A
female
age
51-59,
*ellbottom
writes:Oh goodness me! I really hope someone is listening out there!!I've been seeing a man for 6 months and I'm getting concerned that he may be gay.He has a premature ejaculation problem - he can only be inside me for less than a minute before he comes. At first I thought this was the only obstacle in our sex life, but I became very uneasy and upset by it so told him I thought we should end things.We didn't end it - I kept wanting to see him. He's such a charismatic and fun guy - I'm now kind of addicted to that and have over time become more and more attracted to him and fallen in love.But in the last few months I'm frustrated that we never have sex - I mean hardly ever. I do my very best to be with him at key times and moments when I think we have a chance to make it happen. But he doesn't show any interest or he shuts me out. He tells me that I knocked his confidence at the start when I said I couldn't cope with his sexual problem. But I'm starting to feel its all a cover-up. I sensed from the start that kissing me is not something that he really gets into. Its very rushed and he doesn't get into having a long kissing session or anything, which I find wierd. Sex at the start was mostly anal. That stopped - I don't know why as I didn't complain. The times he has gone down on me my gut feeling is he's not really getting into it and enjoying it. I'm used to a lot of passion in my life in the past and am a very sexual creature. There seems little excitement from him. He has tried to make me come with his hand and he does it quite well but I feel it's so predictable as there's never any regular intercourse and I also feel under pressure that way to come, so I never come. He says he's feelig helpless because he cant make me come. I told him it's because I feel under pressure because we have sex almost never. I feel if you have sex more often together then you can take the highs with the lows. But if it;s a rare occasion it makes you feel you have to get it perfectly right.My gut feeling is always telling me theres something not quite right. Things are not adding up. I'm an attractive woman of 39 but look much younger and there are often men flirting with me. I'm not used to being shut out on a physical level and I'm tired of waiting for passion that never comes. I've convinced myself he is gay. Does anyone have any experience with this or advice? Perhaps advice from a gay person would also help me to see things from a realistic perspective.Thankyou!
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confidence, ejaculation, flirt, kissing, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (3 October 2010):
 He kind of sounds like he might have OCD. Maybe the PE thing is because he hates mess and wants to get it all over and done with as quickly as possible.
A
female
reader, bellbottom +, writes (2 October 2010):
bellbottom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou everyone for your answers. It could indeed be very true that I have totally knocked his confidence. Its hard for me to work out reality from fantasy anymore. My gut feeling about him being gay became too strong now!
What I didn't mention in my first message is that I did ask him what he would do about his problem in the beginnning and have had no feedback from him. He says he had it since he was very young. The doctor tells him he must be deficient in seratonin. Neither he or I think drug therapy a good idea. I suggested to him many alternatives - he still hasn't shown any sign of trying to resolve it. The doctor recommended sex therapist to him, he hasn't followed up on it. I also told him I'd go with him and work through it together if he thought it would help. He doesn't respond to that.
So, all in all, I find it strange that a woman he was in love with for 2 years is almost begging him to find a way to make love and I also told him I wanted to do it as often as possible and I don't mind if I don't come, I just want to practice. But he still makes excuses. I cant see why he wouldn't want to sort out his problem. He can't expect me to just accept it without him at least trying to resolve it, surely?
IN answer to your question nathan, I get massive satisfaction from pleasing him. It turns me on greatly. I've expored his body in very intimate ways and made him come every time. He has wondered why I'm so happy to do that and not expect anything back. I just love it and it makes me feel great. I don't expect that to be the end of our sex life though. I do want him to take the plunge with me too on other occasions, not to necessarily do so on the same occasion, thats not what sex is about for me. He seems to love what I do and I asked him if he did and he said yes. But he has his eyes closed. So I wonder why he can't enjoy me in the same way. When he goes down on me or uses his hand he makes me feel like he's only doing it to make me come, but not actually enjoying the rest - the bodily fluids etc. One time he got a towel and put it under me! He also has a strange inability to be close to me if I have the slightest bit of stubble on my legs from not shaving for a day! He asks me to remove my leg from his! And he's very anal about having a shower before me have sex. It's all so set-up, no raw passion. Never any moment of surprise. And all these things dont exactly make me feel like he gets a buzz out of me as a woman. He's from morocco originally, not that that has to make a difference, but maybe it's significant in some way? Not sure.
I feel knocked back since the start, and not just since I told him I wasn't sure if I could deal with his problem. I feel he's now just using that as an excuse. There is for sure something that doesn't add up. What else can I do?
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (2 October 2010):
PE doesn't necessarily mean he's gay and he very well could be stressed out from your feelings about it at the start. Honestly I think he would benefit from some sex therapy.
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