A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello, This may be a long post but please stick with it as I am at my wits end and don't know what to do anymore.How do you know if he is over his ex-girlfriend?I was married for 15yrs to a man who was picture perfect to the outsider. However we weren’t compatible at all. I met someone who was married. We fell in love, made plans for the future together. Our children met each other, we told each others families and did what I consider to be the honourable thing. Though I am sure there are those who will say that the fact I met someone else whilst married wasn’t honourable at all. Maybe they are right. Though I still maintain that I did the right thing. However two hours before he was due to come to me and move in, he changed his mind and said he couldn’t leave his 2 girls. To say it was a traumatic time would be an understatement. So many people hurt for nothing. However I was so in love and thought I had found my soulmate. My husband and I separated and I continued to see Dave (not real name)for the next 18months. As time went by I began dating again. To be honest I enjoyed being single or so I thought. I had my own house, cars, motorbikes, a fantastic job. I was at the gym everyday and was enjoying life. Dave was still in my life but the dates were getting more and more infrequent. It was after 18mths that I met Paul. Upon first meeting him I was hooked. He wasn’t the type of man I usually go for but there was something about him that made me want to see him again and again. To cut a long story short we moved in together after a couple of months. It is here where I need your help, advice, opinion, anything because it is tearing me apart. In the first few weeks of being with Paul he told me that his ex-gf of 4 years had broken his heart. She was 14years younger than he was and it was (and still is) evidently the love of his life. She was the bosses daughter of the company he works for and many wondered how they got together. They bought a house together (the one I live in now) and she joined the Police force. It was here where their troubles began according to Paul. She didn’t want to be at home with him. Would often go out without him and to parties where he wasn’t invited. He was told that he couldn’t go to her passing out parade as she only had two tickets for her parents to attend. (Personally alarm bells would have been ringing for me at this point but hey, everyone is different.) Again to cut a long story short they separated in December of 2004. She was removed from the mortgage and he continued to live in the house by himself. Paul then commenced on a long session of alcohol fuelled weekends where he would end up in bed with Emma (not real name) every Saturday night. This went on for two months. She by this time had decided that it was a relationship and fell in love with him. He on the other hand was not interested in her in this way. Please note that I know all this in detail because he has told me. Then there was Susan (not real name) They were friends and did lots together. Spending many weekends together just as friends. He had no clue she had fallen in love with him until he invited her as his guest to a friends wedding. He booked a double room and yes you have guessed it. They ended up having sex, twice. He has told me that he knew it was a mistake immediately the morning after and told her so. However she the night before had declared undying love for him and promised to be whatever he wanted her to be. He told her that he just wanted her as a friend. To this day he still maintains contact with these two women he slept with but didn’t want as anything other than friends. He told me that Emma had said they would always be “best friends forever” He has told “Emma” that I am jealous of their friendship. Yet doesn’t get the fact that the only reason it upsets me is because I sleep in the same bed that he shared with K his ex-gf and Emma. They both know exactly what they are doing as they text him at strange times with sometimes nothing other than a joke. But enough to maintain contact. Does that make sense? At the beginning I tried to tell him that it hurt. I tried to tell him that I found it inappropriate to discuss me with these women. His stock answer would always be. “I am entitled to female friends. If I wanted to be with them I would. But I am with you.” I have never been able to make him understand how insecure it has made me feel. Paul works away a couple of nights a week and at the beginning of our relationship he would spend hours on the phone with these two women. I would get (and pay) his mobile phone bill seeing the amount of time he spent on the phone with them. But. As time has gone by the communication is getting less. I know he is deleting his received calls on his phone which to me speaks volumes. He says that I don’t trust him. Hmmm. Obviously not. It isn’t so much the action as the behaviour that hurt the most with this. They have telephoned while we are at home and Emma couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to talk to her on a night out where had I come out of the ladies a couple of minutes earlier I would have seen her attempting to play tonsil hockey with him. Yet that night he took her side stating that I was rude and discourteous. (The fact that I merely said I have nothing to say and walk away. No scene, no shouting. Nothing) Am I dealing with this better? I am not sure as the real problem didn’t start until late November 2006. Paul was diagnosed as being clinically depressed by the doctor. Paul has always had a temper. Before he was diagnosed it was not pleasant. He would snap really quickly for the smallest reason. Many a time I could be found crying whilst looking on the internet for replacement items I had broken through nerves. It got to the point where I insisted that he visited his doctor. She immediately put him on anti-depressants. When in the doctors she asked what he felt had contributed to and triggered his breakdown. He said that it was family issues (his ex – partner and daughters and relationship breakup with K) That was ten months ago. The doctor has doubled his dosage of medication and he seems fine. He has told me that he doesn’t know what he would do if he saw K with a new man. What he won’t accept is that everyone knows she was unfaithful to him. To him they just wanted different things. Yet we know she is now engaged to one of the fellow police officers she slept with before she left Paul. He told me that the happiest time in his life was with her. He has told me about the many positions he and K tried in bed together (the bed that I sleep in but he maintains that we can’t get rid of it for financial reasons.) Yet since going on the medication the physical side of our relationship has gone to zero. I have given up even attempting to try anything sexual for fear of yet another rejection
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depressed, engaged, ex girlfriend, fell in love, his ex, insecure, jealous, moved in, soulmate, text, the internet, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): Well .. I Think that he is a player.. he has two many women .. tell him to stop contact with these women.. they are making your life hell.. and if he loved you then he would do that for you!
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