparent left. His mother was an only child and his dad had a brother who died in Vietnam before he could have any kids. So he doesn't even have any cousins or aunts and uncles.Onto the point: My husband has always been a drinker. He partied hard in high school, had a lot of one night stands that he can't remember and nearly died of alcohol poisoning three times after he turned 18. He once told me that considering his "fucked up life and all the shit surrounding me", he would've been better off dead.It's been three years since his misery ended and now we're "happily" married but he still can't kick the alcohol. I realize he's had a very rough past and it can be hard, even impossible, to forget something like all that he's been through but I don't want him going down the same road he did just a few years ago. Especially since we eventually want to bring children into the world.It literally terrifies me. What can I do?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 How do you communicate with him? It is particularly easy for those who grew up with a traumatizing childhood to get addicted. And even more so if their parents experience stress during their upbringing as well. I say this because it is a lot easier for those who have had good childhoods to say no to alcohol, and to not even get addicted. It is a harder temptation for those who have had a stressful childhood. It is quite typical to turn to alcohol, because getting addicted is SO easy.
Has he ever admitted to having an addiction to alcohol? Have you talked to him about it? He should know it scares you. He should also attempt at stopping, although fallbacks are common. He needs to control his alcohol consumption if he's not already addicted. Aside from the alcohol, how is the rest of your marriage?
How long can he go without alcohol on a regular basis? Does he crave alcohol? Is he fine without it? How does he behave once he has had alcohol? How much does he consume at each occasion? Have you at all talked to him about this?
I am afraid to say that when he can't help himself it is your responsibility to help him. You married him, you are his closet family, even if he had other family-members you would still be the closest one. Of course it is his own responsibility to take care of himself, but when he can't you are the one who needs to step up to the plate and take charge of the ship.
Hows he doing with work and friends? Have you talked to anyone about this? Are there any phone-lines you could call for advice on how to approach the situation?
There are many alcoholics that have such a low consumption that the rest of the world isn't noticing it, or it's at such a low level it doesn't appear to be a problem, the person can stay at work, be happy and roundabout, and function well. But it will have an effect on his health, it is easy for him to escalate in consumption, it will cost a lot of money, and if he needs to go for long without alcohol he can become VERY moody. So even on a low scale it does have some negative effects on the surroundings.
Do not have children with him before you have dealt with this matter and figured out a good way to balance it. He will always be prone to any addiction, and he needs to understand this so he can take control over himself.
If he denies his alcohol consumption I suggest you gather all the bottles/write down how much he drinks to show him.
Talking to him is first step. Tell him you are scared and concerned, not mad at him, only wanting what is best for him and you as a family, and that you will help him. It is shameful to admit to being addicted, and it can take time before he will admit to that, if ever. So don't push that. Just express your concern first and see how he takes it, and if he's positive you should work through this. For example regulate how much and how often he drinks that is a "normal" level (for example only three times a month, and only two units per time?).
The next step is counseling or therapy for him. But in round one you can be the one he turns to with his problems. If the problems become to big for you to carry, you need to get him to a therapist. But men can sometimes be stubborn and refuse to see one. Often they hate accepting help, and especially from strangers, too much pride.
A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 This is so sad, I feel sorry for your husband, and it must be hard to escape that nightmare. Ask him to get help because he has to want the help in order for him to stop the drinking. I really think that he needs to see a professional to help him cope and live with his horrific past.
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