A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys. I'll try to be as brief as possible because this is complicated. So, I met my current guy two years ago through a mutual friend and very quickly we became inseparable. He was the best boyfriend I ever had, beautiful, romantic, and totally into me. We were in love planning our future (marriage, kids etc). Then around a year ago things started to go bad. Not between us but his life kind of fell into pieces (his mom got cancer, his business failed, his best mate died and he is being dragged to court)As a result he became severely depressed.By this point our relationship did not really suffer. He was honest with me and told me he was battling depression and how lucky he was to have me in his life. Things deteriorated last July when he tried to turn our relationship to a mere friendship. He told me he did not love me then he said it was a lie. He would push me away then frantically chase me back. He said I deserve a better man. I finally agreed.We broke up in August and I maintained absolutely no contact with him for two months. He came back chasing me like a man possessed. I found him in the rain on my doorstep in the early hours one night, took him in and let him sleep in my bed (no sex). He kept cuddling me, kissing my hair and telling me his steps led him only to my doorstep. After another two weeks of begging he asked to see me. I went to his place and he proposed. I said no because I felt we have so many problems we need to work on them first. He told me he loves me in an absolute way that it scares him. He convinced me to make love and then the next morning he took it all back. He broke my heart. I swore I would never see him again but he showed up again and made me listen. He said his depression is making him doubt everything. That he loves me but doesn't want to drag me down with him. That he doesn't want to lose me. Things went hot from then on. Our sex life exploded. He once again proved that he loved me every single day. Then he left for the holidays to go spend time with his sick mom. In the beginning everything was fine. He was in touch with me several times daily telling me how much he loved me and how he can not wait to be with me. Then it all changed. An incident happened (a "friend" of mine got involved) and I found out he had told our common friend he is not sure he can handle being in a relationship with me. I was inredibly hurt and sent him a text asking if it is a good idea to keep seeing each other. He immediately called, reassured me and things went back to normal for a week. Now he hardly ever texts and I feel he is pulling away. He has for the last three weeks. Now it has been more than a week that I heard nothing. I am not initiating anything either as it feels forced. I am still hurt/confused by his behavior and I don't know what to do. He stayed with his mom longer than it was planned and lately it feels he is drifting away again. I understand this may not have to do with me, but I can't help suspecting that it might. I know he is coming back (maybe I am wrong but my gut tells me he will, if he doesn't the question is pointless) but how do I handle him? I don't want to allow his depression to give him a pass for bad behavior. I have been reading I should just be loving and act as if I have not noticed but I can't do that. Any suggestions? This man is the love of my life. I am old enough to know what we had is real. So how do I handle it? I understand what he is going through but he should not get the impression that this behavior is acceptable.Thanks for reading
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female
reader, Viktobi  +, writes (24 January 2014):
Hi,Completely agreeing with Ciar on this one. It seems that he can always count on you coming back to him. Hence his behavior is acceptable to you.The truth is you need to work on you as well. You have sacrificed a lot for this person and unfortunately we humans tend to easily take people for granted. If you do not appreciate the way he handles his depression then it's time to let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and its time for you to move on. How many chances do you want to give him when this seems like a repeated trend?It is easier said than done but sometimes (if not all the time) it does turn into something even better. Perhaps you should do some YOU time....focus on things that make you happy for now....this is better for your mind....because it is not fair to keep you on a string like that. He cannot assume that just because he is depressed (and I am sorry for the things he is currently going through) however he does not need to affect other people (especially people who care about him) negatively.Take care and wish you all the best
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 January 2014):
 Clearly his behaviour IS acceptable. To you anyway or you wouldn't keep taking him back.
He acts the way he does because he has nothing to lose. Not hearing from you for a couple of months gives him the space he wants and when he wants you back, he just shows up on your door step.
I think the person you need to reach here is YOU. Everyone has limits and you need, for your own sake as well as his, to establish some for yourself. Allowing this yo yo existence only nurtures the worst in him. It doesn't encourage him to overcome his difficulties to be a better, happier man.
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