A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Im 22 and have a lovely boyfriend who is 25 weve been together for one year but the problem is im too scared to get close to him physically and its starting to put a strain on my relationship.My previous relationship before my current boyfriend has effected me emotionally I was with a guy for five months and all he was using me was for sex but the worst part was when he tried to have sex with me while i was asleep and i woke up and told him to get off he didnt and carried on.Im finding it really difficult to get physically close to my biyfriend i allow him to put my arms around me when were sitting down watching tv but i cant snuggle upto him in return he knows about what previously happened but its starting to effect our relationshipWe went away for a weekend together recently the first night we got in bed and he snuggled upto me and he started running his hand up and down my back i asked him if he was horny? he replied yeah and i go go on then lets do this you got me in the mood but i wasnt i just wanted to do this to make him happy he went to go get his protection and came back i stripped off he layed on top of me kissed me and said im sorry i cant do this your scarred and dont really want to do this if your scarred I then go its what you want isnt it? he goes yes but its not what you want tho. In a way i was relived that he didnt want to go threw with it but disappointed as i really want to have sex with him and get close to him but cant.Near the end of our trip away we were watching tv on the bed and he moved closer to me and put his arms around me and i did nothing and just sat there so he got annoyed and just moved away he tried again abit later and still the same i couldnt put my arm around him to snuggle he then said im popping out and I asked him what was wrong he goes nothing I asked again and he said he felt that there wasnt anything physical in our relationship he goes out so after five minites i decided to follow him he was sitting on the stairs i sat down next to him and told him I do love him and I do want to do these things with you but i need time he then goes im not interested in the sex if i wanted sex that bad with you i would of went threw with it the other night but chose not too and then explained it was really hard and frustrating that he cant even snuggle up and watch tv with his girlfriend and how he just wants to hold me but he cant even do that I then really upset him by saying well dump me then! I cant give you what you want you might aswell find someone who will give you what you want! he replies with I just want to be with you but im finding it difficult to be with someone i cant even cuddle upto.So I dont know what to do I love my boyfriend to bits but I feel like im slowly pushing him away and im going to lose him what can I do so i can cuddle upto him like i want to without being scared to do soThanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): hi, i felt i couldnt not reply to this as i know how you feel. i went through many years of sexual abuse as a child and it left me feeling that i couldn't let anyone get close to me, physically or emotionally. trust me, it gets easier. it sounds to me like you have a really really nice guy who is willing to wait until you are ready to take things further, believe me, many other guys aren't as patient.
the thing to remember is that he isn't pushing you for sex, in fact its the opposite, you were willing to please him and give him what he wants and he said no, out of respect for your wishes and feelings. from reading your question, it sounds like he is quite happy to just cuddle and snuggle up to you which really isn't that bad, its the opposite, its lovely to have that warm feeling of someone wanting to just be near you.
there comes a point after going through something like you have, that you have to put yourself slightly out of your comfort zone and say to yourself 'i'm not going to let my ex ruin what i have with this man, or ruin the rest of my life'. its hard i know but its not like im saying go jump into bed with him. its just a cuddle, it can't hurt you.
letting yourself go a bit and letting your man in a bit is the only way you're going to learn to trust again. its tough but when you come out the other end its well worth it. not all men are like your ex, and by the sounds of it you have one of the good guys. if it were just sex he was after he'd have been gone a long time ago.
my advice would be to let him cuddle you and cuddle him back, tell him thats all you want at the moment, but its a start and he'll see that. if things go further after that then great, if not then its a step forward and you're learning to trust again. it proves that your boyfriend can cuddle you and not push you for anymore. everything else will come naturally after that. you will get so close that you don't even know its happening because you trust him and it will feel right.
i'm 28 now, i was abused between the ages of 8 and 14 which resulted in rape and an aborted pregnancy. as i said i'm now 28, i'm married to a wonderful and we have 2 beautiful children. i was lucky, i have someone that understood and we've come through the hard times together. by the sounds of it you have a man who is much the same so work together with him.
trust me, you'll get through it.
i wish you both all the luck and happiness for the future
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): hi, i felt i couldnt not reply to this as i know how you feel. i went through many years of sexual abuse as a child and it left me feeling that i couldn't let anyone get close to me, physically or emotionally. trust me, it gets easier. it sounds to me like you have a really really nice guy who is willing to wait until you are ready to take things further, believe me, many other guys aren't as patient.
the thing to remember is that he isn't pushing you for sex, in fact its the opposite, you were willing to please him and give him what he wants and he said no, out of respect for your wishes and feelings. from reading your question, it sounds like he is quite happy to just cuddle and snuggle up to you which really isn't that bad, its the opposite, its lovely to have that warm feeling of someone wanting to just be near you.
there comes a point after going through something like you have, that you have to put yourself slightly out of your comfort zone and say to yourself 'i'm not going to let my ex ruin what i have with this man, or ruin the rest of my life'. its hard i know but its not like im saying go jump into bed with him. its just a cuddle, it can't hurt you.
letting yourself go a bit and letting your man in a bit is the only way you're going to learn to trust again. its tough but when you come out the other end its well worth it. not all men are like your ex, and by the sounds of it you have one of the good guys. if it were just sex he was after he'd have been gone a long time ago.
my advice would be to let him cuddle you and cuddle him back, tell him thats all you want at the moment, but its a start and he'll see that. if things go further after that then great, if not then its a step forward and you're learning to trust again. it proves that your boyfriend can cuddle you and not push you for anymore. everything else will come naturally after that. you will get so close that you don't even know its happening because you trust him and it will feel right.
i'm 28 now, i was abused between the ages of 8 and 14 which resulted in rape and an aborted pregnancy. as i said i'm now 28, i'm married to a wonderful and we have 2 beautiful children. i was lucky, i have someone that understood and we've come through the hard times together. by the sounds of it you have a man who is much the same so work together with him.
trust me, you'll get through it.
i wish you both all the luck and happiness for the future
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (10 February 2010):
 My only advice is not to always compare one person to another, expecting the same, and especially do not let the actions of someone in the past affect a current or any future relationships.
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