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female
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anonymous
writes: I went out with a guy for about a year, things got rocky after the first six months -- he was really mad at me and hurt by something I did, and though I apologized, I couldn't make things better. So I understand that. After several months of rockiness -- when we'd been dating close to a year, pretty seriously -- he broke up with me. It was just too hard. But then we continued to see each other every day, b/c we had classes together and couldn't avoid it. There was a lot of back-and-forth about getting back together, but it never lasted. Finally, after about 2 months of the drama, I told him I was cutting all connections, b/c we obviously weren't capable of being "just friends" while we still had feelings for each other, and that was it -- I didn't talk to him at all for 2-3 weeks. At the end of it, he got really upset about it, called, and told me how ridiculous and mean he thought it was that I'd see him and not even speak to him after everything we'd had. And he told me how he still loved me, etc., and wanted to be with me but was afraid of things not being good, and eventually we agreed that we wouldn't officially "get back together", but we wouldn't see other people and we'd try to work things out. That was four months ago. Things have been going really well lately -- I feel really in love most of the time, and it seems like some of the things that were always issues between us have been getting closer to being resolved. We've been seeing a lot of each other and enjoying that time together, and we've even gone on a few "dates" -- out to events and such, with friends, as a couple. It's been nice.The problem is that he still won't tell me we're officially "back together." For all practical purposes we are, since he acts like my boyfriend and neither of us sees anyone else and I normally refer to him as my boyfriend. But I feel weird about it. Our friends will always ask ME whether we're back together, and I hate being put in the awkward position of having to define our relationship. I've explained this to my guy and asked him what he wants me to say, and he says it doesn't really matter - he doesn't really care what I tell them.I've asked him several times, point-blank, whether he considers me his girlfriend and whether he thinks of us as "back together," and he's never given me a straight answer. I feel like, if he wanted to be with me, he wouldn't have any problem telling me that, and he'd have done so already. Instead, he's made a point of avoiding the subject, so he's never said he DOESN'T think of me that way, but he's also never said he DOES.The other relevant point is that he does tell me he loves me, and I believe him on this. He can be maddening, but he is not a liar. And he tells me he needs me, and I believe that, too. Am I crazy for getting so worked up about a label? I'm at a point where I'm seriously considering just ending things completely, to go find a guy who will be happy to call me his girlfriend. Am I throwing something away without giving it a chance to see if it recovers?
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female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (26 July 2006):
 There is nothing to recover for you have nothing. You don't have a boyfriend, you don't have a relationship, and you seem to be questioning your own intuition which is a very scary path to walk.
For the sake of your sanity call him up and tell him this thing what ever he wants to call it is over. Then have a good cry, call up a girl friend, eat ice cream, watch chick flicks, or whatever you need to get you through this.
Then if he comes back, as he says 'he needs you' then it will be on your terms. Then this relationship might have a chance. If he doesn't come back then I guess he did lie to you and you are a lot better off without him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2006): He'a got commitment issues. I don't doubt that he loves you. He gets so close to you, feels he's getting intimate, feels vulnerable and then backs off. I suppose he's scared of getting hurt.... patience is needed. But when a guy has problems like this it's not uncommon for him to go out with other girls (two timing & cheating)..be prepared for a rocky ride. Do you have the strength to ride this rollercoaser? or move on and find a guy who will give you 100%? best of luck.
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