| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: This guy and I have been great "friends" for awhile now, and have already both expressed our strong emotional and physical attraction for the other. He lives in a country I used to live in and moved from, but visited again a few weeks ago, where we met. Before we had, he emailed me to let me know that even though he was really excited to see me, he was slightly scared of what could happen between us. See, about a year ago his gf who he had a long distance with cheated on him with his friend. The relationship was already deteriorating beforehand. He said she was changing into somebody else, and he didn't like it, but I know he's now over her as he's dated other girls since and they're now just friends. Though they don't really talk much, because it sounds like to me, he still holds a grudge against her. But anyways... he told me that he really does have strong feelings for me. I've shared a lot of the worst times of my life with him and vice versa, so we have a great bond like that...and that he really wants me be to his girlfriend and to have a serious relationship with me, but he's scared he'll hurt me because of his insecurities as a result of the last relationship. He's afraid to start another serious relationship because he's scared that something similar would happen again or that he wouldn't be able to trust me because he'd constantly be wondering what I'm doing, even though I'm nothing like his ex at all, and he knows that. Basically, he's afraid the past will repeat itself. It's weird because before he told me all this, he was so happy I liked him back...he was the one who said I really want to seriously date you and I want you to be my girlfriend...then all of a sudden, he sends me that email. We did meet afterwards, and it was just... wonderful. The second time we met, I asked him after why he didn't kiss me as we were both about to and again he mentioned his fears. I don't know what to do about him. I truly have strong feelings for him and he obviously does for me too, but I respect him and want to give him the time to grow, while supporting him...but at the same time...something's telling me that maybe that's not the best thing to do, in this situation because I feel like he's just tormenting himself by saying no to us. I don't understand why he can't give us a try...we can work through his insecurities together, can't we? Or am I just being too hopeful? So basically what I'm asking is... What should I do? Confront him, or just let him be?
View related questions:
his ex, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2005): I think you should give this guy time and not expect too much from him at this point. He needs more time to move through those feelings of hurt he experienced with his prior relationship and he needs reach a resolution. The best you can do-is continue being a good supportive friend.
Eventually, with the passage of time and some emotional work, he will come to peace with the past and be ready to move on. He's being cautious and likely does not want to hurt you. He's playing it smart. Unfortunately, many people skip a great deal of the much needed healing process and when they hurt, they want to feel better, so they rush out and get into new relationships too quickly, not realizing that the emotional baggage of the past cannot be so easily avoided. He's not doing this.
He's trying to allow sufficient time after the breakup of the old relationship in order to heal and put things back in perspective. This also giving him time to get clear about what he wants in the future As his friend, he has openly discussed it with you, asking for your support and understanding. Just be patient and keep offering your support and caring. Be patient and give him time. Good luck, dear and take care.
Hugs, Irish
A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (21 August 2005):
 Uncertainty, fear, insecurities...all these play a role in deciding if people want to start a relationship and we really should not cst them away and ask why. Thing is we never know how hurt a person was when they went through what they went through, everyone's tolerance level is different. sure you guys like each other alot and there is chemistry there and all...but understand his fears for a bit. If he was really hurt...this is a big step for him. Let him know you understand and that you are willing to take it slow. Reassure him ..don't promise him ...that you are trustworthy. Let him know you are there for him and love him alot. But most importantly...take it light for now. Whatever happens during that time...happens..dont' rush anything.
...............................
|
