A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hiya, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 11 months now, and i'm not sure how i feel about him anymore. We had a bad year as i've had an emotional year due to a house i was living in being terrible with awful people in it, and also my nan dying and my dad having surgery for an aortic anneyurism. In january i had a breakdown and my boyfriend didn't know how to deal with it, (this is his first relationship) and we had a lot or arguments. Then through out the year we have had arguments, with most nights out ending up with my tears and arguments. Then just before my nan died he broke up with me for no reason, the day after we got back together, as he realised he'd made a mistake, but now i dont know how i feel, i always thought when you were in love your heart fluttered, but i don't get this. When i'm away from him i'm sure i miss him, but i feel so lonely these days i'm not sure if i miss him or i miss talking to someone other than my parents. Currently he is in Europe for the next month and he has no way of contacting me really, just an odd email here or there. I want to make a good start wen he gets back, and i don't know whether our relationship needs help or what to do really, i'd appreciate help.Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): Thats really useful, thank you so much, that's really going to help, thank you!
I know what i need to do now
A
female
reader, jessjess +, writes (2 September 2009):
 Couldn't have said it better than Tisha!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (2 September 2009):
 You've been through some stressful times and it sounds like you are very emotionally fragile. You said you had a breakdown? Well, first relationship or not, that's not something people have a whole lot of experience in coping with. I assume you were getting professional help to get over this breakdown? You can't expect your boyfriend to suddenly have completed PhD in psychology and know the best way to help you.
I don't mean to sound harsh here, if I am, I apologize. I know a little of what it's like to have stressors you can't control suddenly change your life, and your outlook on life as well. If you're not strong and centered in yourself, you will find it difficult to cope.
If you're exhausted and depressed, your heart isn't likely to flutter much. It seems to me that the heart flutters when the mind, body and heart are healthy and engaged fully in the relationship.
I think I'd take the time you have not to focus on him, but instead turn your thoughts and the healing you seek onto yourself. Work on you, in other words, not the relationship. I don't mean that you ignore him or not respond to your emails, of course. You're not being mean or distant to him here. You're just going to find some ways of bringing balance and strength into your life.
Are you physically healthy, do you eat right, get exercise and sleep enough? If not, then fix it. See the doctor if needed, join a gym, practice good sleep habits.
Why don't you have friends to talk to? You said it was only your parents besides him that you have to talk to? Uh uh, girl, that has to change. Find people, girl friends you can hang out with and discuss nail polish and world peace and your ups and downs. No one person can be your absolute EVERYTHING, it's just too much strain on the relationship.
Accept the imperfections that aren't fatal flaws, like an abusive nature, or a sociopathic tendency. The object of your love doesn't have to be perfect, he just has to be perfect enough for you.
Go find something to do that makes your heart flutter for real--kayaking, skiing, aerobics, whatever it is. Blood flowing in your veins also feeds your brain and those endorphins are pretty good for helping you feel good about yourself. And if you feel good about yourself, you can feel good about him and being with him.
Does that all make sense? I hope it does, and that it helps a little. Take care.
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