A
female
age
,
*asMoni
writes:my husband and i have been married 10 years to each other. i have been married before 3 times. he has been married once. we met at rehab where we were both recovering from our own addictions. we are both clean and sober now. my husband, however is a dry drunk. he is very mean and very selfish. he denies it though. he says that because he gives me free room and board and i don't have to pay for my insurance or lights and food that he is sharing. he continually complains about not having any money. he is in construction and times are tough right now because of the bad economy. i am an artist and i am disabled and cannot work at a regular job, so he constantly reminds me not to spend any money.i do sell some of my artwork to make some small income as well as social security.i have been told i am nothing more to him than a trophy wife. on the outside we look like the perfect couple. but behind closed doors it is constant fighting because i'm trying to learn to stand up for myself. someone who was married for many years once told me just to ignore them and let them blow off their steam at you, that i'd get used to it. is that true? am i supposed to allow him to belittle me and yell at me every day? am i ever going to get used to it? when i was younger and married before, i just walked out when i wasn't happy with the marriage. but now i am disabled and unable to take care of myself financially. i still keep a beautiful home and take very good care of my appearance. i dress very well. to look at me no one would ever know that anything was wrong with me.i am a christian as well and i know god doesn't like divorce, but i also know that i shouldn't allow him to treat so terribly. one thing that he does that i think is mean is - he turns off all the lights and goes to bed when i'm still in the room! he acts like i'm invisible.i cry myself to sleep often. i am very lonely. i miss being happy. what should i do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): 'Dont worry, the pastors are used to dealing with manipulaters, they will be able to see through him. " Just to tell you a story. my brother in law, whom i love and respect, has been able to manipulate the pastors who have tried to help him and his wife. he uses choice words and the pastors always blamed my Sis in law for all (most) issues. so even pastors get taken in and cannot see the real person. by the way my bro in law is a pastor as well. he used to bleed my SIL emotionally & mentally. she was at fault too but seems like the good pastors could not see the manipulator in front of them being one of their own.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (19 January 2010):
Dont worry, the pastors are used to dealing with manipulaters, they will be able to see through him. Just be yourself, don't hide any details about your husband to try help him save face. Just tell the truth of his behavior. I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, VasMoni +, writes (19 January 2010):
VasMoni is verified as being by the original poster of the question i would like to thank the kind people who took the time to write in regarding my marriage problems. i did e-mail my pastor last night, he had his secretary call me first thing this morning with the name of a counsellor. we have been given six sessions of counseling.my husband thinks it's a good idea, so i'll get straightened out.he believes all the problems are rooted from me. i'm glad the appointment is tomorrow. i just hope he doesn't talk circles around me,like he always does.thanks for your support. vasmoni
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (18 January 2010):
He is very obviously being abusive. God would never force you to stay in a relationship where you are being treated in this way so dont worry about that. Why dont you seek out counseling for yourself at your local church. You may meet other women in your position (there are many) and you can give each other ideas on how to handle your problems.
Because of your condition, I would encourage you not to just get up and leave which you will probably be told here. You need to plan, it can take you several months to complete but you can start working towards it from now. Start putting away the money from your art and dont contribute anything to the house. Start saving up as much as you can; when he gives you money for anything for the house eg. $50 for groceries, spend only $20 and keep the $30 for yourself if possible. I once saved about $4000 just by putting money away over a year. Work out how much you will need to move on with your life. But definitely, your artwork is where you should concentrate. Maybe spend more time on marketing and exhibitions. Maybe a website. Contact the disabled societies and charities in your area to see what resources they have for helping you.
Also contact a divorce lawyer to find out how much you are entitled to in the event of a divorce. It would help immensely if you can keep the house and at least show a pattern of abuse by reporting him to local helpline counsellors who can later testify to strengthen your case.
If your husband is also a Christian maybe you can encourage him to go for marriage counselling with you to a pastor. I say this because most churches do this for free so he can't complain about costs. All the best.
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