A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I wrote here about a week ago about a guy I'm dating, it isn't serious I don't particularly want it to be serious I just want to go with the flow kind of thing enjoy the moment take things slow.Last night we went out and had a great time decided to come back to mine to chill out for awhile I don't even remember how we got on to the subject but we started talking about his ex???We have both just come out of serious relationships me 4 years I had a child with my ex and him 2 years they had no children. He told me he was still in love with his ex and was struggling to move on from her he also told me he felt absolutely nothing for me. Now I'm not saying I'm in love with him but I do enjoy time with him there's no pressure I don't text him all the time I enjoy my own space. But I would never belittle him to a point where I was saying I didn't like him.We also slept together quite early about 3 days after we met he says he feels as if that has ruined things? We haven't slept together since because I told him it was also too soon for me it too but it did take both of us I didn't sleep with myself....He then told me he doesn't know what he wants, I'm sat here thinking well, me either but I'm not going to say I don't like you. He then told me he enjoys spending time with me but wouldn't care if he didn't see me. That's fine but again who says that to someone they are just starting something with.He told me he didn't want to be the same as he was with his ex girlfriend he said he did everything for her and didn't want to make as much effort with me because he wanted it to be different (I then felt as if I was being compared) I told him it was time to leave, I was really upset at this point because I'm sat in limbo waiting for him to make a decision on what he wants. He then before he left leaned into kiss me??!?!??!!!My head is going nuts I'm confused all I wanted is something simple to date see where things went if it didn't work I could deal with that but it's no longer simple. I really like him so I don't want to just say go away but at the same time I feel like I should.
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, his ex, move on, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (20 January 2014):
 You clearly picked out some damaged goods! Hey, at least you know he's honest!
He clearly is incredibly far from being over his ex and IS comparing their relationship together to you. He's not ready to date. He's still way too attached and in love with her to ever even consider starting a fresh relationship with you at this moment. So much so that he's turned into a babbling idiot.
The things he has said - try not to take them personally, if that's possible. you're right. who says that? People who are really hurt and hung up on someone say things like that. Lol. You're not at fault and I'm sure you're a catch. He just can't see that right now.
Don't pursue this relationship at all. He's not ready.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): What Ciar is saying is right. But in addition I'd say that you are right to acknowledge that sleeping together so soon has ruined things BUT you don't seem to have really thought through exactly how it has. To be generous to this guy - and I mean only in thinking it through, not that you should actually BE generous to him - he is mixed up about his feelings and you are being presented with that mix, including his alternating between far too intimate behaviour - both bodily behaviour and in the sense of him behaving in a 'confessional'/far too open way with you - and then this conflicting with him acknowledging that he feels nothing, or very little and behaving as if that is the case, which it is. Of course you are confused, any person in their right midnd would be confused. But please don't make the mistake of thinking that you have to help him to sort himself out or that, because you understand what may have gone wrong - being too intimate too soon - you can sort this out. Move on and learn from this mistake. Don't sleep with guys too soon in future as this kind of thing will happen over and over again. A friend of mine did that for decades, literally, and was EXTREMELY 'lucky' to finally sleep with someone who values her - the downside being that we, her friends, think that he is extremely dodgy and they are already on their way to being completely co-dependant on one another, but at least he treats her with respect and it 'works' for them. No one really wants to socialise with them anymore, but hey.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 January 2014):
 Actually it IS that simple. In fact it's more simple now than it was before.The man is clearly a cad. Not getting too serious too soon is certainly wise, but telling someone that you don't care if you ever see them again, and that you're not going to put in much effort is extremely rude. His manners and his social/dating skills are atrocious.And after he's behaved badly you're prepared to hang about waiting for him to decide whether or not to keep you around? It is poor choices like these that ultimately erode a woman's self esteem. The term 'self esteem' gets bandied about so often I don't think most people in these situations stop and think about what it actually means. Self esteem is the esteem in which you hold yourself. If you want to be able to hold yourself in high esteem, then you must act in a way that merits it. Self respect doesn't come from chanting 'I love myself' in the mirror every day. You have to get out there and EARN it. How do you earn it? By treating others as you would have them treat you and by expecting others to treat you the way you would treat them. You earn it by being the kind of person you can be proud of. And a woman who is prepared to wait around like a tool for some asshole to make up his mind (after he's already insulted her) is not someone most people would respect. Would you?So again, this is really very simple.
...............................
|
