A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex of four years and I just had a nasty break up. I outed her of her cheating ways and hyper-sexuality due to bi polar and other mental illnesses. Months ago, I found out about an affair that she had with someone that she met on craigslist, last spring, which went into fall. He was a young neurosurgeon. My ex was a med student. She also regularly sought out men on Craigslist for random sex. I started to think back about my birthday, this past November. I am trying to figure out if in fact she went out with this guy on the night of my birthday.Here’s the equation:+ Earlier that day, while I was out working on a job, she said that she might be going out with some friends later in the evening. She said her one friend was graduating from a PhD program and they were all possibly going out to a movie and for drinks (however, this was mid-November, and no programs graduated until early December). Red Flag #1. + She told me that she’d make me dinner. I met her around 6:30 at our place. She was dressed very sexy, like an R and B video dancer. Skinny jeans, make up, hair pulled back, lip stick (which she never wears), tub top with cut off sleeves, nails done (which she hardly ever does). In addition to being a med student, she’s also a model. She usually only dresses like this for photo shoots. I thought it was for me, but I was suspicious. Red Flag #2.+I told her she looked great and we proceeded with an amazing dinner that she made me. Then out of nowhere, she’s like I have to go and meet some friends. She said that they had a movie and drinks planned. +I was surprised and a little upset. I asked if she could change plans, and she said no. I asked when will she be home, and she said later. She was hesitant to kiss me before she left. Red Flag #3.+When I first asked her who she was going with, she paused, and then said her friend from Peru, who is graduating from the PhD program, in addition to their friends from class. Red Flag #4.+I then subtly asked her if I can go (to see what she’d say), and she paused, and then said yes, but hurry up and get dressed. I then said no worries, it’s cool, and said have fun. (Maybe she knew that I wouldn’t come)? Red Flag #5.+She was gone from about 7:30 until almost 1 AM. I called her numerous times after 11 and no answer until she was driving back. She said that she never checked her phone. Red Flag #6+When she got back, I tried to have sex with her, which I never thought she’d reject, especially on my birthday (our sex life was great – usually 3-5x a day). However, she seemed distant and didn’t want to have sex. In fact, we NEVER had it on my birthday evening. Looking back, she probably smelled like sex, smelled like a condom, or was discharging and/or wet, and knew that I would find out, unless she showered, which she never did. All that we did was cuddle and kiss. Red Flag #6The thought of all this makes me so angry. Do you think it’s very likely that she did have sex with him, or someone else that night?
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female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (4 August 2012):
Your red flags don't make sense. Unless you have concrete PROOF she cheated, everything can be explained by coincidence. Also, are you certain she even remembered it was your birthday? Did you remind her? Were you planning on celebrating it on a day you didn't have to work?
My fiance is on track to finish his doctorate in FEBRUARY. You can finish with a doctorate mid-semester. His grad school colleagues celebrate the night they know they have 'graduated.' officially, they will receive the degree at the end of the semester, but the celebration happens as soon as the grad student KNOWS they have completed the work for the degree. This explains away red flag 1.
Her manner of dress and grooming indicate she was probably going to a club and not a bar for drinks. She could have dressed that way because she wanted to show off to other med students who are female. It is a weird girl domination act. If she was feeling like the other girls were doing better than her, but she knows she is naturally prettier than them, she can flaunt her looks and beat them at this mind game. Facts can be learned, but model-beauty is something rare. She has it, they don't. She wins. Girls continue to be girls. Red flag 2 has another explaination.
Red flag 3 is reading too much into things. She hesitated to kiss you either cuz she didn't want to have to redo her lipstick you were giving her some kind of weird angry 'it is my birthday' vibe. I'm hesitant to kiss my boyfriend when i have lipstick on. It smears, gets on him (which he hates), and is a pain to reapply after i have it the way i want it. Did you remind her it was your birthday when you asked her to change her plans? If you didn't she may have not remembered.
Red flag 4 doesn't make sense. Why is the phd student coming along a red flag?
Red flag 5 blows your theory put of the water. If she was going to cheat on you or if she was dressed that way only for another guy she would have said NO or made excuses for why you shouldn't come along. She paused long enough to decide that if you started getting ready and were quick you wouldn't be super tardy to the party...then she said yes! Maybe she wanted to spend time with you that evening but also wanted to hang out with her friends. I think she wanted you to come along and you telling her nevermind after she said you could go upset her a bit which explains her behavior later.
Did you try to get ahold of her earlier in the evening between 7:30 and 11 PM? I think at some point she may have put her phone on silent or stopped looking at it. Either the club/bar was loud, or she put the phone away and on silent during the movie and checked it when she wouldn't be rudely interrupting the people she was put with. She may also have just been ignoring you...you rejected a night out with her after she spent hours primping to look like a model and cooked you a nice meal. If i was her, i wouldn't have answered my phone for you all night. You asked to go, then immediately after she said okay you said 'nevermind.' What if she dressed up and made you the meal to entice you to go with her and have fun out on your birthday? Did you think of that?
Maybe she didn't want to have sex because it was after 1am and she was tired.
How many of the 3x-5x a day would she be coming onto you? Was it mostly her or you starting sex? I don't see how someone can have enough time for med school and that much sex. If you are having that much Sex she is going to either smell like a condom, or like sex and wet can be influenced by a woman's cycle and doesn't always mean she was aroused.
Finally, Maybe she didn't want to have sex because she wanted to feel like you loved her (kissing/cuddling) after you rejected her offer to go along after all her efforts at dressing up and cooking.
Did you ask her questions like:
What movie did yousee?
What bar or club did you go to?
Who drove?
Did you ask any questions at all about how her night was, or did you just decide she must have cheated just because you don't want to see that you hurt her feelings and misinterpreted an entire night out because you were absolutely certain that grad students don't celebrate doctorates in November even when they know for certain they have earned one? Could you admit you were wrong?
I don't think she cheated on you on your
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2012): Thanks for the clarification. I have come a long way over the last month. It's been difficult at times; but I'm glad that I've come to the realization that she did in fact cheat on my birthday. It's disheartening to realize this, but it came clear to me while I was working out, yesterday. I feel like such a fool. And the thing is, I had so many opportunities to date others during our four years together. Some quality women, too. I gave up so much for this deceitful woman.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 August 2012):
 You are going to drive yourself mad if you dwell on this any longer. Let it go Buddy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2012): One question... Does it really matter? You know she cheated on you. Why would knowing what days it happened help matters? It will only make it worse.
Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 August 2012):
I'm sure she cheated on you back then, yep. You called a lot of Red Flags but the obvious one was her going out on your bday.
You are just looking for more reasons to be more angry in order to justify the past. All you are doing is recycling the memories to gain some form of clarity. But this will never happen. You'll just get ever so more angrier. Been there myself.
I think everyone will agree that, well, she treated you like crap.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2012): Yeah, sounds likely.
Look, you already know this chick is a mess. Stop making more trouble for yourself and put her behind you.
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