A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have a girlfriend with a mental illnes and a drug problem. she has left me 5 times over crap and every time her sisters convinced her to either take out a restraining order on me or order of protection or call the cops. Her sister didnt grow up with her and really wants her down there with her and will do anything to seperate us. well you have to understand my girlfriends mental illness. she cannot think for herself. if someone is putting a bug in her ear she starts beleiving it. its so bad that when she leaves her sister even breaks all contact with her and tells her not to talk to anyone and she doesnt. she doesnt let her talk to me or anyone else and stands over the phone when she does controlling the situation. i know my girlfriend gets scared after her sister puts fear into her and she does want to talk to me after a while but cant. i dont know what to do. i love her so much and know this will be a rollercoaster the rest of my life. but who else will really care for her. besides my son not being safe i want her to be safe to. i hired a lawyer for custody court but i still want her back. i want her to come back but not to be able to leave with my son whenever someone tells her its not right Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): OP there is far more to this than meets the eye and I bet if her sister posted her side of things she'd have a very good sounding argument too.
Look first off I want to tell you that in circumstances of actual mental illness that this site is simply not equipped to handle things like that. We're not professionals and that's the kind of advice you really need. You need professional help for this one because it's too serious and involves a delicate women with some serious issues. So take everything you read here with a pinch of salt and not as a guide, you need to real help for this, especially seeing as I have a feeling you've come here looking for people to validate your position as a "white knight".
Look OP you're not going to like what I say, so if you're easily offended then stop reading now.
First off I really suspect your reasoning here. You may be willing to live a life playing father, counsellor, lover and hero to a mentally ill drug addict but frankly your son needs stability. Forgive me but love and hope is not enough of a reason to have him grow up in an environment of having his mother go off the rails all the time and up and leaving "over crap" any time she feels like it. If I were in your position he'd come first and my main aim in life would be to give him a solid, healthy home, one with very little disruption with a solid routine and stability. Until she sorts herself out then you really can't provide that for him. You quite literally can't have her packing his bags every time you have "crap" and running away. You certainly can't have her up and leaving him refusing to talk to him for days and weeks on end, that's just cruel.
"besides my son not being safe" well what makes you think he will be safe in a house living with a mentally addicted drug addict in any circumstance? I don't mean she would ever do anything to harm him in any way directly but how do you expect to win custody of your son when your argument is ruined by the fact you see it as perfectly acceptable for him to live with her but only under your supervision? Well if it's okay for him to live with her with you then her lawyer can counter that he can live her and her sister, your logic then is illogical. You also stand to lose this battle because she hasn't gotten over her addiction or gotten any better while with you, so the idea that you can take care of her is not on the cards either. Her sister has far better leverage than you and you're ruining your own chances here by maintaining this tug of war. If you look like you're acting just as controlling to me, an internet stranger, then a lawyer will cream you for custody because you have no logic nor evidence to prove how you can better for her and your child because your reasons for wanting to win her back are not based on what's best for her it's based on you wanting her and not willing to let her go. Because you know what, whatever you've been doing hasn't worked and you're not willing to let her sister try.
Have you even considered for a moment that it may be better if she stayed with family for awhile? That perhaps you're an enabler or perhaps you're not as good for her as you think you are.
You say her illness makes her very easily led, I'm sorry but what makes you think you'll be a better leader? What I see from the outside is two people, you and her sister both wanting to control her. Well sorry OP but I find it hard to see how you're any different to the sister. In fact her sister may be a good solution to this because you haven't helped her get over her drug addiction, she's left you 5 times. How you think you can obtain custody when you're not willing to let her go is beyond me.
OP they have some serious misgivings here, and while I don't need to hear their side I find it exceptionally hard to fathom why people would give as nice a guy as you say you are restraining orders, why they would fight so hard to remove you from her life if you truly were good for her. You may not be a bad person but something is extremely wrong with your relationship to her and the fact you either can't see that or think that it's the sisters fault is not a good sign.
Think I'm being harsh, then wait until see what the lawyers and judge do in court.
The best possible solution for you and your son is for you to let go of her. At least give her family space and time to try and help her. You see I'm very, very suspicious of your intentions because quite frankly if you loved her you would be willing to do anything to help her but you don't want that, you, for some crazy reason, think you're the only person in the world that can do that, so you're not giving anyone else a chance. In fact you actively attack her sister for trying.
You need to do some real soul searching here OP. You need to sit down and you need to devise the best way of being a father. Nothing else, do not factor her into your thoughts, do not let love for her cloud your judgement, you need to figure out what's best for your son. When it comes to caring for the mentally ill, family will always win any battle.
"know this will be a rollercoaster the rest of my life"
Yeah well you may condemn yourself to a life of very high ups and very low downs but what about your sons life then? If you want custody you're going to have to do a lot better than that to prove you can provide a safe, loving environment.
If I were you I'd let the mother go. Her family have a far better chance of helping her than you do. You can also argue that you can provide far better stability and care for your son and will provide regular supervised visits for her. If you're going to play the mental illness, drug addict card in the custody battle then you will have to show that he won't be exposed to any of that while with you and that simply cannot be the case if she's living with you.
Good luck OP, remember he's all that matters, it's not your job to care for her or to fix because you can't and in fact you may only be making it worse for her.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (15 May 2012):
 Hi,
May I ask you why your girlfriend sister doesn't like you and doens't want both of you to be together? It's hard to give you a straight answer, but the only thing I can suggest, if possible is to talk to your girlfriends sister. The sister is the main problem, and the only way to solve the problem is talking directly to her. See, if you don't talk to her, it won't solve anything and just make matters worst, specially when your girlfriend cannot make decisions on her own. If you truly love your girlfriend you have to talk to the sister. I know you love your girlfriend, but right now you are hurting her emotionally. Poor thing, must be so difficult to be in this situation? Do the right thing... Have a honest, mature talk and hopefully all of you can get alone....
Best wishes and good luck!
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