A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This might be a bit long. After a few relationships, i decided to try and get together with a girl recommended to me by my friend's girlfriend. I'll call her Agnes. This happened great, especially the first 3/4 months - we had our issues to iron out - and we did with great aplomb.The trouble started coming when her ex of 4 years sent her a long email. At first I thought nothing of it and told her to ignore it. After a while, the guy sent a second one then she replied. When i found out, i lost it because i thought they were not in communication. She told me they were not, but just that she did so out of courtesy.Time passed and before we went on holiday together, the same ex sent a message asking her if the door was shut between them. She instantly told me about this and i told her to take her time and make a clear decision. During the holiday, i noticed she wasn't as involved in our activities so one night i brought it up and ended up seeing messages on her phone stating she was starting to think about choosing the other guy over me. When we discussed it, we came to the conclusion we'd be happy together and things changed. We ended up having a very great time. I then told her to deal with her ex situation quite decisively this time.A few days after coming back, I then discovered she hadn't really dismissed him because he clearly said he was going to ignore anything she had to say, and catch up with her some other time. To which she just said "OK". This drove me nuts once again, and the fact she didn't own up to me about this exchange (I only found out after threatening to leave her) didn't seem right to me so I told her i was leaving. That's when she told me all that had happened.After that encounter, they still didn't cut communication - this time it happened behind my back and the ex was saved as a different number in her phone. I only bumped into it by total mistake. When i confronted her, as fate would have it, the ex called with the phone on loudspeaker. At that instant i got out the car and left. She followed me but i was so angry and pushed her quite hard that she fell to the ground. I feel so bad about this.We made up that night and she came clean about EVERYTHING this time concerning her and the ex. She then said she's loyal but needs support to get rid of the guy. He then messaged her messages of wanting to be with her and she says he's very persistent when he starts. In addition to this, she mentioned that the difference between me and him is that she's seen him at his worst, which can't be said of me. Does this matter?Any advice is very appreciated here as i fear i might be in a deadly spiral.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2017): Man- have some self respect here. If you weren't finding out that she is lying, covering up her contact etc then you would simply not know it was going on. She's edging her bets.... you are second place
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 September 2017):
 Please don't ever push a woman to the ground again. Now on to your issue, it is clear she still loves her ex and she is going as far as to lie to you so she can keep in contact with him. Can you honestly trust her after this? I wouldn't be able to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2017): You have no chance at a relationship with her, other than sex while she makes the other guy jealous. She obviously plans to keep this guy on standby, so the minute you make her mad or disappoint her, she can run into his arms.Wishy washy answers to flirty messages are not that big of a deal, but she actually told him she was thinking of dumping you while you guys were on vacation together. You are in last place here. I'm guessing she needs your support, or income, or place to live while her heart and body want this guy who isn't offering the same.When she's hiding his number in her phone so she can have contact with him behind your back, after telling him she was thinking about choosing him over you, there's no coming back from that. That is, unless you're just in this for sex, and you don't really care where her heart is.Also, you pushed her down. You can't ever let your temper cause you to put your hands on a woman. I don't see how she can ever trust you again after that. The relationship you have with her in the future will never involve trust and open communication again. She will be secretly messaging, and probably seeing other men the whole time you're together. Every time you make her mad, she has a ready set of arms to run to. She knows it, and you know it. That's a time bomb if you have real feelings for her. If you're just enjoying the ride while it lasts, then enjoy the ride and use a condom. Women will have sex with an ex as if it doesn't count, because they've had sex before.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 September 2017):
 Ask her, if she is serious about stopping his contacting her, ask her why she hasn't blocked him number, or changed hers, or blocked him on social media?
If she is serious about stopping contact she is going about it in a very wishy washy manner. if she doesn't have the inner fortitude to take the barest minimum of actions to stop him then he is always going to be there, the third person in your relationship. Its really up to you to decide if that's what you want, or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2017): Well, she is stuck on him but likes you at the same time. It will be fine once she truly cuts contact. What he is doing is playing with her emotions and he has this control of her. She needs to let go and you should tell her its him or you.
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