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female
,
anonymous
writes: I’ve been searching the web for advice about having a kinky partner, and happened upon several requests for advice for partners that are chatting. Well, I have no advice, just a similar story – and now a request for advice. My husband and I have also gone through this. About 3 years ago, I snooped into his email account, plain and simple, and found that he was having sexual chats with several women. I was really upset – it felt like cheating to me! And I was torn about snooping into his email account. He felt it wasn't cheating… So, about 6 months ago, I found out that it happened again. This time I found a secret email account, and that he was chatting with men too.He's since come out to tell me that he is bisexual. I've questioned where the relationship is going as this is news to me and I have always thought that a person states that they are bisexual when they're not sure if they are really gay. Did I mention that we’re married?Now that he has been able to tell me about his bisexuality, we’re more open about his fantasies and turn-ons. He would like for us to explore some of his fantasies together and has asked me to think about engaging in online swing sessions - to bring the chatting into our sexual relationship in a safe way – online.I don’t find myself turned on by this. I’m not sure if it’s because of how the whole thing started with us – or if I just don’t want to do this, but I’m afraid of losing him, losing myself or just being plain dull.Feeling kind of trapped – any suggestions or words of wisdom?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2006): You had no business snooping around his emails. It's a question of respect. Now you have to deal with the consequences. You have to accept the fact that he is entitled to his own fantasies. He is still the person you love and the fantasies are a part of him. It must have taken him a lot of guts to admit it. If you feel like you can't indulge him then maybe you need couple counseling and take it from there. Otherwise you're stuck between a rock and hard place.
A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (22 September 2006):
 I've always found when you snoop you only ever find things you really didn't want to see and wish you hadn't because it opens something up you wish you hadn't started in the first place, I would suggest you have a think about what you want, do you want to involve yourself in swinging sessions? threesomes? group sex? if you don't then don't do it for any reason because you can only and should only do what you want to do and what feels right to you, once you've worked out for yourself what you want and don't want then you need to talk to your husbandand tell him what you are thinking and feeling, your husband should love and respect your decision on this matter and understand that going ahead with meeting people without your consent is adultery, I'm sorry to say but if he wants this lifestyle with or without you and you don't and don't want him having it either then maybe going your seperate ways maybe your only option to this as you are the only one that will get hurt, you will always wonder what he is doing behind your back because you told him no and if you agree to him having the lifestyle is it not going to just eat away at you when you know he is off doing this.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (21 September 2006):
 As Andrew "Dice" Clay once commented on bisexual men - "One minute you're going down on your girlfriend, and the next thing you know, it's balls across the chin.
I don't get it and probably never will. If you don't get it, I doubt if you ever will. If you're feeling trapped into doing something you don't want to do, don't do it.
Somewhere along the way, your marriage will suffer, if it hasn't already. You're opening up the door to infidelity, and once open, will be difficult to close.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2006): Even if your story involves all kinds of intrigue and subterfuge (shame on him for going behind your back, shame on you for snooping!) you seem to have arrived at a relatively common problem for couples: the question of give and take when it comes to sex. It's pretty rare that a couple will sync up perfectly for every single interest, so what good couples do is indulge/humour their partners, knowing that sometime soon they'll get their turn. Everyone has a certain amount of wiggle room that they're comfortable with - or how far they're willing to diverge from their own menu to please someone else. Recognize that if you decide to participate in your husband's bisexual fantasies (and yes, bisexual men ARE REAL) you may do so for his sake even if it doesn't thrill you. The reverse side of the coin being that he'll cater to your needs later. All in all, it sounds like (despite some initial difficulty) you and your husband are now communicating well, and are in a good position to start experimenting.
Remember though that even if you do this occasionally out of charity, you should never feel coerced or pressured into doing something you don't want to. Know your limits and speak up when things have gone far enough.
If everything else is fine in your relationship, I'd say give this a shot and think of something that maybe you've been holding out for.
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