A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This is our second marriage. His parents are elderly in their late 70's but the father keeps very active and they both have their minds. My parents are deceased.I really wanted to go out on Mother's Day to a restaurant (restaurants are an hour away for both parties) and meet up with is parents there but his father, who was really pushing this, had his mother call me to have Mother's Day at our house. Now they were nice. They offered to make their famous ribs and bring them along and also the families famous potato salad and she wants to make 2 pies. It's a two hour drive for them though. The mother is very overweight, but loves to cook and hence her wanting to bake sweets all the time.I caved in and said yes.I don't want to sound ungrateful because I am not, and they are helping with the food preparation and they always claim to have the best ribs in the world.In my prior marriage we rarely went to a restaurant or did anything special and I was always cooking. It was years of that. So it's a treat for me to go to a restaurant.I do realize they are helping with the cooking here on Mother's Day. But going to a restaurant is so nice.Last time they insisted on coming and they had called only the night before. We had plans to go grocery shopping and run errands that whole day. My husband caved and said sure, come over. My husband said, they are elderly and they may not be around much longer. He always says that. He never stands up to them.We were in the process of renovating a room. It was a total mess in the house. I mean a total mess. There was no way to prepare. We did eat at a burger place in town when they came over, thank goodness. The other regular local restaurant has closed down permanently which we would have gone to on such short notice. His father wanted to help move in an antique desk we purchased that was sitting in the garage right before they left. The mother sat in the car waiting to leave for a good hour as they moved the desk in, only to discover it wouldn't get through one of the doors in the house. It was on the 4th and final door they discovered this. I'm like, duh, shouldn't you have measured the doorways first, which I thought they did. So the desk went back into the garage. It was a fiasco. The desk got scratched up. I was a total wreck. The desk had to be dismantled and put together in the room, which my husband did later.I had mentioned while they were here, that I had a project to do and that I had another one waiting for my work. I didn't mention that, that was what I had planned to do that day.As they were leaving it dawned on his mother, I hope we didn't come at a bad time. Well you did, I was thinking to myself, but I would never voice that.I know I will have to suck it up and grin through Mother's Day. It's family. What else do you do. My husband said, well at least the house will be clean twice this year and that I only thoroughly clean at Christmas time. He told his parents this on the phone when they called back to tell us the time they would be arriving for Mother's Day.After that statement by my husband made to his parents I am having a lot of resentment building up towards him and now with his parents. I hate being this way. My husband has so many collections in the house that I have to dust around.All of a sudden I have became ruthless. Instead of dusting his stuff, I threw it up in the attic. We'll deal with his stuff later after Mother's Day. My style is not to have a lot of stuff sitting on floors or on tabletops. It slows down my cleaning process. He likes to collect things. I don't really. If there is a collection I like it behind glass, so I don't have to dust any of it.I guess I am stewing, even more from my husband's statement in front of his parents. I was so embarrassed he said that. Appalled really.Even if I try my best, my husband will find something else I do wrong and point it out to me. I'm tired of it.Friends say it's not good to be alone, but so many times I think it would be easier to be single and not have to account to anyone. It would be blissful and peaceful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015): The OP here.
You have all been so great! Thank you so much for the advice.
Thanks to A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2015) about finding a location that suits my needs.
I hadn't even gotten that far in my thinking!
I'm a planner. Although hard as the circumstances are right now, I will take my time on this. I want to do the right thing for myself. I will investigate all avenues and not do anything rash or out of pure emotion.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2015): Hi. You're husband said you were the inspiration for the house...did that really mean he envisaged you with a mop and bucket in the house cleaning it. Honestly? He could always share duties!! You never divulge little niggles or stuff like that to parents it's so childish. People only know what they're told and the way he slams his ex.. well he obviously likes that kind of talk about women. He must think he is perfect. My ex husband put me down to his parents and liked to paint a bad picture of me. My self worth got wrecked. If you've started imagining a new life without him I say you've kind of decided to leave. Great idea to sort the practical stuff out and be prepared. Knowledge is power. Don't forget to indulge your thoughts in the kind of lifestyle you want. Being so cut off is limiting. Think of all you could do and find that special location that meets YOUR needs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2015): Your husband micromanages what you do or don't do and then complains when you don't live up to his expectations.His parents, although nice by offering to help with food for Mother's Day, still means you have to shoulder the rest of the entertaining that day. This really isn't right.One golden nugget out of this is that you are really accessing what you have and packing up your things as you clean your way out of the house. Get rid of a lot of what you have to save on movers fees, if you decide to move and start making an exit plan.I couldn't live with a whiner, complainer, micromanager, essentially a child in a man's body. Your husband is showing his true colors. His family are a bunch of complainers too and he gets that from growing up with them no matter "how nice" they appear to be.Stay calm during Mother's Day. I'd be smoldering inside too. Still, stay calm and get through it. Stay quiet. They'll notice that I am sure if you are more outgoing.As you clean, do take some time out for yourself or after Mother's Day. Treat yourself. Drive into that town an hour away. Get a manicure or a massage or a new haircut. I'd get a massage after all that cleaning and packing!You are nice, too nice sweetie, and people see that and then take advantage and walk all over you.I'd want some bliss and peace in my life too. You deserve that. As one poster said, Life is too short.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2015): The OP here.
Everyone's advice here has been great. It's helped me immensely.
I am quietly going to be packaging up my stuff in the house. I'll use the excuse that I am sorting out my what I have for donation.
I decided to also quietly go see a counselor because there are other issues I am dealing with, with my husband.
From there I will seek a financial planner and see what my options are regarding the possibility of purchasing a small house or mobile home and also other lines of income.
I want to be practical and not take any drastic measures until I have everything laid out before me on what my options are, if there are any.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2015): I think this should be your last cleaning and your last muscled in visit from his parents.I've learned that life is too short to be dusting and cleaning. What fun is there in that?I am older than you. I had an older home that required a lot of upkeep along with uninvited guests or in-laws that would want to visit on a regular basis.It is no small task to get ready for company, even if it is family, when you live in a home like that. It doesn't even matter if it is a new home. It still takes time to prepare a home for visitors.With older homes comes the requiring of antiques, if you like that sort of thing. I love old furniture because of the quality of craftsmanship from what they manufacture today. Still, it requires maintenance. Then the collecting starts of other things, like cans of a different era to reflect the style of the house and soon those collection grow and grow. Then so does the dusting of those collections and the dusting of the antique furniture. It turns into a monster to maintain all that stuff.Then their are uninvited guests that want pop up on your door step that want to peek in your house or snoop around that starts on the premise that they love old homes.Then there are the in-laws that want to supposedly help you in your house projects and they make more of a mess than anything else. Or they want to drop by in unscheduled visits or force their way in. I never had the heart to say no either and it was always at my own expense.I did the same thing as you are doing now. I started to get rid of my husband's collections in the attic to make it easier on cleaning for me. Then I started to package up my things and take them to the attic to make even less cleaning. I know this routine well. My husband also would comment on my cleaning and "keep track" of when I did or didn't do it.How impressive the house looked and his collections looked was more important to him than I was.Even I did everything right, eventually there would be something I did wrong and he would point it out to me. We are human and we all make mistakes. No one is perfect. The funny thing is, they don't look at themselves and see their own flaws. They are too busy pointing out your mistakes.I was becoming the maid, cook and give in to sex woman.Since you are living in an agricultural state I can more than bet those same old fashioned standards still apply there where the wife keeps the house neat and tidy and she serves and is submissive to her man.I had a lot of resentment building up. By that time, most of my stuff was packaged up. I decided to move out. I found a small mobile home and I am loving it. I have made new friends and I travel. I clean when I want to. If I want to be a slob one day I can without someone reprimanding me or having another set of eyes seeing what I am doing. It really is liberating. It's like getting an out of jail free card.Give it some thought.We only have one shot in this life. You are starting to enter your latter years. Make them happy ones.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2015): The OP here.
Thank you for aunts and uncles for your advice.
Some background.
I now live in a rural area, agricultural, farmland where we are isolated from a lot of the country. It can be a good thing at times because of not dealing with city traffic and a bad thing because one needs to make lists ahead of time and drive an hour out to get to a decent grocery store or dine out. I grew up in a city, so I was use to having stores at my disposal even though I was living in the country at the time...the best of both worlds for me those years.
My husband sees his parents at least once a month, if not more. So we do see them quite a lot. Actually, I feel too much. Even more now that they are aging and my husband feels their time could be running out. He is very close to his father. He always wants to make his father proud of him and because of that he never refuses their requests to visit or any advice his dad has to offer. His dad is a very smart, wise man. I try to understand that from my husband's perspective, because my parents passed away when I was younger and I think about my mom and dad every day. I was very close to my mother and would call her every weekend when I could, if I was not working, even though I lived in another state. My husband is fortunate to have his parents still alive and he realizes that with mine being gone.
Still, this is a different family dynamic, a whole different family with different values and views of the world, than what I had with my former husband. These are extremely ambitious people and there is nothing wrong with that. My husband is a neat-freak, yet at the same time collects stuff. He wants the house so-so because he never had a decent house before with his ex-wife. My husband has put a lot of time and do it yourself effort to update this house, which is an older old fashioned home, something he is very proud of, and hence the over the top neat freakiness that is percolating from him. Sooo, I'm trying to be understanding of that too.
The house, although old and not large, really is one of the nicer homes around these parts. My husband said I was his inspiration for making the house what it is. There are big modern homes that are also just as nice that people have built in this area in that type of class of homes.
His family, as a whole is critical of the ex-wife. I "always" hear bad things about her, never good things. My husband complains about her all the time and I heard from his co-workers he does this at work too and some have commented they don't like a man that does that. The parents are bitter and complain all the time about his ex-wife because she never let them see the grandkids. They have their son on a pedestal. I wonder if they ever asked themselves if their son may have had some responsibility for their divorce and not just the ex-wife.
But, since they are so critical, I feel, anyone in their range will eventually come under fire, including me, as far a cleaning standards, allowing visits from them, etc.
Yet at the same time, the father and my husband rush into projects without proper planning, for example the antique desk and not measuring ahead of time, making double and triple the work for themselves. I've seen this be repeated time and time again. In the urgency to help and the mad dash to rush things and not think things through, they both, the father and my husband, make things worse.
Let's just say, I am starting to feel squeezed out with the cleaning demands from this house needing to be presented just right (despite being the inspiration for it) and his need to appeal to his parents every whim and their wanting to visit. It's becoming too much.
My husband has no friends close by and very few friends at that. His adult children never call or visit either. He has only me. Since moving, I am isolated too in the country and all my friends are from the city and where I use to work and I miss them. It's hard to make friends here and trust anyone since the ties go back to birth. The community is ingrained from that and they don't trust outsiders.
I have not only thrown his stuff up in the attic, but I have started to take some of what I have and packaged it up as well to make things easier on myself.
Just this morning, my husband commented that the place is looking nice, but then ticked off how long it has been since I have cleaned the place. I held back my anger because I was angry and I didn't want an outburst.
I am really starting to agree with the post of A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2015) and what she wrote about I'm a very big fan of being single. I felt so alone in that view. It's nice to know other's feel that way too.
Don't get me wrong, this house is very nice and I am fortunate to be here in it and grateful to be part of it, yet at the same time a house has never been that overly important to me. A small house and a postage stamp yard suits me just as well at this stage in my life. I'm not picky. What I don't appreciate is being picked (apart) on.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (5 May 2015):
I think his parents are really nice. It is amazing to have people that want to spend time with you. I think they would have understood if your husband rejected their offer considering the chaos in the house. Having said that, I wonder why he didn't ask you if it was ok or not for them to come over. It must be a culture thing if he knows you can't refuse anyway...well I'm not really sure. Quite frankly I'd rather be alone than be miserable. I prefer to work together than against each other.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2015): My dear, it isn't what your husband said that ticked you off; it's years of pent-up aggravation and resentment that you are dying to vent. You'd love to scream at the top of your lungs, and let out everything. Instead, you fold your hands, put on a fake smile; while gritting your teeth.
Sometimes you have to simply say what's on your mind; but say it tactfully. No need for rudeness. Don't mistake firmness for rudeness. It's the quality of your delivery.
"No and no thank you," can be said with great politeness.
Assert yourself!
The point is to get it off your chest, and to deliver it effectively. Suggest to your husband that his parents shouldn't come until you are prepared to accept company. Their age has nothing to do with that. He has worn-out that excuse with you.
By the way, he should clean and maintain his collections (aka junk) daily. If he wants to be a pack-rat, dust his own stuff; and make it presentable for his parent's unexpected visits. You're not his maid. You're his wife.
Learn to say, "no thank you!" "Not this time!" Or, simply "NO!!!"
If hubby won't say it; then you say it. Or, you can wait until you lose all self-control, go-off in a rant; and leave everyone wide-eyed, in shock, and stunned. Causing your mother-in-law to faint, and have to be rushed to the nearest emergency room; or your father-in-law to grab his chest, or an arm.
There is nice, then there is "phony nice." Always being agreeable, never wanting to hurt feelings, and always wanting to be liked. That is phony nice. Well, phony nice makes you resentful. It will eat at you until you show your true-colors. Then the raging-bitch comes out of hell, and nobody really did that much to provoke or evoke her. She's just at her wit's-end, and the devil can't wait to kick her out of hell.
Stop reading, if I'm lying.
When "no" is said with honesty, integrity, and poise; it is received with understanding. People are a lot more understanding than we may sometimes want to give them credit for. Don't blame them for being opportunists or taking advantage of your good-nature, if you allow them to.
That's not their fault, it's yours. Your husband dumps on you to keep his own conscience clean.
Yes, they will die someday. They're nice old people. Likely to die any day; but their death isn't always scheduled to coincide at the time of your plans. So feel free to let them know when the time isn't convenient for you, but graciously schedule for a better time. If they die before the rescheduled date of a dinner or special occasion; there will be more important things to be concerned about than missing an invite.
You don't always have to say yes to them, because they're old. His father is no longer running the show. Once he steps over your threshold, he's a guest in your home. Guests usually come by invitation; or call ahead, to determine if you are prepared for company. No one is too old to have manners. You can always give them a call in advance; and let them know you have made dinner reservations for such-a-date; but you will be sure to stop by for a visit that day. If they wish to go, maybe some other time. They're not children! They had in-laws too!
You don't have to set boundaries for your in-laws. They are adults. You simply have to let them know that sometimes a visit or plans for an event at your home requires your approval. Also bear in-mind, that people don't spend a lot of time with folks they don't care about. Sometimes they have little else to do. Two hours away means they get lonely for your company, and you haven't come to see them as often as you should or could. I see things from all sides, my dear. Maybe you don't like my brand of advice.
You can stop here.
Mother's Day is your day, and your mother-in-law's day.
You didn't have the nuggets to insist that you wanted to go to a restaurant that could have been close to where his parents live; and made a decent compromise. It's still not too late. I cannot imagine where in the United States you could live, that is so far away from a nice restaurant?
Most nice restaurants require reservations; so you obviously didn't plan ahead of your in-laws. To what restaurant were you planning to go, if they're so far away?
Without reservations, they'd be filled on Mother's Day.
It's almost Mother's Day; and chances are, most nice restaurants will be fully-booked anyway. So there is still the following Sunday; and many days and evenings left before you or your in-laws die.
Don't let your hubby off the hook. He uses his parents to keep you from asking him to take you out. Are you so naive not to see the method to his madness? Kill two birds with one stone. Guilt you into letting them come over, and he doesn't have to feel guilty for not taking the drive to see them. He doesn't have to get-up off a few bucks to wine and dine his lovely wife. Cheap skate! More money to buy more junk...eh-hum, stuff.
Open your eyes, girlfriend! You're too busy being phony nice. You entertain his older parents, so he can sit at home and not have to dress-up and go out. He also gets to clear his conscience for not getting up off his butt and taking a drive, on his own, to visit his elderly parents. You don't have to go unless you want to. Yet, out of kindness, you should.
So, it's not boundaries that are required. It's being assertive and real; and letting your in-laws know when you have other plans, and when their visit isn't convenient for you. It's your house. How often do you intrude on their quality-time together? They're too old to move about and make a mess, so their house is always tidy. If things are so messy at your house, let Mr. Tattle-tale help you clean it more often!!!
Have a Happy Mother's Day! It will be wonderful no matter what. You'll see!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2015): Hi thereIf you feel all this resentment has been building up and you're not being listened to or taken into account and you're not happy, why not go? As you suggest? Why stay in some relationship that's making you unhappy? I quite agree with you. If you think you would be happier alone, then do it. I'm a very big fan of being single. I have no worries about being alone whatsoever. The opposite in fact. If there is any part of you that wants to fight for this relationship, does your husband understand how you feel? It sounds as if he does, but I don't think his parents have any idea. Sometimes, it's easy to forget others have a schedule when you have all the time in the world. If you and your husband can think of any way in which you can tackle this together, just a tactful word or two, here and there should do it, they sound like nice people.However, my sister and I are both single. We live ten miles or so apart, we do things together, she has loads of friends and interests, I have my own business and a passion for dancing, which I indulge whenever I feel like it. I have a great time and the washing up and housework can go hang! I don't understand why you would compromise on what you want to do in your life, if that's how you want to live. You don't sound as if being alone would be a problem for you. The last words in your post 'It would be blissful and peaceful' really sound like you've had enough. So would I have done. Why do we weigh ourselves down with all this relationship stuff if the good is no longer outweighing the bad? Think of all the fun and relaxation you could be having instead of dusting his bloody collections. Go for it!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2015): I know I would react the same way, tossing his stuff in the attic. I know it is passive-aggressive behavior, but you are venting and trying to deal with this the best way you can. I wouldn't let his stuff come back out of the attic until he has a better way of displaying his treasures, as you say, behind glass. Maybe suggest buying a curio cabinet. If you have too many antiques laying around, sell them. Purge as much as you can to make the cleaning go easier.As far as his parents, your husband needs to stand up and deal with them. He is making you the fall person or scapegoat in their eyes with the house cleaning and also having them over to visit. He needs to learn to say no.I'd be "more than upset" if my husband said something to his parents about my house cleaning. It takes two to make a home, not one. Your husband sounds like he whines and complains a lot. I wonder if he was like that with his ex-wife, always complaining about her shortcomings to his parents or anyone else in earshot.Sounds like his parents like to muscle their way into your home, even if they offer to bring food. It's still on you to be the hostess, i.e., clean, make all the other food, set the table, entertain, clean up afterwards.I hate to break this to you, but that is not how I would want to spend my Mother's Day either. I would want to go to a nice restaurant too.So yeah, if you are the one doing most of the dusting and cleaning, then get rid of what is in your way, and keep it that way. Minimalize what you have. I learned that the hard way too with a collector of junk that my husband brings home.But next time, stand up for yourself with his parents and to your husband, otherwise people bulldoze right over you.I totally get where being single would have its advantages. I think about it often myself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 May 2015):
 Honestly, GO out to dinner another time. It DOESN'T make a dinner MORE significant because it lands on a COMMERCIAL holiday. Same with Valentine's Day.
I'd tell your husband to DUST his own collections. I can't see WHY you should have to do that.. Having ovaries doesn't mean you are supposed to do all the cleaning. I don't blame you for tossing them in the attic, BUT it is rather passive-aggressive of you. INSTEAD you should tell him that his "lame" comment about cleaning hurt your feelings and that you BOTH live in the house so HE can as EASILY dust/clean as you can.
Whenever he points something out "he" thinks you do wrong, tell him, well why don't YOU do it? You seem to know all about how it's done right. As things stand I bet YOU scramble to make everything "perfect" so he can't complain. THAT is what he wants. DO NOT do it. Make yourself a nice schedule that WORKS for you.
I can be that he is worried about his parents and him nitpicking you is HIS was of dealing with that worry (or rather NOT dealing with it). It can be that he has some over-inflated idea of HOW a wife should be subservient and happy to clean.. Don't play his game.
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