A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married to my husband for 8 years; life's been good so far.We met when doing a Christmas promotional thing in the store I worked in at the time.Or so I thought.On Monday my husband admitted to me he'd been online posing as me on dating apps and trying to find male friends for me who he thinks would be a good "male buddy" for me to go to restaurants, spend time with.He admitted he'd been talking online to Jack, a 25-year-old from Texas who said he'd come and meet me at a restaurant here. He admitted to flirting with Jack online as me, and got Jack wanting to meet me.WTF?????I'm furious, it's identity theft, plain and simple, ain't it?He claimed it was a joke, but if it's a joke, how would HE like it if I posed as him on dating sites and asked other women for sex or other men? If the boot was on the other foot he wouldn't!!I have few male friends but most of my friends are female; the one very good male friend I do have is nearly 73 now and a guy who taught me woodworking and another is 34 and lives with his husband.He kept yelling and ranting at me, threw a packet of tortilla chips over me and screamed loudly calling me "screechy-little-woman" and ran out of the front door.I'm going to have to divorce him, because I've lost trust in him.Is he really trying to get me to have an affair? I'd never cheat on him.I'm attractive, some say, but by no means supermodel attractive, fairly plain-Jane to be honest, I tend to be noticed more on personality than looks.I wonder if my husband's having an affair or planning to, as this is out-of-character.Most men would be furious if their wife wanted to have an affair with another guy, but him? It seems the pendulum swung in the other direction.My husband is attractive, gets women's interest wherever we go, I guess it's due to looking like a certain Japanese actor who's been on a Netflix show (although my husband's American, not Japanese, and he's Chinese-American). I think he's got a big ego because of that.When I met him he was so loving, romantic, a great guy all around; but now this has made me question the whole thing.I even thought we had a good sex life, but now I'm wondering if his over-enthusiasm was due to an affair; granted, he never treated me like a blow-up sex doll, was always loving and caring and did what I wanted as much as what he wanted sexually.Now I'm considering throwing him out for this, what if he's used my identity spending money online, IDK?I've discovered a possible smoking gun on our computer - well, technically mine as I own the Macbook Pro but it's under a shared account, not my admin one - a selfie of himself in his underwear sent to a congressman's inbox and a request to get a COVID jab ahead of everyone else if the congressman sent him a photo back! (from our shared inbox!). It was a bland email, but still worrying. Isn't this a stupid way to do things?I'm questioning my marriage and wondering if the seven year itch has come into play.I also wonder if he hates the fact I dress femininely and wear sexy lingerie, as once he claimed "you're not tomboyish enough for me" and walked out the room during sex, then claimed the day after he was drunk when he said it during sex with me and it was nonsense that he'd said. He claimed he liked feminine women, but to then yell I'm not tomboyish enough for him?HOW WOULD HE LIKE IT IF I SAID I WANTED A FEMININE MAN, HE WOULDN'T??? (And my husband isn't very feminine, is embarrassed to see feminine-looking men); hypocrisy much?I feel furious and angry, and my husband is constantly arguing with me about the incident and claiming that it was ghostwriting?It's not ghostwriting since he aint got my permission.What the hell should I do to cope emotionally, apart from divorce, since I'm considering a divorce attorney soon?There's no kids etc. in this marriage, only two cavies and a Siamese cat, so custody of them is the only real big issue custody-wise.Seeking your advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (19 April 2021):
 I think he has completely taken leave of his senses. If he is posing as you on dating apps, i fail to see how anything could ever come of it. The guys he is chatting to are think they are chatting to a lady, and would not be on there to meet your husband in any way shape or form.
This in itself is a huge red flag, he has crossed the boundries on so many levels.
He sounds like he has got a temper as well, throwing a bag or tortella chips over you, then hurling abuse at you, this is another red flag. He is clearly on edge, and you don't know what his next actions will be.
Walking out of the room during sex saying your not tomboy enough is just insulting and degrading and a complete lack of respect to you.
OP i think that this relationship has come to an end, and i think now is the time to seek legal advice about getting a divorce. I would do this sooner rather than later, as i can't see things getting better anytime soon.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 April 2021):
 This is just wrong on every level.
I have to agree with WiseOwlE that HE (your husband) might be looking to FLIRT with men and used YOUR info as the "bait". Which is insane.
It is NOT a joke to USE your information, pictures to hook up with men.
It is NOT a joke to catfish men.
He is NOT doing this to find you, male friends, what a load of BULLSHIT. Yes, it could be that he is hoping you develop something emotional and physical with someone else so HE also can hook up with another person. OR he is setting this up to CLAIM that you are/have been cheating on him. How can you prove HE made those profiles and you didn't? (I mean legally, not logically)
I would talk to a lawyer ASAP
What he is doing is gaslighting you. A "slight of hand" to get YOU on the defensive while you don't pay attention to what his real goal and actions are.
Yes, I'd say your marriage is over. This is not OK. This is not funny. It's SICK.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2021): Maybe he's really seeking male-company for himself; and he's covering his tracks, incase you've checked his search history. His explanation seems a bit lame. Maybe he likes the idea of straight-men flirting with him? How else can he get it without being detected? By pretending he's you!
Seriously?!! What's-up with men in women's bikinis and underwear pics these days??? What the heck?!!
We can't suggest a divorce over impersonating you online; but there seems to be a lot of other behavior that you can consider toxic or detrimental to your marriage. I mean that craziness with the congressman? He's hankering for a federal investigation sending that kind of material to an elected official!
I believe his verbal-abuse and activity might be indicative of some developing mental-health problems. His behavior is totally bazaar, to say the least!
I guess you've made up your mind; based on your discoveries, and how he's been behaving.
All the strange behavior you've described seems like a man who has gone over the edge; and it will take some serious counseling and therapy to bring him back. It might be very hard staying married to him as he is now.
How much are we going to blame on home-confinement due to covid restrictions? Maybe we're beginning to see what's buried beneath the surface of some people; because they are forced to face themselves for the first-time, and they can no longer run and hide.
His sexual-orientation is really questionable; if you really want my opinion.
Why would he want you to look like a boy??? Drunk is always the convenient excuse. Blame it on the alcohol!
At DC, opinions and laymen's advice are all we can offer. You make the final-decision regarding the fate of your marriage. That's a serious life-changing choice.
You have to make your own determinations and decisions based on the evidence you've seen and heard; and most importantly, how you are being treated.
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