A
female
age
41-50,
*utu22
writes:My husband is a big drinker that hides his alcohol and drinks in private. He started lying to me a lot as soon as things were not so good between us. He hid things from me-even a phone call he got from his friend-simple things basically too. He wouldn't talk openly with me and was very fake. I felt like he was not my partner in life but instead we were enemies in the house avoiding each other. He started drinking way more even though he knew it that was a major problem. Through our relationship while we were married his mom would get involved and be rude with me and I would bring it up to him that she made me feel uncomfortable and he would just get mad at me. On my wedding day the parents tried to ruin it by causing problems and put so much pressure on him and made him feel guilty that I felt like he was not even there and made my day miserable. He never even thought once not to make my day happy and later when I asked him why his parents were arguing, he just wanted to ignore it and let it go, and this continued during our marriage-things unresolved. I am the type that likes to talk to my significant other about things and comfort each other. I felt like he was not talking to me. Was he instead talking to his mom? My question is, with all this in mind, would it be sane for me to stay with someone like this? Will he change? If the love grows? because I have had ex-boyfriend's and none of them have been like this even from day 1. So, I am a little confused. Are these things I should live with or can change? I don't have kids and would like to know before I bring children into this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): Some men do lie when they are confronted. This is because they do not want to get into an argument. They do not understand how hurtful it is to find out that they have been lying. The drink is a problem I think. I know, I have been through it. It can be sorted out but it is always there in the background as a doubt. His Mum and Dad may be demonstrating the same problem further down the line. How much do you love him? Because you had better be sure he is the only one for you before you go any further. I hope that you can work this out.
A
female
reader, tutu22 +, writes (9 March 2011):
tutu22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthis site is amazing. Thank you for answering and being there. one thing i wanted to add...can you believe that this man I am talking about is a doctor???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): my ex-husband was very very similar...compulsive liar, hiding things being so secretive, being fake, having various addictions....and no he was not a life partner, he wasn't even a partner to speak of. Later on he became abusive too. I stayed 11 years in this type of marriage until I literally broke.
Let me give you some advice from my personal experience :
1. do NOT bring children into your marriage. You already don't see him as your life partner, because his actions clearly show he doesn't see himself as your life partner. So how can you even think about having kids with him? What kind of family do you want your kids to have? surely not this kind?
Kids will limit your ability to leave your marriage and pursue a better future (and such a better future could include having kids anyway but with a real husband and having a real happy family, but this may not happen if you already have kids with a crappy husband).
You should only have kids with someone that you feel good about and confident about a future with. It's irresponsible to bring kids into an unhappy marriage. you are setting them up to have all kinds of emotional or psychological problems.
If you are asking "should I live with this or can I change this?" clearly your relationship is up in the air right now. so do not even think about bringing children into your marriage any time soon.
I understand you may be feeling the biological clock ticking, I personally think it's better to never have your own biological children if you were unfortunate enough to end up with men who do not make good life partners (you can always adopt later on) than to have kids from a bad marriage because a bad marriage can scar them for life and having kids with someone ties you to them forever.
If you were to some day divorce your husband because he's such a crappy deceitful untrustworthy partner and maybe you meet someone better, you would not want to be tied to him forever because of kids. Besides, being a single mom makes it harder to find a new man so having kids with your husband could really limit your chances at future relationship happiness if you divorced him later on (and by happiness I'm actually meaning non-misery, my standards are pretty low because of my marriage as you can see).
Finally, feeling the way you do about your husband, is he really the kind of man you want as the father of your children? Is he really the kind of person you are proud to mix your genes with? You want a baby whose genes include that of a liar, deceiver and alcoholic and who cares so little about you?
2. you ask can this be changed? Well it's entirely up to him, because you can't change anyone else.
what is the likelihood your husband will change? From what you've written, I will say very slim to non-existent. I don't see what incentive he has to change. he doesn't even sound like he's much bothered by the state of the marriage, only you are.
Bottom line is that your husband has to want to change. You can't change him. You can change your own behavior and hope that in return he'll want to change his but ultimately his reactions and his feelings and his motivations and behavior are totally out of your control.
so far you also asked "will he change? if the love grows?"
to which I ask, how can love grow when he's lying and hiding things from you and being fake with you, and thus you are seething with anger and having such toxic feelings toward him that you don't even see him as a life partner anymore?
3. So you ask "should I live with this?" My answer from personal experience is, not unless you want to grow increasingly miserable...and probably end up leaving him anyway but after wasting more years or maybe even decades of your life.
Right now you may still be able tolerate this because you're still strong but as the years drag on and take their toll and nothing changes or things get worse, or even if his behavior stays constant nevertheless you start to feel worse and worse because of the years of accumulated hurt and anger, you will feel trapped and desperate. You will become a bitter cynical person feeling that you wasted the best years of your life. Also, people who no longer can stand their spouses are ripe for temptation and falling into affairs because by that time anyone else in the world seems more attractive and more decent of a human being than your own husband. If you were foolish enough to have kids with your husband, you will be even more miserable when you finally have a real impetus to leave (because you've met someone truly better than him) because kids trap you with your current partner.
bottom line is, you should cut your losses and get out of this crappy marriage, with this man who doesn't seem to want to be a husband at all. Get out while you're still young enough to find a real man who will be a real husband to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): Yes, he will change... he'll very likely get worse. Give him an ultimatum, and STICK to it. Be prepared to leave. Drunks will temporarily reform to take the heat off, so don't get too excited if he "changes" for a few days... without recovery he'll slip right back into his disease.
Get to an al-anon meetings and talk to women who have walked before you down this same path... that program was vital in me finding myself after a 10 year relationship with a drunk.
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