A
female
age
51-59,
*uncha
writes:I married my husband in 2004, he adopted my daughter in 2005 as his own; she was 14.This year my husband's ex-wife kicked their 17 year old son out of the house in March and he is now living with us. My daughter and his son want to date and get married!!! They said that they aren't blood related and don't see what the problem is! By law my husband is my daughter's father!! By law they are brother and sister! We told them NO they could not date! They think we are being rude and don't care how they feel about each other. These two kids are sooo stupid they think that if the son gets emancipated from his dad, then legally it won't be his dad....well first, that is not what emancipation means...second, even if that were true....he is still legally a brother to my daughter!! I don't know what to do....Now I know why my daughter asked me what the chances are of someone getting pregnant when using birthcontrol and condoms combined! Anyone have any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008): No Emily - she was 14 in 2005.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (11 August 2008):
Since they are 14 and 17 and at the moment theirs is an illicit excited love that really is TRULUV4EVA, of course they want to get married.
In 6 months they will probably both be in love with someone else instead and wanting to marry them.
As soon as you make their relationship normal and boring and keep sticking your nose in and it stops being cool, then their feelings will probably start to fade.
Either that or it really is love and who are you to step in the way of that?
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (11 August 2008):
 I think you would have to find out the law on this one. I understand that it doesnt seem right, but even though she is adopted, she is not blood so would this count?
Woody Allen was the adopted father of his (now) wife. I dont remember him going to prison for it, though I do remember him getting a terrible press over what he did.
Its a very hard dilema for you both to deal with. What does your hubby think?
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A
female
reader, suncha +, writes (11 August 2008):
suncha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo it's okay for them to date? I quess the fact that my husband adopted her really doesn't have an impact on it. So by law, my husband, my daughter and his son are realated by law. If they tryo to get married, the birt certificates will show that he is the father of the tow people trying to get married.
I thought emancepation from your parentts means that they had no hold on you fiancial, are unable to make any type of decision. Emancipation is for children under the age of 18 to divorce their parents. This boy is 18, not a minor so emancipation would have no bearing.
So if I adopted a really cute girl and she grew up to be a beautifull young girl and the father divorses my and marries the girl...it's okay because they are blood realted?
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (11 August 2008):
Well you may not be able to stop them from seeing eachother but you can at least set some ground rules.
Sit them down and tell them they can go out and date but cannot be alone together in your house. It's your roof so your rules and I'm sure you'd be the same about any boy coming round to date your daughter. There can be NO sex until she is 16/18. That's the law. Let them think that you are on their side and work with them.
The chances are if you let them have limited dates together then since they are so young it will only last a few weeks anyway. She'll get bored and he'll get offered sex elsewhere which will be far more attractive than having to wait a couple of years.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008): Hypothetical situation:- Let's just suppose for a moment that your daughter and this boy got married before you met his father. You were later introduced to him and eventually wanted to marry him. Would the fact that your daughter and his son were married first stop you getting married? I think you know in your heart that it wouldn't.
The two of them are not blood related, they don't share any DNA, they're not brother and sister and I wouldn't exactly call them step brother and sister either.
If I read the question right, they're both 17 years of age now, which by the law in the UK at least is old enough to marry with parental consent. After the age of 18 they're classed as adults and can do exactly as they wish with their lives.
Maybe they need to be advised to slow down a bit. They're still young and the old hormones are raging. It doesn't surprise me that they've fallen for each other, they probably see in each other what you and your husband saw in each other because there are bound to be similarities!
My dictionary definition of 'Emancipated' is 'Free from social, political or legal restraints'. Personally, I'd say they were emancipated.
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male
reader, abre45  +, writes (11 August 2008):
Do whatever you can to stop this realation.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (11 August 2008):
 A very complex situation. wow. You may not like this, but ya know, they are NOT related... though I think they are too young to get married.
As far as your daughter asking about birth control, well, looks like they are doing something that you will not approve of already. And he is under age and can't have his own apartment yet, huh? Couldn't you ask his ex to take him back? Would she cooperate with you?
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female
reader, Kourts_09 +, writes (11 August 2008):
well i got one question for u...how old is ur daughter and his son now? cause u know if they are of age they can do what they want. but on the otherhand i agree with u its not right for them to be together. now if they knew each other before this then id say no big deal, but if they just tarted this then it shouldent of even occured, i see ur going through hard time and i wish u the best with this. if u ever wanna talk feel free to mail me thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008): hmm well in reality they arent blood related....but it is still a brother and sister relastionship if they live 2gether etc. do you think they are sleeping together tho? if so theres nothing you can really do about it....exept sit back and deal with it :( sorry! gud luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008): When kids aren't responding to your first approach, sometimes it's best to try a different approach.
One step would be to think about why these two kids are so insistent on dating. I mean, I understand that at this age there are lots of hormones, but there are also lots of alternatives. Your step-son was kicked out by his mother, which suggests he hasn't had the most stable life. Are they perhaps each, on their own, having a hard time fitting in, and they're drawn to each other b/c there's someone who understands them? It's someone who can see their point of view on things? They're living in the same house, so there's also an element of convenience. I don't mean that it's convenient to get together to make out, though that may be true. If either of them is a bit shy or awkward around members of the opposite sex, it may just be easier to think that they've magically stumbled upon "the ONE" in their own home than to get out there and do some real dating. Try searching for a bigger picture in your situation, and see if that provides any light on things.
Another option is to send one or both of them to study abroad somewhere, if that's financially feasible. It sounds very 19th century, I know, and there's a chance it will just piss them off, but you could always try explaining to them that if they're so right for each other, they'll still be right for each other after the trip. Plus, international travel is always good for kids.
Other than that, they're not blood relatives, so I could imagine worse scenarios (think second cousins who didn't know it, or something). Consider meeting with a lawyer to ask about the legalities of undoing the adoption (surely this can be done) and also about the specific legal issues that might present themselves for your daughter and her would-be suitor.
Finally, consider carefully whether there are other issues at play for you. Kids can sense when their parents aren't being completely honest, and they tend to ignore the advice received on that basis. If there are other things going on (i.e., you're worried he's too old for her, it would be too problematic for the family if things went badly, etc.) be honest with yourself about them. Only once you've really been honest with yourself about it will you be able to come up with a coherent plan for dealing with your daughter.
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female
reader, junebug +, writes (11 August 2008):
the most u can do for now is look up laws and stuff. I understand how u feel. My best friend when we were like 13 started dating this boy and they went all the way to having sex then they broke up and her dad married his mother a year or 2 later.dont think ur the only 1.just try to find law that dont allow that and show them.i wish u the best of luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008): I don't have any advice on this subject, but please know that I will pray for you. I know you are going throgh a really tough time. Best of luck sweetie
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