A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for nearly 5 years. My husband is 10 years older than me and he is a good man and great husband but we have no intimacy. He can go months without ever touching me and I know he is not having an affair. I have tried talking to him about this but he starts to make excuses and promises he doesn't keep. I have given up and I shouldn't beg for a physical relationship with my husband. I recently went out of town (back to my hometown) and slept with a very good friend of mine. For the first time in a very long time I felt like a woman and I don't regret doing it. My friend wants to continue the affair and to be honest I do too. I don't want to leave my husband but I wonder how do you deal with the guilt of all the lying?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLaura and PuzzleSolver,
Thanks for the responses. I really appreciate honesty and I need it. You both are right the affair can not continue until I resolve what is going to happen in my marriage.
Believe it or not I didn't want anyone to applaud what I was doing I wanted to be steered in a direction that was going to help me come to some decisions that I would need to make.
I am 46 years old and I never imagined myself in this situation. I have seen what deception does to marriages, the pain that it causes. I never thought it would be me on this end and it's hard to reconcile how I could do this to someone I love. Someone my kids adore.
In a very painful way I now see that being with anyother man is a very cowardly thing to do. It's easier than dealing with the reason I am here on some web site looking for someone to justify what I have done when there is no justification. My husband is a good man and deserves to know that our marriage can't continue like this.
PuzzleSolver I think I needed some of the ice cold water that you threw at me to maybe wake me up and realize that my answers are not in someone elses bed but inside me.
Thanks and I really appreciate everything....
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 February 2010):
 My empathy's to you for your problems.I believed there are no rights or wrongs and not everything is in black and white .
I also believed that you cannot use religious reasons or on moralistic grounds unless you are a very religious person and follows strictly or bounded by your religion .
You are a victim of the circumstances . If your husband does not perform his conjugal rights,you have a right to leave this sham marriage.
However, whether you want to stay in this marriage or not is up to both of you to decide.
How your marriage will fare depends on whether you can both seek a compromise and still stay in this marriage.
Will your love for each other be strong enough to hold this marriage together ?
I see some marriages where the men just close an eye to what their wives are doing because they still love them and want to stay with them.
Since they are unable to satisfy their wives in this area,they would have to tolerate and accept this arrangement.
What other choice do they have if they would to say 'No'
The marriage would be over .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): I apologize if I came off harsh, but my intensions were not to beat up on anyone, but simply reason through what you've already said. Now that you've added these little pieces of information, ..if you say you've been unfaithful to your feelings, and so at the same time you feel it difficult being with him or sleeping with him, AND you feel he's being unfaithful by not wanting to fix or cure anything, then there's nothing left to salvage. Unless you can work together, whether on your own or with a councellor, and there is progress because you BOTH are willing to change, there's no way to make the marriage work. You have to walk together not separately(including any cheating or neglect on his part or yours). It's simple..either seriously work it out, and give yourself a time frame, without any cheating or distractions, or leave him if you're not satisfied with your time with him, lately. Then it will give you something to feel good about if it comes to an end, because you can truely say you tried, and treated him the best you could right up until the divorce. The reason I accented the cheating in my previous post is because it's no less destructive than what he's doing, and you can try to blame his distance for the cheating you do, but there's no reason or excuse to cheat, when there were other paths to take. If you say you've taken them, then leaving is the next step before hurt, revenge or cheating, which causes both of those things when they find out. Good luck, and I sincerely hope and believe you can salvage your marriage. But if you can't, then let him be the wrong-doer, not yourself. Keep the respect and honesty, if nothing else, until you ever separate. Trust me, it's worth it, and the only way you'll be able to put up with each other in the bad times. I was trying to make you feel the guilt that equals the cheating so that you'll come clean to him about it, and never do it again. That will be a major step in fixing your marriage, because no marriage can be a happy marriage without honesty. Both have to work as one to be one, which is how you're bound when you get married. When you really feel there is no hope for happiness one day, then be with whoever you want afterwards, but permanently choose to separate first. Good luck, but please try to follow those safe steps. Yes, I sound mean, but if you meditate on the words I say, and actually apply them, you'll be moving in the best direction, as soon as possible. Feel free to talk again, as it's healthy to talk about things such as your situation. You'll feel better letting it out. Just don't give up on yourself in life, even if your marriage ends in divorce or a split. I wish you the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the responses.
PuzzleSolver please forgive who ever has hurt you so you can get past all your anger.
I really appreciate the honesty without making it personal. I know what I did was not the right way of handling this problem. If I didn't realize it wouldn't be posting here.
I have tried repeatedly to address this problem with my husband for years. Our sex life stopped the day we got married. We were on our honeymoon for two weeks and we only had sex once. I think after he got me to marry him he figured I got her don't need to work on it any more.
I have asked him to seek professional help and I have suggested marriage counseling.
I was hoping to maybe hear from men on what they would want their wives to do (besides cheat of course). I was hoping to hear from other people if this has happened to them.
I guess I was not prepared for the attack of being called a "ho" or "slut"
This weekend I will talk to my husband and if he doesn't want to hear me I will leave him. According to PuzzleSolver he needs someone more "Intellectual and loving, rather than a slut.
Faithfulness works in many ways. Is it faithful to be monogamous if that means deadening your your feelings. Can you be unfaithful to your own feelings and faithful to someone else?
Sometimes we should flip the coin and see what is on the other side.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi this is the author of the question posted here....
This is really directed at PuzzleSolver....
You indicate (very clearly) that I am being unfaithful...but wait a minute..have you ever looked it at this from the other side?
What is faithfulness, anyway? Can you be unfaithful to your own feelings and faithful to someone else? Is it faithful to lie in bed night after night with someone you love but no longer desires me?
For me he has been unfaithful, he refuses to even discuss this matter or seek the advise a medical professional. I have repeatedly tried to the point of humilating myself.
You don't know me and I don't appreciate you beating me up...I can do that myself without your help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): You can not have both you have to choose who it is you want, and how do you the affair man is going to stick around if it is more than an affair.
Why is that you do not want leave your husband? If you want to stay then stay completely, and do not sleep with someone else. Sit your husband down and talk to him an find out why he is not touching you etc. It is hard for a man to admit, he is having problems and he needs your support, be there for him it is what being married is about, if he needs you go to the doctors with him then do so. Do whatever it takes to make your marriage work.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (11 February 2010):
Guilt is a terrible emotion to live with, particularly if it is intense and disrupts your daily life.
If it interferes with your daily life,then you will have a serious problem.
Most people often feel guilty about a situation in which they feel they could have prevented something happening, or where they deeply regret their decisions/actions.
Once you know why and what you feel guilty about , then you would know how to solve that problem.
Consider what you will have to do .
Your options are:-
1) You can come clean and accept the consequences .
2)Stop the affair and confess your sins before God and sin no more.
3)Continue and ignore those guilt's.
4)Leave it to fate.
I hope that you will choose the right one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): Emilysanswers, you missed the big point here, in that the only plan b in cheating on your husband is leaving him after being honest about being unfaithful, which was her own fault. If she was curious why he was no longer intimate with her and wanted to try to fix it in any of those means possible, she wouldn't have skipped to creating her own plan b, just to screw her friend on the side. Cheating is never an answer, and never anyone's fault but the cheater's. Don't try to defend her not living up to her side of the bargain, and then running out and getting her itch scratched somewhere else. She should have already left him by the time she reached that decision. Yeah sure.. like he's really going to want to work things out with her now, or pretend it was his fault after she just told him why she started working overtime. You're one more person who shouldn't get married, if you think that cheating and then blaming your spouse's actions for it are the answer. This is exactly why over half of all marriages end in divorce, today, because not enough people TRUELY love their husbands and wives, and seek the advice or help they need BEFORE they spread their legs for other people. To the anonymous asker, I hope he leaves you once you tell him what a faithless slut you are, and finds someone more intellectual and loving, rather than another shag that he'd get bored of, with probably no personality or substance.. That's usually the shallow character of the cheating kind. So don't get a big head about how he acts. By the way, there are no vows in marriage to stop yourself from getting bored of someone, or having sex with them, ..only to NOT adulterate elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (10 February 2010):
Wow, just read puzzle solver's answer.....
I think he's missed the point of marriage and boy is he missing a BIG ONE.
My husband suffered depression and went off me completely and it hurts SO MUCH. Even if you know it's not his fault.
Part of marriage is promising to love and cherish. If you aren't even getting a glance or a hug then he is not holding up his end of the bargain. You are not the only one breaking vows here and you should not be expected to just sit being miserable for the rest of your life rather than feeling loved.
Yes, what you did was very wrong, but it wasn't like you didn't try and fix things at home first.
So it's time to come clean with your husband and tell him that you need him to go and see a doctor, and go and see a counsellor with you. This marriage can only be fixed once:
a) you make up for cheating and rebuild his trust
b) he either works out why he's not interested in you and fixes it, or accepts that he may not want to be with you in that way any more.
You need to cut contact with your old friend for now and give this marriage one big push. Tell your husband that it reached crisis point and that you made a mistake. Give your relationship one last try and if it can't be saved then you are free to move on.
Discrete relationships on the side only work if the marriage is strong and I think if you go down that road you will develop feelings for your friend and want to be with him.
It's better to leave early on and then start something new than to wait until you have a plan B ready to go. It's just not good for anyone involved.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): You gave him first shot and he passed- out of love for him, I'd keep trying to see if you can address this with him, but it may be that you simply need to have an arrangement when you can discreetly get some on the side.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): Marriage comes with vows to stick with forever.. Not to say that all people can stick to them, because after all, we are human. But when you show that little faith in your relationship and your husband, it would be more respectful toward him if you were one, honest, and two, left him. He deserves better, and yes, you should feel guilty. You knew when you promised to love, honor, obey him and all the rest, that it clearly states forever, in marriage. It was a lifelong promise that's already broken, and it's too late to play wife for the rest of your life, or it's just living the ultimate lie. This is another reason most people shouldn't get married in today's ho bag generation, because they just might end up marrying someone like you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): You will not appreciate my responsezm instead of wanting to open your legs to your lover again try working on your marriage. Look at your hb' age - have you ever thought about him suffering from ED. This is a reality. Show him with love that you want to help him and that you understand his problems. Yes I know you crave sex but cheating on your hb is not the right thing. Next time you want to spread it try using a vibrator. Don't come with the guilt bullsh*t - if you had remorse and filled with disgust at yourself you would not be planning to continue your affair. Either help your hb with his problems or get out of your hbs life. You cannot have both your hb and your lover.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 February 2010):
 Since your husband is around 60 years old, I am picturing him having sexual problems like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or prostate problems. That's not to say that all men are like this. I know old couples have sex up to 80 years old. Maybe that's the reason why he lost confidence as a man. But deep down inside he still wants to show and receive affection. But confiding in you about an illness is the last thing a man would do. So rather than facing his own failure as man, he is rejecting you first. Sooner or later he will find out you are lying, by the glow on your face, the special interests you adopted, the new clothes you bought, etc. It's hard and stressful to live a double life. I have yet to find a person who doesn't feel guilty of having an affair. Tell your husband you are unhappy unless he comes out of his shell. If he doesn't do anything I wonder why you would stay with each other.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): If you were a moral person you would feel more guilty about the cheating. Either never cheat again (and get his health problem fixed if he has one), or end things with your husband.
Things to check with your doctor:
Testosterone (free and total)
LH
Estradiol
T3 and T4
TSH
DHEA
Cortisol
Iron
Prolactin
Cholesterol
Blood glucose
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