A
male
age
36-40,
*ookingforaway
writes:I've been with my current girlfriend for almost 3 years now. I know this is the girl I want to marry, but I'm also big on family, and her's has been giving me the cold shoulder. For some background: her family just consists of her, her parents and sister. No aunts, uncles, etc. They've isolated themselves for years now, and by them I mean her parents. In the beginning of our relationship he parents were friendly, we went out to dinner a few times, but after a while I noticed that they never invited me into their house. My girlfriend lives with them and explained that they are hoarders and are very peculiar/embarrassed/prideful about who enters the house. So after a while I got somewhat fed up and decided that if I was going to be with this girl I had to at least know how her family lived, so I went in one day. Yeah, exactly as she said, garbage and junk everywhere, nowhere to walk. Anyway, her sister saw and told her parents and now they have just cut off all communication. I got no christmas gift from them, while not a big deal materially, it was the message it sent. Her father hates me (exclaims it now) and the mother is an enabler and goes along with him. He is one way, his or the highway, and I'm not going along with it.Anyway, I figured I should sit down and talk with her father in a neutral place one night, but even if in the slight off chance he comes around I'm not sure I even want to be bothered with them anymore. They are hermits, and their daughter is nothing like them. But I don't know how I can be her husband and not be acknowledged by her parents. Some guys will joke that it's better that way, but that's not what I wanted for my own life. And I dont know what this means for things like family gatherings, grandkids etc... It depresses me that maybe one day she will have to pick a side, me or her parents, and there's no going back on ethier way. I need some advice!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): hoarders can be extremely insecure and very, very uptight about boundaries and who is allowed 'in'. I'd strongly suggest researching more just about this issue and the psychological state that incurs it, because it is as clear as day that the problem is theirs and the way they are treating you is deeply rooted to this problem, rather than really being about you as a person.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): People marry in spite of peculiarities found in the parental unit. Parents have to step aside once we are adults, and able to make decisions regarding our futures, chosen mates, and starting a family.
Dad's are supposed to be protective of their daughters.
It's in the rule book. You have to earn their blessing.
The problem is, some dad's are tools. They don't always have the last word, as they try to make others believe.
Once upon a time, your girlfriend's father was a stranger meeting her grandparents for the first time. They either liked him, or they didn't. Sometimes you have to accept the cards you're dealt. It's also a rule that the more you don't like your daughter's boyfriend, the more she will want to keep him. The closer you'll being them together.
You should make every effort you can to get along. You can't fix her dad, he's too old; and set in his ways.
Her mom may be of the old-school, only pretending he's the boss. She will have the final influence over his behavior; but in-front of outsiders, they stand as a team. As you will learn once you are in that position. She is also afraid you have branded her a terrible housekeeper and mom, and will tell your mother. Place yourself in their shoes.
It's not always his way or the highway. His daughter isn't going to marry the guy he chooses; but the man she loves.
He has bullied his family for years; and that's what they're accustomed to. Trust me, a different kind of male influence in the family would be refreshing for all of them. You only see the surface.
He's hateful; because he's ashamed and exposed. That's HIS problem. His brow-beaten wife is probably so glad you've discovered the real reason, she could probably explode; even if she is embarrassed by the mess. They may have their issues; but let them deal with that. They may come around once all the dust settles. Pardon the pun.
Allow them their privacy and dignity regardless of their eccentricities. Every family has their secrets and skeletons. Time may heal the wounds. If they liked you from the start, you know that it was this particular incident that changed that.
Otherwise; they have no true reason not to like you. There is still hope; but pride is a powerful emotion. Pride coupled with stubbornness might make your girlfriend's dad a tougher nut to crack. Her mother is going to side with her daughter when it comes down to her finding a suitable and loving husband. She's not going to stand in your way.
She couldn't if she tried; your girlfriend makes the final choice in the matter.
Don't totally conclude that their prideful reaction is truly how they feel about you.
Her family fears being judged; and even worse than that, being pitied or snubbed. Your reaction is exactly as they feared. Now they feel you'll judge them, be ashamed of them, and tell your family. They don't want to face the opinionated-looks, and dread the fact that they can't invite your family over for the reasons they didn't want to invite you. It is totally unrealistic on their part, to believe they can fend off visitors indefinitely.
Continue treating them with the respect you always have.
Just be yourself and be as stubborn about becoming a part of the family as you are. It will prove to them you can love their daughter, in spite of what they may think and how badly they are behaving. It's hard to hate someone who loves their daughter so much. Unless there are other reasons aside from your violating their privacy.
It's obviously a sore-subject; so don't approach it unless they bring it up first. You do owe them all an apology for violating their privacy, and that is the only thing you should mention. Not what you saw.
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