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female
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*jeepgirl67
writes: My husband (of 2 months) and I went to his parents anniversary party. I took my 13 year old daughter and her b/f along. His parents waited until I had left the room and then decided that they didn't like the way the kids were sitting on the couch, made rude remarks to them and made my daughter cry. Needless to say that his mother and I had a discussion about the situation in front of my husband/her son and he didn't say anything at all except to tell me that it was her house and her rules. He let her say terrible things to me and never defended me or my daughter once. Needless to say our feelings were hurt. He believes his mother was perfectly in the right and I say she should have spoken to me first. We have not talked in 4 days. I need some advice on what to do. I love him dearly, we have been together for over 7 years, but I'm tired of being the whipping boy in the relationship, mom is always right no matter what. Any suggestions?
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female
reader, Ajeepgirl67 +, writes (31 July 2006):
Ajeepgirl67 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband and I have worked out the in-law problem with the help of our pastor. It really helped talking with her about it and having an unbiased opinion. We've come to the conclusion that they're from a different generation and see things differently than we do. I've agreed that when we are in the company of his parents to be polite. And he has agreed should any other arguments happen, that he will not defend them to me. After all I am a grown woman and I can defend myself and if his parents are big enough to start an argument then they should deal with it themselves, with no help from him. Thankfully his parents live 3 hours away and contact with them is minimal. I want to thank everyone who offered me advice. I was really doubting our relationship at the time and it helps to hear other view points. Thanks alot!!
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (26 July 2006):
 You won't be able to change the mother-in-law but you certainly can refuse to visit her. Let your husband visit on his own. Cut her out of your life. Maybe that will get the point across. Get back to your normal routine and move on with your marriage and your life. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2006): What I don't understand is why you let a 13 year old bring her boyfriend along to a family members home?
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A
female
reader, Jadzia1127 +, writes (26 July 2006):
 You somehow dated and were engaged for 7years and never noticed that your future mom in law was a bit mean and your guy coward at her feet? If you did know this and didn't force change while dating or leave the guy and his mom in your dust, then just because you're married now doesn't change the fact that you accepted these terms while being the girlfriend.
I am not saying change can't happen but it would have been 100% easier if you had done it with the power of a girlfriend. Now your options are limited.
You could give an ultimatum and tell your husband he is required to tell his mother she owes you an apology or you're leaving.
You could just take it.
You could try counselling.
All of these will most likely bring you to the conclusion you are not suited for each other and ultimately divorce.
If you want to try to make this marriage work your best bet will be to talk to your new husband, tell him how it hurt you that he didn't defend you. I doubt he will be man enough to stand up to his mother for you anytime soon.
I suggest you learn to call her on her rudeness in a simple and straight forward manner. No name calling, no belittling, and no mean come backs. Try things like 'I am sorry mom but what you said was very rude'. Then leave the situation right then, taking any children with you and if your husband doesn't want to come leave him.
Leaving the situation will punctuate your statement. This also cuts off any other discussion of her trying to justify herself.
You accepted the terms of his family upon marriage. Now you can learn to deal with it productively or leave the marriage and his family.
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