A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for two years to a man who is much older than I, (he's 64, I'm 34) and lately, we have been having some issues serious enough for me to question whether or not we made the right decision.My husband has two adult daughters from a previous marriage and had a vasectomy done 8 years ago because he didn't want any more children. However, I had never had children of my own, and I wanted to have a family with my husband, and he agreed to have the vasectomy reversed a year ago.Unfortunately, the surgery was a failure-it's been a year now and there is not a hint of sperm. On top of that, my husband has lost most of his sex drive-he never really was an overly sexual person (as I am) but he hardly ever wants to have sex, and when he does, it's awful. I've suggested Viagra and tried doing all kinds of things to arouse him, but it just won't work. However, he has no problems getting an erection when he masturbates, and I'm wondering if it's just because he's not attracted to me. While we were dating, he told me he preferred women who were closer to his age, thinner, and of the same ethnic background. He would always compliment some woman he saw on television, but if I took the time to get all prettied up, he'd hardly say a word.Aside from the sexual / reproductive issues, we get along very well- he takes good care of me and we do love each other, but the sexual problems, and above all, the fact that we can't have children together is causing huge problems. I am pretty much painted into a corner right now, not knowing what to do. I turn 35 in a few months and my biological clock is ticking. Should I wait it out and try to make things work with my husband, or should I leave and try to find someone else? I really don't want to do that, since it's not easy for me to find anyone.What should I do?
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (20 February 2010):
Actually, you have given more insight into it because its very possible that he isn't the only one with fertility issues. It could be you or it could be both of you. He is the one with proven fertility as he has had children before. Perhaps you could look into the other issues surrounding your fertility, including: a lab examination of his sperm to see if there are any and if they are motile; and all your baseline tests looking at if you are ovulating etc.
I know Fertility Institutes charges $5800 for their most basic package of 2 cycles; they offer financing and some insurance companies cover the costs. If you wanted the embryo's examined for genetic errors or for gender (PGD) then I know its a whopping $19,000. Check out www.fertility-docs.com. However, if you were to go to South Africa or India, or Kenya or Israel, the IVF along with PGD, it would cost you less that $4,000. Ofcourse with tickets and accomodation for 3 weeks it can come to about $10,000. But there are other options where you can begin your injections in your home country then only go for the last week to 10 days. Your husband also doesn't have to travel as you can bring his sperm in Nitrogen. Visit www.capefertilityclinic.co.za.
In case you are wondering why I sound more and more psycho, my boyfriend is 63 and I'm 35. He is literally demanding children but because of our ages, I want PGD because I really couldn't cope with a disabled child; God bless those who do.
Going back to the issue of leaving him, I really would think carefully. Because you can find a man who can give you all the sex you want, but he can cheat on you and not even help you with your baby. You may have other standards, but I am satisfied with faithfulness and love first and foremost. I was married to an athlete who was attractive and popular, but I was neglected, unloved and cheated on. My older partner has grey hair and wrinkles but he treats me far much better than my ex. I'm no longer depressed and we are happy. So perhaps try talking to him, maybe use a dildo during sex and maybe the sight of you being aroused might lead to things happening. All the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both of your for your answers.
Yes, I was with my husband when he had the reversal-we found a doctor hundreds of miles away who was supposedly the best in his field for vas reversals, and went to him because we knew it would be a difficult case.
Sometimes I wonder if my husband really wants to have children-I personally think if it were just up to him, he probably wouldn't-but he loves me so much he will do anything to make me happy. That's the toughest thing about all this-if he were really a bad guy, you know, one who was mean to me and treated me like dirt, it would be such an easier decision.
I joke with him that he'd be perfect had he been born 20 years earlier!
We have discussed IVF, but the cost is what is putting us off to it, as well as my own fertility issues (I have PCOD and need to lose weight in order to conceive). I was planning on getting back in shape this year, but to be honest, I'm not really that motivated anymore.
I tell my husband I'm trying to watch what I eat so I can lose all this weight I gained after I married him, but he loves cooking me huge amounts of food and insisting that I eat it.
Anyway, I've gone way off on a tangent here...hopefully my scatterbrained reply has given you a little more insight into what's going on.
Thanks! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both of your for your answers.
Yes, I was with my husband when he had the reversal-we found a doctor hundreds of miles away who was supposedly the best in his field for vas reversals, and went to him because we knew it would be a difficult case.
Sometimes I wonder if my husband really wants to have children-I personally think if it were just up to him, he probably wouldn't-but he loves me so much he will do anything to make me happy. That's the toughest thing about all this-if he were really a bad guy, you know, one who was mean to me and treated me like dirt, it would be such an easier decision.
I joke with him that he'd be perfect had he been born 20 years earlier!
We have discussed IVF, but the cost is what is putting us off to it, as well as my own fertility issues (I have PCOD and need to lose weight in order to conceive). I was planning on getting back in shape this year, but to be honest, I'm not really that motivated anymore.
I tell my husband I'm trying to watch what I eat so I can lose all this weight I gained after I married him, but he loves cooking me huge amounts of food and insisting that I eat it.
Anyway, I've gone way off on a tangent here...hopefully my scatterbrained reply has given you a little more insight into what's going on.
Thanks! :)
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (19 February 2010):
Have you looked at all your fertility options? Google the company Fertility Institutes; they have new technologies all the time. The last one I read about was when a vasectomy reversal is unsuccessful, they aspirate directly from the vas deferens. This means they only need a few viable sperm to perform an ICSI into your eggs.
I was wondering if the pressure to be pregnant isn't what is putting him off? Maybe he felt that by this age he would be having sex for pleasure only but now he is trying to become a father again; does he really want to or is he just trying to please you? And you are 100% sure he had the reversal? You were with him in hospital I suppose?
Anyway you need to tell him how you feel about the lack of sex. Be sensitve and just explain how sexy you think he is and that you miss him.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (19 February 2010):
 You are right, it's not easy for you to find anyone - WHILE you are already married, I should add. If thinking you will not be able to find a suitable partner is all that keeps you in this marriage, you are pretty much on your own already. The problems you are having are very specific to age gap relationships, no children, the difference in sex drives - yours has gone through the roof and his is very low, etc. He seems to be willing to please you but it doesn't seem he can compensate for the age gap, especially next to a woman who has always been, as you describe yourself, overly sexual and very active and so on. Unfortunately, the way I see it, you will likely continue to struggle with these issues in the marriage, making you both feel very sad. Now, what course of action to take next is entirely up to you.
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