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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend's best friend told him I was too controlling when I told him he shouldn't be going anywhere two days after having surgery. He says he defended me, but I can't help but think that his friends will convince him that I'm too controlling, when its really the friend (along with two of his ex-girlfriends!) that are trying to control him. I don't want to lose this relationship but I fear it may be inevitable. I can't stand to date a man who has friends who hate me when I've done nothing wrong. Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2006): This is the original poster of the question. I appreciate you taking the time to answer, and I suppose I should have explained a bit more in depth. We've been together for less than two months, but the relationship progressed very quickly. We've both very affectionate and open people, and he told me he loved me within the first two weeks. Not to mention the day I spent with him at the hospital before and after the emergency surgery.
His friends where there (to visit him after he got home from surgery) when I made the comment, to the effect of..."you're not going anywhere tomorrow..." It wasn't an order, it was more like I was in disbelief that he was considering it. The male friend told me right to my face that I was too controlling...not his mother...should let him make his own decisions, etc. I just let it go. Then I heard from my boyfriend that the male friend made another comment about me after I left. He told me that he and his female friend defended me, saying I was only concerned for his health (which I was!).
Right after I heard about this, I got very upset with him and told him exactly how it made me feel. This is an ongoing problem involving the male friend (who now thinks I'm too controlling), who just happens to be dating my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend (who also apparently hates me). My boyfriend claims he will not let himself be influenced by what his friends say, but I know what its like for a guy when his friends think his girlfriend is a bitch. They're the ones who are trying to control him, buy driving us apart.
I did nothing to deserve this crap, and I've told my boyfriend I won't take it. Even so, I feel bad because he did just have surgery. My mom thinks he's immature and I should break it off. (Yes, I'm in my mid twenties and I still get advice from mom). The problem is, I love him deeply and I know he loves me. I'm not going to put up with this friend/ex-girlfriend situation anymore, but I don't know what to do about it, and I don't want to lose him!
A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (25 July 2006):
 Hi there,
I know that you want to have a good relationship with your boyfriend's pals and it is upsetting to know that you find this difficult. I would have loved to know how long you two have been on.
what i would do if i am in your situation is try to seperate your relationship with your boyfriend and their friendship altogether. They arent suppose to be an advisory on the relationship between you and your boyfriend. It isnt their business whether you are controlling or not, that should be between both of you to decide and perhaps work on. Any decisions carried on in your relationship or any dispute should be between the two of you. You guys should work on it by yourselves unless you need outside help and it will be your choice to ask help from anyone you think can be fair and unbaised to assist.
I would also advise you to talk to your boyfriend.Any decision in the relationship whether him or you make should be taken as both your decisions if the two of you finally agreed to go ahead. In other words he could have said that both of you decided that it was too early to stress himself after the surgery.
Also your boyfriend seems like a nice guy for putting them in their place and taking your sides. If you can try to talk to him so that he should not say anything about you guys relationship that will warrant his friends interferances.Make him realise that you want to seperate your relationship with him and their friendship.Dont criticise his friends and make him understand that you want to get along with them and you feel that if they get involved in your relationship that wont happen.
Finally and most importantly try to be their friends perhaps with time they will realise they were wrong about you.
Take care and goodluck.
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