A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello,A little background information, My boyfriend and I have been together for just about 4 years and have 2 young children. Our sex life has never been crazy, I got pregnant pretty quick when we first started dating (3 months)so I think that may have affected it a bit. After I had our baby, it took about 7 months before our sex life was somewhat normal, 2-3 times a week, I was on birth control, but when our daughter was 14 months found out I was pregnant again. I just had our second baby 4 months ago, but we only have sex once a month, not because I don't want to, but because he isn't in to it. I know he looks at porn (pictures) so I feel a little self conscious, trying not to let it get to me too much. Even with after having our first, we had sex more than this. I know he isn't cheating on me. We go to bed at different times, as I have to wake up with baby at night, so I am in bed by 10-11 pm, while he likes to stay up. He is still affectionate with me, we just never have sex. I am just worried about our relationship, everything else is great, just the no sex. To be fair, with 2 young kids,I wake up with them at 6 am and by the time the youngest is asleep for the night, it is 1-110 pm, so we like to relax and enjoy the quiet for 30 min to 1 hr before going to sleep, we RARELY have alone time together, which I think could be part of the problem. I just want some advice on how to fix this, I am pretty sure it is the lack of time alone, but not sure if maybe he is losing interest (even though he says he isn't) I have asked him to come to bed with me so we can, and he doesn't, so I am unsure if he is just exhausted from long day at work and then kids all evening or our relationship is starting to fizzle out. Any advice or a outside point of view would be appreciated and thank you for reading this, I know it's a bit long. Also I am 27, he is 26
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2011): Original poster again, Thank you all for your answers! One of you mentioned how our relationship got locked in and we never got to build a foundation, you are right! I feel this all the time, we have only known each other as parents to our kids, we never got to do the normal stuff most couples do when they get together, it was an instant family, and although we have made it work (not without problems) I feel this is something that definitely affects our relationship. We do have plans to go out in just over a week, his mom is in town and will watch the girls for the night. Really looking forward to it, our life is definitely very routine, so it will be nice to get out. We are looking at getting a regular sitter, as I have told him we need our own time together at least once a month, if only for a few hours. Thanks again everyone :)
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (8 December 2011):
 Think I remember you posting before.You need to sort out some regular babysitting before you can tackle the sex issue. It looks like it's got to be the sister, 1 hour away. Have you tried to talk to him and get his opinion about who to dump the kids with. How about you drop in on the sister and beg and plead for her help. If you got any spare money, then book you and him into a hotel. You need to sit down and talk about being woman and man and not only parents. Also sort out some good contraception, injection is probably the best. Man and woman should have at least one special night a week, not always possible with children, but that's what you should aim for. Discuss the options with him, you can even go out separately on this day, so you'll stop feeling like old people and have some spark and sexiness again.It can be done, my friend in a family of 5 kids, remembers being forced to go to church on Sundays, through sun, wind, rain and snow. You want things better, well your gonna have to push a little bit, and that includes friends and family.PS: Nothing stopping you from doing some groping, kissing, and sex talk.. romancing and sexing should be going on all the time, not just when your ready for sex in the bedroom.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): It will be fine. Give yourself and him some time. I am sure 50 % reason is that he is respecting your busy schedules and responsibilties towards kids as a mother. I guess, he is just being used to the fatherhood in 2 quick. Enjoy.. no consciousness. All guys any way watch porn. It is normal for them. they deal with it in very casual manner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): Since both your kids weren't planned, he may be afraid to have sex with you now for fear it will lead to yet more unplanned kids. I don't fault him for that as it means he's being responsible. Another possibility is that since you got pregnant very early into the relationship, almost the entire time you've known each other it has been as parents and partners tied together by mutual children and not as individuals. It's like you barely knew each other and then "instant family" so you never really established a sound relationship where you got to know each other as individuals with the freedom to actually choose to be together for the long haul. It's like the relationship started, then 3 months later it got "locked into place" because the first pregnancy happened. Once the choice to explore the relationship for what it is, and to develop it and see where it goes, is taken away (and for many couples, having children takes away that choice to leave the relationship because moral duties dictate that "this is it" this relationship must continue) then continuing the relationship doesn't feel the same as if it's done out of free will. that doesn't mean the relationship is by default bad, just that it didn't get a chance to grow properly instead it got prematurely locked into place as if it was at a more mature stage than it really was. If so I think you need to focus more on connecting mentally and emotionally with your boyfriend to try and build that relationship, and see where it goes.But overall I think that if as you say, everything else is great, then let this go and concentrate on the good aspects of the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): Have you thought to search local church groups for responsible teens with first aid training? have you joined any Mom and Tots groups to build a friends network and ask around for reliable babysitters? Explore options. Also maybe put out a few ads. Looking for Babysitter, Teen, First Aid, for Fridays from 6PM to 10PM. Will be caring for 2 girls, ages... ??Then ask for references or have the teen over to slowly introduce her to your home and girls. Like for a half hour on Tuesday, pay her for full hour rate. Then for an Hour Wednesday. Or to have on hand while you cook or do laundry and clean. So daughters get to know her and you do as well.Go over budget and see what you can afford for Fridays. For 2 daughters, for 4 hours, I'd say $40-$50. Make it worth while so a Teen WANTS to babysit every Fridays.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): Original poster here,
Thanks, the problem is I have no family here, they live across country and his parents don't live around us (his mom is a 5 hour drive and his dad is about a 7 hour drive away) his mom occasionally comes to the city for her job, and she will watch the kids for us, but that is very rarely, 1 time every 4 months. His sister lives in the city, but on the other side (1 hr away) and never really offers to babysit. My mom comes to visit once a year and will watch them, or I will fly with the girls out there to visit, I get babysitting anytime there, but my boyfriend has to stay back and work, so doesn't help our situation. I have brought up to him that we need to make an effort to get out once in a while alone together, so hopefully we can figure something out. I really do wish we lived closer to my family as it would make it so much easier lol! Thanks for your advice :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): Couples Counselling.
Also DATE NIGHTS. Reserve Fridays for YOU TIME. Rekindle the fun, friendship, romance with good, carefree time. No Bars!
Even if its going for a walk, window shopping, video games. Bowling.
STay in and have someone take the kids for the night, Mom Dad. Give each foot or back rubs, watch a movie, eat something fun! Even suggest a bubble bath together or shower together.
I'm going to offer that a man or woman that is happy with themselves; does not fall prey to pornography. Its a tool to distract and derive gratification. Nothing more comes of it. It does not bring couples together. It does not promote family values. It robs people of their time, and of their sex lives. If it was harmless, it wouldn't have the stats of being a leading cause of breakdown in relationships and trust.
I see the symptom of the porn and no sex a concern and thus, couples counselling.
In the meantime, get proactive and initiage date nights.
He may not want any more children and sex with you is a turn off due to it lead to pregnancies that sound, well, not planned. He may be afraid to tell you but, he has his rights and he has two children already. Its a big financial responsibility as well as being able to provide for their needs, emotional, physical, even spiritual/mental. If children were not planned together; There may be harboured feelings of resentment, hurt, betrayal, and mistrust. So again, counselling.
When a couple brings children into their home, they should do so as a agreed apon decision, plan for them, and be able to provide for them.
Hope this provided some insight.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 Having two young children can be a lot to deal with, am sure you know that yourself. But maybe it is just effecting him differently and he has lost his sex drive over it. Off course there may be a deep routed problem as well. The children where not planned, and maybe he could be scared of getting you pregnant again and not being able to cope with three children. Really it is something you need to talk to him about and see how he feels. Tell him how it makes you feel and ask him to open up to you.
In any relationship, time alone is really important, and more so if you are trying to add the spark back in to your relationship. So maybe you should both put more effort in to trying to achieve this. Am sure you and he have a family who would be willing to babysit for you a night. Does the children have grand parents that would be willing to keep them over night? So you and he can have the house to yourselves. Maybe have a romantic night and bring back that spark.
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