A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I never thought I would be writing to DearCupid about this kind of question. Usually when I see questions about facebook, my advice is to just get over it because it's just facebook. Relationsips shouldn't be based on what he/she liked on someone else status.But this problem here isn't what she said or liked or favorited. It's the fact that she didn't even want me to know hers. I'm not the kind of person who visits facebook alot. Infact, I probably log on once every 4-6 months. I always have to request a password by email because it's just been so long since I've last used it. I always knew she (my girlfriend) had a facebook. She probably uses it everyday. It never crossed my mind to add her as a friend because I simply don't go on. Only until last night, I found it usefull. My phone service has been cut due to non payment. I don't get paid until next week so turning it back on any sooner is a no-go. My girlfriend has a whole bunch of job interviews lined up for the next few days and she has to count on me to get her there. Since I knew I won't be able to call her or vice/versa, I decided the next best thing would be facebook. Since she's always on her phone and I'm next to my laptop, whenever she needed me, all she had to do was send a message and I would get it right away. What surprised me was how she rejected my proposal. She absolutely didn't want to exchange account names. She thought of everything else instead of doing what I suggested. She asked "Can't you just use a friend's phone?" also "What about a pay phone or a family's cell?" I replied that I could do that if I wanted to call her but how about if she wanted to reach me? She finally gave up and said she would message me on facebook.It's been over twelve hours and she still hasn't. She doesn't sleep overnight and I don't either (I work the graveyard shift). My question is, do you think she's hiding something? She seemed very against the idea of me knowing her facebook account and she still hasn't sent a message. Her actions are beginning to make me doubt her sincerity in this relationship. How should I proceed with this if she still hasn't sent the message?Also I know it's a bit ridiculous to think of this but I'm worried that she might just create a new account used only for messaging me. Doing so will definitely set off alarms in my head that she's hiding something from me. This whole situation has me paranoid. I always trusted her before this but after how reluctant she was to let me know her facebook, I just feel like she's hiding something.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 March 2013):
 "Chigirl, if she wasn't hiding anything, why ANY reluctance at all? "
I explained why to you, in depth. Read my answer again, but in short: one reason may be that she doesn't want to include you in every part of her life. She wants something of her own where you're not bugging in on her. Not because she has anything to hide, but because people have a need for "me time" and a "my space", and not everything needs to be "couples time" or "common space". Just like in a big family, you would like to have your own room and not always share everything with your siblings. Not because you have anything to hide, but because it's a breath of fresh air to have something of your own.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): "Perhaps they are quite a bit older, and don't understand social media.."
Just because we're not paranoid doesn't mean we don't get social media, I wrote a paper on Identity as a Construct on Facebook, using various critical theory and works from Lacan, Freud, Marx, Horkheimer and Adorno to study in depth, with a whole host of empirical data, statistical analysis and a number of case studies into how people use Facebook and how they use it to construct a certain public persona.
No one said she's not hiding anything, we're just saying it could be nothing.
There's no need to assume the worst case scenario in everything, only people who are insecure or have trust issues do such things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIamheretohelpyou, It's not about how other couples do it, it's about how conveniant it is for us to use facebook instead. I live by myself so I have no family members to ask a phone of. I go to work and I am reluctant to constantly ask a coleague to borrow his phone so that I can contact my gf. Also, how is SHE supposed to get to me with that method?I'll have to agree with anon. Facebook, email, instagram, these are all ways that she can get to me, so why is she not accepting the facebook method? Chigirl, if she wasn't hiding anything, why ANY reluctance at all? She knows I'm not the kind of guy who trolls facebook. So why would she feel the need to keep a place for herself when she knows that I'm only using it to make sure SHE gets what she needs. Cerberus, I did try putting in her name but it came up with nothing. Maybe she's under an alias? Anyways, I've decided not to look into it anymore. It's HER interviwes that's on the line so if she still doesn't want to contact me then it's her problem.I also tried contacting her today but she didn't pick up but I'm done analizing the situation. CindyCares, you are right, when I do get in contact with her, I will ask her directly about it.Thank you guys for your advise.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 March 2013):
 Not really, anonymous. Chigirl is in her twenties, IAmHereToHelp you is a teenager ,and old Cerberus is 30something.
I'd confirm your theory, because I amolder and don't " get " social media, but for various reason I am always around young people, and I can tell you, not all of them , in fact not many , feel the need or the wish for instant , constant, 360 degree connection.
So, another vote for : a bit curious but not necessarily indicating " up to no good ". There may be various - and innocuous - reasons for her not wanting you on FB, -my vote goes to the one mentioned by Chigirl- she wants to keep some space all of her own , for some people it's a psychological necessity.
Why don't you just ask HER the reasons of this reluctance and see what she says ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): I think she is definitely hiding something, no doubt about it. It's actually so obvious, that I can't understand how the other aunts/uncles are telling you that you're overreacting... Perhaps they are quite a bit older, and don't understand social media..
You are her boyfriend. So her not wanting to add you, or for you to even know her account name is very suspicious.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 March 2013):
You've got no reason to suspect she's two-timing you. All you are concerned about now is her not wanting you on facebook. There's nothing else to incline she's hiding anything.
What could she possibly be hiding on facebook? Everyone else she's got on facebook would know, just as much as you, so nothing can be of secret, unless she sends private messages, which can be sent without your knowledge even if you were a friend on facebook. And, besides, she could be calling/texting/e-mailing and you wouldn't know anyway.
So what can she possibly achieve by not having you on facebook? Well.. probably nothing at all. But you haven't been on facebook much, and neither of you have seen the point in it previously. And so, she's probably gotten used to not having you there and facbook being her "scene", her place to go to. Her spot to roam around, without you.
Not because she has anything to hide, but because she's gotten comfortable with it being a place for her to go without you being included. Everyone enjoys their own "place" or activity where they are without their partner. I go on dearcupid, and I wouldn't necessarily be overly enjoyed if my boyfriend wanted to go here too. Not that I have anything to hide, but it's sort of "my" place.
I'll give you another example. I had a boyfriend once who never went out clubbing, didn't enjoy it, and didn't want to go with me. At first I thought it was a bummer that he didn't want to join me, but then I got used to going out on my own. I got into my own routine, found people I liked to go dancing with, and it was "my" scene. Then one day my boyfriend wanted to join me. I was disappointed, and it ruined my entire evening. I couldn't do any of the things in my routine, and as he wasn't really a party person he just brought me down and it was a boring night out.
Now, had I been used to bringing him along it'd be different. My next boyfriend loved going out just as much as I did, and we always went out together and had a ball. So it wasn't about me hiding anything, or me not wanting a boyfriend with me when out on town. I just wasn't used to it, I had gotten into my own routine, and it was "my thing". I felt he invaded "my space" when he suddenly wanted to join me.
So I have a feeling, your girlfriend doesn't want to hide anything. But by now, facebook has become "her space" and she doesn't want to include you in it because she's not used to having you there.
It's not really so important for you to be there on facebook with her, so you shouldn't get upset about this. If it was important for you you'd be on facebook with her already, but you haven't taken an interest in it. So it's not that big of a deal to you, don't make it into a big deal now all of a sudden. You just want to be connected for practical reasons. Assure her of that, and tell her if she wants to you can end the facebook-friendship once your phone is working again. And don't take it to heart, and don't sulk about it. If you show her you don't care then she'll be more than happy to include you in things later on. Just give her a little time to adjust to the idea and don't force her into accepting you on facebook if she really doesn't want to.
You wouldn't like it if she started tagging along to every meeting you have with your guy-friends. This is similar to her. Facebook is now her place for her and her friends... and you're intruding. But she'll get over it and include you, just back off a little and give her time to adjust to the idea of having you there.
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (9 March 2013):
 I personally fail to understand her reluctance unless it's something to do with sporting a different persona online, possibly a flirtatious one. Some people like attention on the internet and hate revealing that they're not single. That seems the only logical explanation why a girl wouldn't want to add her boyfriend on Facebook.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (9 March 2013):
 She probably wonders why you have this big interest in facebook all of a sudden if you normally hardly ever use it. if I was her i'd be thinking if I message him on there he probably won't pick it up for months! Are you assuming she is married or something and this is how you will find out? I doubt it! but let us know if that is the case...
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 March 2013):
 I agree that she's not neccesarily up to no good. She may not be ready yet, or she may concerned that you might be one of those overly sensitive types when you do finally see her friends list. As you've pointed out, it wouldn't be the first time Facebook has triggered issues.
Instead of worrying about her being able to contact you, let HER worry about that. If she needs you to give her a ride that badly, and she doesn't want to add you to Facebook, she can either come up with an idea on how to contact you or she can arrange alternative transportation. No fuss no muss.
If everything else was fine, I would let this ride for the time being. Don't make an issue of it, let her worry about contacting you and see what happens. The more suspicious and insistent you are, the more guarded she is going to be. And for all we know, it might be something very minor and silly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, iamheretohelpyou, yes, twleve hours is alot when she said she'll send me a message after she hangs up. How can she forget when it's the only way we can communicate? And it's extremely important for her to get to her interviews.
I told her that since she's always on her phone and I'm always near my laptop, if she sends me a message then I will be able to get it right away. Also, you seem to miss the entire point of the question. It wasn't about her waiting twelve hours before sending a message. It was about her RELUCTANCE to even give me her facebook in the first place. In the end, she still didn't give it. She asked for mines instead. So obviously I can't send her a message even if I wanted to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2013): It depends how long you've been together. Most people will add on Facebook as the very first thing they do. I have people add me on facebook in nightclubs from their phone and stuff (which is a lot of hassle really as I have no intention of upholding my drunken promises haha) but some people are cautious about it in the sense that it is giving you full access to their life story in an instant and for someone you're newly dating that can be stuff you want to let them know slowly as they get to know you.
Look there could be any reason for it and not necessarily the worst case scenario but she's definitely hiding something. Maybe it's some embarrassing drunken photos, maybe on Facebook she's a harmless flirter, maybe she's still "single" on it and likes having it that way, she may not like you seeing how often she's online, or maybe she just doesn't want you to have that kind of access to message her or something. There are lots of things it could be.
I just find it strange you don't know her name, sounds like you're not together very long.
OP just wait and see, it's only been 12 hours, if you're really curious then look at her profile through a mutual friends one, or ask a friend who is friends with her on it whether there is anything for you to worry about.
Look in your situation I wouldn't worry in the slightest. I'd be curious of course but not worried, you know it's only facebook man, people can be very odd about it, seems she's one of those people.
I'd reassure her that I'm not suddenly going to demand to change her relationship status, I'm not going to go through her entire timeline and read everything, just want to have it for messaging.
Just wait and see, maybe she's just untagging or deleting any "lying in a pool of her own vomit" or "touching some ripped black guys abs" pics, or maybe there's a specific guy who is very flirty on it and she wants to remove his comments in case you get the wrong idea.
What I'm saying is, don't be suspicious, be curious by all means but don't assume the worst case scenario here.
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