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*atima
writes: Hello, I'm 20 yrs old black beauty. Been a serious relationship with this guy who is asian. My problem is ever time I ask to speak to his folks he never wants me to. He keeps promising me that he will do an intro. Well I know his mum and him are not best of friends, but how can I ever tell the future with us if we've been together for 1 half yr, and I've never spoken or met any of his family? There's always a problem with that, I don't want to lose him but many times I've broken up because of this. He starts to cry, begs me to stay and never leaves me alone... I'm worried. I need to know, is it cause I'm a black girl? He says No. Should I break up with him for good? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2005): There is SO many possibilities here. Let's go over them. It’s possible that you both are on different timetables. He might have an idea of when timing will be right to introduce you to his family. But the other evidence (i.e., he doesn't get on well with his Mother) could suggest that it’s more than that and he may be embarrassed by his Mother, and doesn't want to expose you to HER. You may have to reassure him that no matter what she's like, you can handle it. The race issue is a big possibility, as there could be some cultural clashes that could occur if his family has had their heart set on their son marrying an asian girl.
How you fit into the world as a couple has a lot to do with how you socially interact together and how you meld all the parts of your lives. At this point, after six months, it sounds like he is still torn between having an intimate relationship and keeping you at arm’s length to pacify what he perceives could be family backlash. (eg: race issues, his Mother's behaviours and so on) He’s integrated just enough to keep you around and hopeful. But who knows the real reasons for keeping you at a distance? What you know for sure is that he’s coming up with excuses and ignoring your request for meeting his family. So take action but don't make idle threats. They won't work. Instead, talk with him honestly about the integrated life, that you want and expect with him, and outline clearly what that looks like to you. It might be he's planning to invite you to meet his parents sometime in the next few months. Who knows? But find this out. Be as specific as possible. At this point, you want to avoid a purely insincere talk and have nothing happen...so ask him for a deadline. Be strong..you know what you want. You don’t want to waste more time if you can’t find solid middle ground between the two lives you’re leading (his and yours). If he agrees to work through the issues that keep him from sharing his life more fully with you, make it clear that actions speak louder than words. If he doesn't want to make this commitment, you may have to rethink this relationship because you're not getting the respect you deserve.
One of the most exciting times in your life is when you fall in love. And sharing that news with friends and family is one of the best parts finding someone you care deeply for. Friends and family usually want to share your joy. If your boyfriend hasn't introduced you to his relatives, you have every reason to be concerned. You don't want to have a committed relationship with a man who keeps you a secret.You want a man who's proud to introduce you to everyone as his lady love. Hang in there and be strong. Good Luck!
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reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (5 October 2005):
NO its not because you are BLACK!
It seems you have so many insecurities anout yourself.
He probably is just embarrassed or as he hates his mum and his mum hates him he probably just protecting you and not bringing you into a potential argument?
Anyway (excuse the french) FUCK the PARENTS I know it means alot and would stop your insecurities BUT what matters is that you BOTH LOVE EACH OTHER - The parents bit isn't an issue until you decide that you want to marry.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (5 October 2005):
 It's not necessarily about race. He might be embarrassed that his own family are less-than-perfect and he doesn't want to introduce you because he's ashamed of *them*. Maybe his family live in a rubbish-filled caravan, with chickens roosting on the dining room table. (Just kidding, but you see what I mean.)
I know it's an automatic reaction to think that he's not proud of you, but try to give him the benefit of the doubt, until you have more to go on.
I suggest that you speak to him about the way that his avoidance of this issue makes you feel worried and sad. Tell him that you feel like your relationship with him isn't complete because you haven't had the chance to get the approval of his family, too. Reassure him that you'll do your best to love his family, just as you love him.
Try to be flexible about your requirement of meeting them. Maybe there's some middle ground that doesn't involve an uncomfortable 'You and Them' meeting at their home or yours. Maybe you could arrange an outing where you can meet together, something like a picnic or a shopping expedition. My point is, try to arrange a way to meet his family that can be both brief and friendly.
If he really won't budge on this issue, and he won't fix a date to do it (after you've explained how important this is to you) and if he's continually using tears to coax you back, then maybe it is about race, after all. That will certainly be a show-stopper for you.
But more than that, it's a problem because it would mean you're involved with a man whose promise doesn't mean anything, and who will resort to manipulating and guilt-tripping you to get out of difficulty. These are not characteristics that you want in a long-term relationship.
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