A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend was around 400 pounds at one point. When her and I got together she was about 200 pounds and still is. I love her a whole lot and have been together for almost 3 years. She has discussed with me how much she wants to make love with me but at the same time she's so embarrassed about her body because of lose skin she still has from her weight loss. She's also really worried about her stretch marks that she says she has all over her tummy and lower back. I have never seen her naked, I've only seen her breasts. It kills me to know how ashamed she is of her body. I want her to be happy and enjoy sex but I don't know what to say to her to make her feel okay with everything.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 February 2015):
 I get her feelings. I used to be 300 pounds at 5'2" I got down to 135 and needed plastic surgery to repair the skin. Before that I was horrified at my sagging everything.
I wore short nighties with under wires for the bra
I wore CAMMIES during sex. I never wanted him to see me naked.
we have very very dim lights... and yet i still felt unattractive.
does she let you touch and caress her while clothed or is she so angry at her skin that she won't let you touch her at all?
does the sagging skin present any issues such as rashes or inability to have sex? if so plastic surgery to correct the sagging skin may be covered by insurance (mine was)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2015): This is a common problem, especially in women after they have babies and lose weight , when NO amount of excercising will change the loose skin and stretch marks Believe it or not, many many women are struggling with these same emotions and fears and it's difficult for most men to understand in a world that judges women's appearances much more harshly than men's and also when we women are repeatedly told and shown through porn and the likes that men desire only fit perfect skinned women.You sound like a nice man and she surely needs some professional help here. if you love her , I say don't leave as some others recommend ( I notice they are men and once again have little understanding of the gender specific extra strains for women ) Encourage her to get help and explain to her that the relationship NEEDS physical intimacy. Be prepared to support her and perhaps even attend some sessions with her.Don't lose a special person because of a problem that CAN be overcome. Beautiful souls and connections like you describe are rare in this world You may need to withdraw until she gets help but don't abandon her and that is likely her biggest fear and she will put that down to her loose skinBest wishes
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2015): A romantic-relationship between two young people cannot grow or be maintained without a happy and healthy sex-life. Three years is a long time to put-up with excuses. You've obviously already "talked about it." She is basically asking for a relationship without sex. Her body-image issues are deeply psychological, and I'm afraid just talking about it isn't enough.
She may need to get some professional-counseling to deal with her body-shame, and she may just be afraid of sex.
You're going to have to see her body sooner or later. Three years, and you haven't seen her whole body? She's got some real issues. I mean of a psychological nature, and pressuring her isn't helping in the least. It brings on anxiety, and she has dealt with her weight and self-esteem probably all her life.
The thing is, she is an adult and these fears have to be dealt with. I think she needs to see a doctor to be sure she isn't crash-dieting and losing weight too fast. She may also need to see a mental-health specialist to see what her underlying fears are. Her body-shame is weight-related. Obviously she will have loose skin after losing so much weight, but you can't have a boyfriend and not expect him to want sex. Sometimes guys aren't totally forthcoming or even sure about how they may react when they see what she's hiding. Oh, you'll promise a lot of nice things to get sex.
Your facial-expression may say differently from what you feel. It just may be as bad as she perceives it to be.
Then what?
You've shown great patience and understanding; but writing to this site is a clear indication you're losing patience and she is steadfastly refusing. The thought of you being repulsed is killing her. You haven't fully seen her, and until you have, do you know for sure it will not bother you?
That would traumatize her. This just might mean you'll have to find yourself another girlfriend without these issues; if you want to have the usual healthy relationship that includes regular sex.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (1 February 2015):
I think the best thing to do is talk to her about it and see where you both can work together to over coming this. After 3 years I would think this relationship needs to go somewhere and health issues are a strong aspect to long lasting relationship for obvious reasons. If she keeps making these excuses that will prevent her from actions, then this will only continue to snowball in the wrong direction.
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