A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I want to tell you all my situation. I have previously told about this but I left out key details as I didn't want you to tell me to leave him or that I was stupid. I am 21 years old, trainee doctor with a loving and secure family. I met my boyfriend 5 years ago in high school, we've been together for four and a half. We live in a small town where we are seen as a 'power couple'. A couple that are totally in love, who always seem happy and strong together. I've had people comment that they hope when they find love that their relationships mimic mine and my boyfriends. I always felt loved, appreciated, safe and happy. My boyfriend is a good man, reliable, hard working and honest. Many people like him and my family worshiped him. Treated him like there own. My father set him up his own company when he qualified which is now very successful. The week before my 21st birthday I noticed a change. Normally he would ring me as soon as he finished work, arrange how we would spend our evening together. If we weren't seeing each other we would spend at least an hour discussing our days, good or bad. This all stopped. The phone calls, the texts and he no longer had time for me. He had to 'work' extra and his friends were always arranging outings with him. I was devastated with my 21st birthday coming up. We had arranged so many plans and I had made such an effort for his the year before. Instead he came and spent the day with me, yet the effort wasn't there. The week after my birthday he had told me he was taking me away as a surprise, yet he was too busy to see me before this. The Thursday the day before my 'weekend away' he rang me to tell me it was no longer arranged for the whole weekend, only Saturday. He could not spend Friday with me either or the Sunday. I was yet again left devastated, pining for the love, affection and attention my boyfriend normally showed me. That Saturday night away I cried to him, hysterically, about how let down I felt and how much I missed and loved him. He shouted at me and told me I was an ungrateful bitch. I apologised repeatedly for this. We then went on holiday with my family the following week, I did not see him until the evening we went. He came up at nearly midnight, said he had been packing and with friends. Our holiday was okay, but he spent a lot of time in the apartment on his hotel. I was paranoid and checked his phone every night. Something I have never done before, I found nothing.We came home and the arguments continued and his time for me lessened. Until one day, he announced that he wanted to spend the weekend with me. I was shocked and over the moon, he hadn't done this in so longer. Turns out he had ended things with her. The women he had been seeing behind my back for 6 weeks. I found out about this two days later. He had spent my 21st birthday with her, my birthday weekend with her, the night we went on holiday he had been with her, and every time he had to work he was with her. He had been texting her whilst he was on holiday with my family. Whilst he sat with my father every evening on the balcony and talked about the future over beers. When all along he had been doing that to me. To us. When I found out he lied to me, said they were just friends. The women eventually told me the truth. She said he had ended things with her to sort things out with me two days previous. Hence he now had time for me. He spent the week after I found out a mess. I have never seen him so devastated. He said he didn't realise he loved me as much as he did, and that this had made him realise that. He offered to mature, prove himself every second of the day to me and to build a stronger relationship from this. At first all I wanted was to remove that information from my mind. I wanted me and my perfect birthday to go back to normal. I had been so excited for our weekend together and now this. I didn't want to believe he could do that to me, my family or his family. I am very close to his family also. I didn't want to let the relationship go. I believed him when he said he had made a huge mistake. His mum offered support, but also said she had never seen him this devastated in his life. They are very close, apparently he promised her he loved me more than anything and would never do this to another human every again. She believes him, so do I. I genuinely don't think he will ever do this to another person again. What I can't get passed is that he cheat around the time that he did. The man I know and love I wonder if I know at all. This man clearly has no morals or human compassion. What he did was disgusting. My heart wants to forgive him, I want this man in my life. My head says he's a scumbag. I'm so confused.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2014): I can really feel where you're coming from. I know how it feels to love someone and have them betray you. I also know how difficult it is to forgive and move on, but at the same time be unable to turn off your feelings.There are several things that concern me about your post and what you describe. It sounds from your point of view that you are a perfect couple, that's he's your ideal match etc. If this is the case and he feels the same, I can't see why he'd cheat. As for the cheating itself, again it wasn't a drunken fumble or a one night stand. Your bf was having a relationship with someone for at least six weeks behind your back and had no problems lying to you about it. Even when you confronted him he continued to lie. To me that doesn't support this guy being wonderful and your relationship being perfect.If you'd been going through a rough patch and he'd gotten drunk on a night out and cheated, I could understand. If he'd agonised about what he'd done and confessed to you, again I'd be more understanding.The only person who knows if you can get past this is you. You have to decide if you can forgive and forget what happened. You need to know that you can regain trust in someone who can betray you so easily. You need to know that when he does have to work late, you won't feel the need to check up on him. You need to know that he won't ever betray you again. My experience is that once the trust has been broken like this, it's almost impossible to come back from. In all honesty, your relationship will never be the same again. My advice would be to dump the jerk and move on. Trust me in the long run it'll be less painful. All the best with whatever you decide to do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2014): Even if we said you should break up with him, would you? Probably not. The love you feel for him is obviously strong and I feel that you should give him one last chance. It sounds like he knows he did wrong and feels genuinely terrible about it. But you guys need to have open communication about everything and you have the right to ask questions when he's working late, or doing something out of the ordinary, if he gets irritated that you ask questions, then he doesn't care about the relationship as much as he should. Be very careful though, as cheaters tend to stay cheaters. Maybe it really was just a one time fling, and now he realized how much he loves you. But be careful.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 September 2014):
 That's really really a tough one.
Normally I would advice a general , sensible rule of thumb : everybody deserves a second chance and nobody a third. So, if he is really repentant, you take him back, try and work through your anger and disappointment, let him prove you by his actions that he means to always toe the line, and hope for the best. And if ever he is so dumb to do anything that smells even as remotely fishy- immediate kick to the curb, he knew he was on probation and he had to behave immaculately; but, no need to cross that bridge before reaching there.
But...but... each case is different and in yours there. are things that make me uneasy
1 ) methinks the gentleman doth protest too much. His atonement is very showy, I remember vaguely previous posts in which you say that he cries and cries... Uhm. Not because " a real man never cries " of course, but because generally when you are really mortified shame makes you dumbstruck and tongue tied , if any. He acts a bit too theatrical, as if he wants to be sure you won't miss he is so, SOOO sorry. Maybe this is an ingerenous comment , but, what can I tell you- gut feeling.
2 ) What spoils greatly the value of his atonement, is that his remorse did not push him to fess up . Oh no. It's not that what he had done bothered him so much that he just HAD to come clean . In fact, he lied through his teeth. It took the other girl to out him and leave him no pption than admitting the truth.
Not cool.
3 ) Your father set up your bf's company- helped him financially. In a small town.
Maybe your bf was just scared , he realized all if a sudden which way his bread is buttered.
Like, what if your father got mad and wanted his investment back ? What if he had the power to mess up your bf's business ? In a small town, that's very easy to do. A reputation of unreliability and lack of scruples by a senior, prominent figure ( as your dad could be )... and you are on the black book of your bank, suppliers and customers too.
Not to talk about the social ostracism. It's a smmall town, everybody knows you guys, if you gravitate in the same circles, if he has , or wants to have, access to certain circles in yours and your's father's social area of influence, he risks to be cut out, shunned. Not pleasant if he has to live there.
What I am saying is that he may have decided to come back to you, ALSO because he still loves you, Ok. But there might have been other more technical and practical problems, that he was just too chicken to face.
4 ) This was not just an one time slip up, or some drinken hook up, typical of a guy who got committed too early and is curious to see what he has been missing out. He spent quite some time with the girl, he lied a lot, covered up a lot to be with her. Basically, they were sort of dating behind your back. She had enough pull to make him skip important days like your birthday. It was not something that he was " doing " in some spare moments of your relationship. Although for a short time, - 6 weeks - he has tried to prioritize her.
That would sound to me ,maybe, like someone who's tryng to muster the courage to jump ship- but at the end decides it's best to stick to the true and tried.
I am not saying it went like that, how could I know ? I am saying these would be the doubts that inevitably would be nagging me ( and, I guess, many other women, in this situation ).
Can you handle that ? can you really let go forever of any mistrust ? can you wipe the slate totally clean and restart from now on ? can you really, with all your heart, not only forgive him for having messed up
( forgiving it's the easy part ! everybody can make a mistake ! ) but BELIEVE, deeply believe, that, regardless of his mistake, he truly loves you ?...
Only you can answer these questions, whose answers can guide you in making a decision.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (17 September 2014):
 I am so sorry he has done this too you. I have to wonder that if your father money and setting up the business is the reason he has stayed with you? Why risk a loving happy relationship for sex? I am not sure how you would be very sure what you really mean to him. He is not only unappreciative and grateful to have a wonderful girlfriend like you but also took advantage of your family.
When you were crying your heart out and hurting - you were far from his thoughts and busy having sex with another woman. He could not be bothered that you were turning 21 and make it special for you. If you have the strength I suggest you forget this loser as he is not worth it after what he put you through.
Would he take you back if you had an affair, I don't think so. I suggest you test him, tell him during the time he was treating you badly , in your emotional state you hooked up with some one, lets see how forgiving he is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2014): Well, I'd be a big-fat hypocrite if I told you that you shouldn't forgive him. Give it plenty of thought, and look back on his past history between you.
Why? Because I actually caught my partner of almost six years in bed with another person. I saw it with my own eyes. I was torn apart and pissed as all hell!!! I'd known and loved him since I was only 17; and we had only really begun a real relationship when we were both in our 20's. I felt that it all went down the drain. I hadn't really loved anyone that way before, or since. Doesn't mean I can't or won't. Don't get it skewed!
Well, six years had already proven to me how good it was and how we really felt about each other up until then. I got over my anger, and I didn't want to let anyone steal what we had. So I forgave him.
We worked hard. We struggled to keep what we had. One difference, I don't play. You don't mess with my feelings. He knew that without a molecule of doubt. I couldn't recall anything he'd ever done that measured up to this. That's what saved his ass! I knew he was a man of integrity, and this was out of character. The other guy was hot. Stupid as a f*ck! So I know it was strictly sexual. He'd never survive my partner's razor wit and humungous ego! He stumbled into a hornet's nest. That's what made him so stupid!
We had many other issues we worked through thereafter; but cheating was never one of them. He did everything possible to win back my trust. I have the capacity to truly forgive without holding a grudge. That doesn't mean I didn't place the burden on his shoulders to earn my trust back. I didn't just hand it to him, but I knew when to let up and reward him. How to move forward. No one outside family has ever made me feel that loved.
Only forgive if you can do it without torturing yourself, or the person trying to redeem themselves. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm not one of those dumb people who forgives like a fool. Let people crap all over me; because I love them. No way! I practice what I preach. Ask my friends!
I told him if it ever happened again; I'd leave without another word. He would be dead to me, and I would never look him in his eyes for as long as he lived. I meant that.
He knew it. He died when our relationship hit the 28-year mark. We survived 20 years from that mistake. I have never loved anyone like that ever since; but I will allow myself to try. He would want me to. I would have, if I died first.
We spent our relationship being good to each other. Teaching each other how to be good people, and how to be unselfish. My heart aches to tell you he is gone, but if I didn't forgive him based on his proven record. I may have regretted it. All cheaters don't deserve it. All don't make up for it. I caught him, so he couldn't lie to me. So, I had that advantage.
Knowledge gave me leverage. I could have just ended it all the day I caught the two of them, in my bed; on my white linen sheets. I took a risk that paid-off. I forgave, and he earned it. My head said he was a scumbag too. I could have thrown two naked people from a six-story window. I chose to take a less dramatic way to handle it. I could have spent those 20 years plus in prison! Whew!!!
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (17 September 2014):
 That's a tough one. It truly is. The thing that is so heartbreaking about cheating is that despite the act being devastating, and completely wrecking to your heart, it doesn't make you magically stop loving the person. So you go on loving them, wishing you didn't. And rationally, you know you should leave. But your heart clings on. It's such a confusing and emotional time.
I have been cheated on once before in a previous relationship and chose to stay, and I'll say this: I'll never do that again. Not because people don't necessarily deserve to be forgiven - because they do. But forgiving someone for something and choosing to stay with them are two completely different things. I learned that, for me, once that trust is broken, it's shattered. And there is no mending it. There is no erasing it. There are many things I can forgive. But cheating is the ultimate deception to the person you claim to love. And once that has been broken, to me, there is no going back. It completely changes the entire dynamic of your relationship. But that's just me.
I can't tell you to run away and leave him. Because this is your personal situation and only you know what is best for you and what you can and can't forgive. People do make mistakes. It sounds like this was the biggest one of his life. At the same time, that also doesn't mean you can just go on like it never happened. If you do choose to stay with him, I think that's noble of you. You're a strong woman. But if you can't, there's certainly no shame in that, either.
Just realize that the control is now in your hands. Do with it what you will and whatever is best for you. Good luck.
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