A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband asked me for a divorce out of the blue. I'm embarassed to tell my family--I feel like a failure. What should I do?The backstory: I do not work. I assume this is the main problem because he is constantly telling me that I don't pull my own weight. I have been incredibly ill this past year, but am getting better quickly. I was in and out of the hospitals and for a few months, I averaged 2 doctors appointments per week. After a while, things seemed to be looking up, but then another illness caused by the first illness hit and things got bad again. Long story short, I was on bed rest and then driving restrictions that will be lifted in a few weeks. We live in a small town, so there is no public transportation available for me to get to and from work. Because of my illness, my husband was forced to take a job that requires travel but offers amazing medical benefits and pay. I know he is tired of traveling and I've been encouraging him to begin the process of looking for local work, but he insists that he doesn't want to quit--that the pay is too good to give up.When we were speaking earlier today, he told me that the main reason he wanted out was because he felt like he couldn't make any decisions on his own--that he felt trapped. I assure you that I try my best to meet his needs as best as I can. Because he travels a lot, I take care of the finances and try to stay within a budget. He wants to fly first class to exotic resorts for vacations instead of staying inland and visiting something closer but within our budget. Mind you--we went on an out of country ski vacation in February--before things got bad again, health wise. In short, our ways of spending money are complete opposites. My soon to be ex-husband seems unreasonable when dealing with finances and probably assumes that i am draining him money wise because of my medical expenses. I feel like I failed him, like I wasn't what he expected in a wife. I'm young, we have only been married for going on 3 years--and neither one of us signed up for my medical issues--they just sort of happened. Now, i'm going to be left jobless, on driving restrictions, and with 2 vehicles in HIS name. (He already had them purchased before we married.) I had a job interview today, so things are looking up in that aspect, but i'm still worried what people will think of me because I couldn't make my marriage work. By the way, his parents are furious with him. I don't feel the same way though, I love him but I understand that my illness wasn't something that he signed on for. As a result, it is still unclear if I can have children. I think this is another reason he doesn't love me anymore.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): when your married you say ''till death do us apart'' do your husband not get that?
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (3 August 2012):
 It sounds like you were dealt a bad hand from the get go. I think you need to give yourself an ounce of forgiveness. You took each other "for better or for worse" and he got worse and decided to bail out. Doesn't sound like a man who was going to stick with you through thick and thin.
Even though you love him, I think the feelings aren't 100% reciprocated. By loving him, I think you are selling yourself short.
I urge you to find a friend to talk to and lean on. It sounds like you are facing a very difficult time in your life and someone you can confide in will certainly help you. I also urge you to focus on getting better. You are certainly young enough to find love again and hopefully the next guy will be strong enough to support his wife during her time of need -- no matter what.
Best wishes and get well.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 August 2012):
 You DO sign up for illness and problems in a marriage. It's kind of part of the deal. There are even words in the vows, "in sickness and in health."
I would stop being embarrassed and start being proactive. Tell your family, get an appointment with a really good divorce attorney and get a game plan.
Make sure you get the medical coverage and insurance issues covered as a top priority. Finding work is a good plan but be sure you don't get into a situation where you are without medical coverage.
Divide this into two areas: the practical aspects, which are getting proper legal and medical advice and the emotional aspects, which are getting support from your friends and family.
There's no need to be embarrassed. You didn't ask to get sick, you signed on for your marriage in good faith.
Be smart, get help and support and qualified legal advice ASAP. Your family will find this out soon enough, the longer you wait, the harder it will be to tell them.
Best wishes.
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