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anonymous
writes: Hi iv recently begun a relationship with a woman who has an 8 year old daughter...the daughter is not happy about this as she has had her mothers attention for the last 6 years with no other interferance from any one else...conciquently she (the daughter)comes between us all the time ...i.e.out walking and on the sofa..and she has said she is very unhappy and says she wishes she was dead and she tells her mom she doesnt feel loved even though we give her all the attention we can but still want our time together too..any surgestions Reply to this Question
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female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (19 March 2006):
 OK, well, I can assure you I didn't mean to be offensive. I was trying to make a practical suggestion, based on my own experience of dealing with my mother's boyfriends as a child. I felt very uncomfortable with any physical intimacy being shown between my mum and her boyfriend for a long time, which is why I made my suggestion. I wasn't trying to say you're lustful, which is obviously how it came across, and I'm quite upset about that. Other people read this site too, so even if what I've said is useless to you, maybe it could help someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthis is a note to missbunburyIt is very obvious to to me that the way you have put your response to this dilemma I have, is niether constructive or helpful..in actual fact i find it very offensive. As stated in my question and my response to Willywombat who has been very helpfull.. that i have put as much time and effort into giving this girl the love and affection this little girl has lost over the years. you seem to imply that my sole devotion has gone to the mother and i have done nothing more than want her sole attention. This is not so, as I know, although I do not have any children of my own, I do understand that this child should come first before any of my affections for her mother and I also know that her mother no matter what her feelings are to mine will stay loyal to her daughter even if that means sacifising her affections for me..that is why i am on this site to gain advice and NOT your personal feelings but your general advice..all i can do and have been doing is trying to gain the love and most of all respect from her daughter knowing that as i have stated SHE must come first or if i am not accepted by her, must walk away. But i must also say that at this point, it is a fine balancing act for myself between still bonding with her, the mother and gaining the respect from her the daughter. So please do not tar me with somone who has nothing between his ears other than lust for the mother...I KNOW THAT THIS CHILD SHOULD AND WILL COME first in this relationship or as i have stated i will walk away
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female
reader, missbunbury +, writes (18 March 2006):
You say "we give her all the attention we can but still want our time together too" - I'll be honest, at this point you may need to accept that this girl's feelings come before yours and your girlfriend's, however hard that may seem to deal with. I'm not saying you two can't be together, but it does sound as if the girl feels threatened by the way you express affection towards her mum, and I think it might help the situation if you toned things down a bit. When all three of you are together, I would suggest you should avoid being physical with mum in any way, so that this little girl sees that you two are good friends and get along well - she's probably freaked out by the idea of her mum being with someone because it's not something she's ever had to deal with before. I'd imagine that being confronted with physical proof of your relationship makes her feel uncomfortable, even if it is just a cuddle or hand-holding, because up until now this behaviour is something only she's had with her mum. Watching mum give the same affection to someone who's new in their lives may make her worry that you're going to take mum's attention away from her. This child needs reassurance, and whilst it may be hard for you to reign in your attentions, I honestly think it would be best to try this for a couple of months. You can have your affectionate time together once the girl's in bed. Please bear in mind that it's not always possible for a child to think about things in a rational way; they may have all sorts of silly ideas in their heads and sometimes you can't just talk them out of it, you have to show them the reality. If this little girl is concerned about losing her mum's affection, the very best way to show her the reality is to prove to her that that's not what you want - that you want to be in their lives anyway, regardless of who's getting the cuddles, and then once she knows you're not affecting her bond with her mum you can gradually start sharing affectionate behaviour with both of them at once. Show them both how much you love them, and you'll find that this sad little girl feels much happier - and once she does, she'll be less clingy to mum and things will get better. Please do remember though that all this needs to be done at a pace that the girl is comfortable with. It may seem unfair that you have to make these sacrifices, but if you're going to stay with this woman, you're going to have to get used to always always putting her daughter before anything else - that's just how having kids works.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (18 March 2006):
 A thing I should have added is that when our step-Dad first came to live with my Mum and brothers on eof the things he said to us was..."I am not your Dad, but I would like to be your friend." He also added that he knew he was an outsider but because he was in love with our Mum he wanted her to be happy. In order to make her happy we had to be happy too, and if we had a problem with his way of doing things he was always available to talk to.
We loved him for it then and 20 years on we love him still now.
Good luck honey, I hope it works out for you all.x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2006): I totally agree with willywombat. This girl is insecure. Don't you think it';s upsetting her mother more than it's upsetting you?Of course, you can never replace her dad, but you can at least make an effort. Talk to her and buy her little treats. Let her have an equal share of her mothers love and attention. She's obviously not used to sharing her mother like this before. Try talking to her, tell the little girl that although you love her mummy very much, her mummy will always love her more than her mummy loves you. Maybe that will help her come round. Kepp giving her the attention, although it's hard, when she comes round in the end, it will be worth it.Your lady will appreciate you for it as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your advice it is appreciated although i feel as though i am giving her all the attention i can by as you say getting her to sit with us on the sofa before her bed time and i even sit with her mother on her daughters bed to say goodnight and make up a nice story to tell her...i also tell her i love her and she is very important but i think she is still taking the lead and feels she is the only one that should be shown affection..not her mother..i will give it more time and i have fallen in love with the mother so will do all i can to keep it together...but feel i may be beat and have to walk away if things dont show any sighn of improvement..thanks again for your responce..
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (17 March 2006):
This sounds like one lonely and horrifically insecure little girl. Her Mum and Da (the centre of her tiny world) have split up and all the security and love she took for granted has just gone out the window. Obviously she sees you as an outsider there to steal her Mum's love from her. But I commend you for picking up on it and trying to rectify it. A lot of potential step-parents wouldnt even bother with the hassle.
As a child of a broken marriage (with both parents going on to form subsequent, very succesful second marriages) I can only offer a little advice from a childs point of view, and I hope it will help.
Suggestion 1. On the sofa. Do your cuddling and snuggling up when she has gone to bed. If the two of you are there watching TV and she walks in, call her over to sit between the two of you BEFORE she has the chance to sit there. That way it would appear you are INVITING her to join you, not her percieving it as *sitting between you*
Suggestion 2. When out walking make her walk between you and each of you hold a hand.
In short if you make her feel wanted and not pushed away she will in time start to feel more secure and will become less demanding.
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