A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am well aware that no marriage is perfect. Mine is one example, but unfortunately, I think it has gone too far. My husband loves to spend money--two days ago he spent almost $900 on one single comic book just for the heck of it. There was this event that I wanted to go to out of town, so the hotel cost $300 (inflated prices because of the event across the street). Anyways, my husband agreed to take me, but was really angry at me for chastising him for spending that much on a comic book. At the event, he was all moody, he intentionally caused us to be late, was cursing the entire time because of traffic, and so forth. Needless to say, I was not having a good time, so I asked politely if we could just go home. He yelled and screamed at me some more, got our bag, and headed down stairs. We came home. The following day (today), when I came home for lunch, my closet door was ripped from the frame, furniture was thrown out in the yard getting wet because of the drizzle, and one of the bedroom doors had a hole through it--I'm assuming he punched it until it broke. I am so sick and tired of his attitude. I admit that I am not perfect, and it probably wasn't a good idea to "waste" a $300 a night hotel room, but I wouldn't have had to if he didn't make it so horrible for me. He tells me all of the time that I was a "mistake" and he shouldn't have married me, but then the following day, he acts like nothing has happened, so I let it go. On top of it all, we have not been able to conceive a child. He blames it all on me because I had a brain tumor a few years back. He tells me that I can't give him what he wants and I'm a waste of his time.Should I leave him? I have contemplated it for some time, but I am embarrassed of what my family would think. Is this something that you think we can work through? This isn't the first time something like this has happened. I was once driving in the city during rush hour and he grabbed the wheel and tried to wreck us. I think he needs help--I have contacted the Veteran's Association to try and get him some counseling, but unfortunately it's all voluntary. They can't do anything unless he wants help--and he doesn't. Should I call the cops?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 June 2014):
 Listen. To. Honeypie!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of the replies.
@Tisha-1, There is a small outreach branch here called "Veterans Association"--it's part of our communities local counseling center. It's a new outreach program that aims to reach veteran's in small towns like mine. And, what you say about the letting go of the 'happy couple picture', you are absolutely right. I have known this for some time, but it's one thing to say it and another to do it. Thanks for the confidence in me in thinking that I can do that. I hope you're right. And, to answer your question about what kept me from getting help after he tried to crash the car...well, I didn't know who to go to. We live in a small town and there weren't any assistance for people like him in the area until
@Honeypie, I really appreciate your advise. The links, I'm sure, will be really helpful. I haven't made a decision, but was able to contact one of the counselors at the outreach program in my community. Unfortunately, the counselor was a few hours away and was unable to meet in person, but he offered some sound advise over the phone. I hope to contemplate everything and make an educated decision.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 June 2014):
 Thank you, Honeypie! For the clarification and the links.
Dear OP, please do get yourself the support you need if you decide to stay. And perhaps get that support even if you decide to leave!
And OP, just for the record, Honeypie is one of my favorite aunts here. She tells the truth, she doesn't sugar coat stuff and she gets it done. And in your situation? You need that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2014):
 To OP and Tisha..
**P.S. I don't think it's called the Veterans' Association.... it's the Veterans' Administration. ***
It's neither... It's Veterans Affairs.
http://www.va.gov/
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2014):
Sounds like "typical" PTSD.
And there isn't much you can do if he doesn't acknowledges it and gets help, even with help some Veteran never improve.
My husband is a retired veteran too, medically retired after 25+ years. He does show "classic" signs of PTSD and refuses therapy or getting help. Thankfully he isn't violent, but he can be rude and moody for days. I'm pretty good at reading him so it's rare that he gets going, I simply remove the kids and I from the situation.
Most soldiers I have met don't want to "admit" that they aren't doing so well in the mental health department. It's like a weakness and those they refuse to see. And it's something they can't "fix".
Calling the cops will only put you in danger.
I would suggest you pack your stuff and leave him. Leave a letter (or call him when you are safe) and let him know that you have left and wont be back unless he gets help. VA can help, MilitaryOneSouce can too, but like VA explained, NOT unless he WANTS to help.
Since you do not have kids a divorce would be simple.
I understand that you still love the man he used to be, trust me I KNOW. But as he is right now, without help is a stranger, a VIOLENT and ABUSIVE stranger.
If you decide to stay GET some support and help.
http://www.familyofavet.com/coping_skills_PTSD_spouse.html
http://www.theveteransvoice.com/AskSue-PTSDWives.html
But remember that YOU can not fix this FOR him. So there is a few choices here.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 June 2014):
What kept you from getting help when he tried to crash the car?
Let go of needing to present a happy couple picture to the family. That may be keeping you from getting the help you need.
You already know that no marriage is perfect. So stop trying to keep that illusion.
If you feel unsafe, or threatened or in any way in danger, then do not hesitate for 1 or 10 or 100 or 1000 seconds. GET HELP!
If my husband told me over and over again that I was a mistake, if he tried to wreck the car with both of us in it, if he destroyed part of the house... um, well, that's not normal, that's nowhere near normal and you need to find a place of safety ASAP.
Does the aftermath of your brain tumor cause a problem for you in terms of being able to make plans or ensure your health and well-being?
P.S. I don't think it's called the Veterans' Association.... it's the Veterans' Administration. And there are lots of support groups for people in your situation.... So ask for help yourself. Just because your husband doesn't / can't / won't doesn't mean you can access those resources for yourself.
And, for the record, if he ever acts in a violent or threatening way again, do not hesitate to ask for help!!!!
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