| A
male
,
anonymous
writes: My girlfriend of 2 and 3/4yrs has just asked me for a break. She assures me that she still loves me and finds me attractive. The one thing that kind of worries me is that she gave no guarantee that we'll get back together. I give her a lot of space but she has mentioned feeling a bit trapped. She also mentioned that she has only being single for 8 month's since she was 16 (she's 21 and had a boyfriend before she met me) and needs some time to herself. When I met to talk to her face to face she seemed to miss me, we held hands and she stroked my face. The only good thing to come from this so far is that now I am certain that I love her. Can anyone give me advice on what to do?
View related questions:
a break, get back together, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, fuzzyboy20  +, writes (23 July 2011):
I think she just feels she is missing out on things and wants to experience them. She does miss you lots of course but she just wants time that she never had because she is always dating someone. Listen to her and understand where she is coming from.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): OK now why does she want this space? What does she really need to do that she wants to be single? There is a deeper meaning to everything women do and a break is a easy way to confuse a guy, because your single but not! If you let her control the relationship then what she says go's. Let her know that you love her and tell her say listen I'm sitting here waiting for you and I need to know right know whats going on, I'm not dealing with you playing games! If it's the end then so be it, don't ever wait one someone else. Love is cool, but don't let it become a weakness in a relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, GetGirlAgain +, writes (28 April 2010):
 stop! Don't listen or buy into to the go get her! mentality!!Yes, girls want guys to do this, but only when THEY feel like the guy is drifting away or that you are not moving on to the next level WHEN they want to.If she is pulling away, pursuit of her will push her away even faster. If you love her, stop fighting (disagreeing) with her, and start seeing and doing things from her perspective...If she says she wants space, say "I was thinking the same thing"if she says she wants to date other people, say "I was just about to say the same thing, we should have a chance to explore our worlds before we get too serious."this does two things... It shows her that you are UNDERSTANDING HER feelings, and also makes her realize that she may lose you forever.The fear of loss is much much stronger than the desire for something new.If she thinks you are waiting for her to decide what she wants, she will take her time and COMPLETELY explore her options, this usually ends in a very long and drawn out breakup that is not fun for either of you...Whatever you do, don't give out ultimatums. Don't say decide in a week because I'm not waiting around for you. On the surface it may seem strong but she will see right through your attempt. But you also shouldn't say I'm waiting around for you.So what should you say... Well since I can't write a whole book on thus post, I'll say contact me and I will help you out. Either message me here or leave a comment or message on my blog (messages on my blog get priority) at http://www.losttheone.comI look forward to hearing about your renewed happy relationship!Jesse
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): when girls say they need space, its a load of bs. i know you think im just being negative, because thats what i thought when i came to this page looking for help, i only listened to the ones that sounded optimistic. basically when a girl says this, it means shes not intersted in you anymore because shes realised there are plenty more and better looking fish in the sea. blunt, but true. But you should count yourself lucky that your relationship means enough to her for her not to break up with you straight away.
If this happens to you, and you want it to work out, DO NOT get more clingy. i know its hard when she starts to push you away, she might even say shes not sure about her feelings anymore and just needs space. But dont ring her up and rapidfire her with questions like why shes doing it and what happened or even start crying. it will make it ten times worse.
I know how horrible it feels, but you have to supress it enough not to vent your emotions to her. vent to someone else, write on the internet like this or just cry all day everyday it doesnt matter. she is thinking she doesnt need you anymore, so it has to look like you dont need her either. kind of like reverse psycology. If she has a gap where she has no contact with you at all, after however many months or years of intamacy, she will miss it.
Although its not guaranteed she will come back to you, this will increase your chances ten-fold. and if she does start to ask to see you again a bit, dont jump at it and start everything again. again, i know it feels hard, and right now is almost definately the worst time of your life, but let her come to you.
again i know its hard as you probably dont know what caused it, as it always comes suddenly. just tell her you love her before you start giving her space. then thats the last thing you said and all she will think about.
If this is happening to you i hope my answer wasn't too blunt, but i swear to god its what it is. Im just being honest so you know whats going on, since she wont tell you, and so you have the best chances of getting through it, so good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, skreen23  +, writes (27 May 2009):
Wow this is my post from 3 years ago. Well guess what, we got back together and now we are on week 5 of another break. Deja vu. This time though i am a stronger person. Life is a funny thing.
...............................
A
male
reader, charlie coombes  +, writes (11 February 2009):
im new too to this, im 27 and my girlfriend is 23 we have been together 2yrs and we have recently had our first arguement and it has made her ask for space. she has said that she loves me twice since we split. She said that she will call me by sunday this week after she has had time to think. i just want to get back with her, were like best friends and soul mates. We where together every weekend on the phone for an hour every night and texting. We never get bord of each other. She said as this is her first relatationship it has scared her and she dont know how to deal with it. Please help this is so frusting i love her so much, im losing more that a girlfriend im losing my best friend to.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): Look, if she says she loves you, then she means it. But she's also saying she needs space. So there is something YOU are not understanding to make these two statements into logic.
Is it that she needs space because: (a) she has a lot of stress from other sources and having you in the picture is adding to her stress instead of relieving it? If so, figure out what about you adds to her stress or needing more time to deal with life. (b) she wants to get married, but doesn't want you to feel forced into marriage, so is thinking about looking elsewhere for companionship? (c) she has some other problem or hidden time-suck that she needs to focus on right now (illness in the family, another boyfriend, she's pregnant, THE LIST GOES ON!).
Bottomline, there is something she's uncomfortable telling you based on how you've responded to date to similar situations or based on her prior experience with men. Probably based on her prior experience with men -so nothing personal.
If you love her - go after her! Just find a safe, non-threatening space for her to express herself -- try a lunch date on a Saturday in a place that maybe doesn't have the greatest food, but will give you lots of time to just sit and talk for a couple of hours and be friendly without the pressure to be romantic. Sit her down, make it clear that you're not a mind-reader. Then be prepared to ask questions like "what do you want out of life?" "can you give me an example of what you want out of life from others you may have seen before?"
Good luck!
She loves you and that's 80% of the battle!
:-)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): hello I am in the same situation with my girlfriend. She has asked for space and is acting the same as your girlfriend saying she loves me (we've been together 2 3/4 years too). We're at university so its pretty long distance as it is, so when she asked for space i was really confused and upset. It's been two weeks without seeing her but we have had light chat on the phone 3 times but once we talked about our relationship and i asked whether she wanted to be with me and she replied that she wasnt sure about anything in her life at the moment. '
It's really upsetting but like the other person said, if you love someone let them go and if they come back you know its true love. As I'm learning, you just have to give her space to let her come to her own conclusions and try not to ask her/ pressure her for an answer as it will push her away. I know it's agony being completely stuck as you can't really do anything but wait. Try and be patient and think of how it might be all worth the pain at the end if it all works out and makes you both stronger.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): Listen bro...I just went through the same shit and you guys aren't gonna get back together. Personally, I think she prob met another dude...Anyways keep your head up and don't let it get to you as much as it got to me just move on before you get hurt anymore...
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2006): I'm not going to sugar coat the truth. It means she doesn't like you anymore, bro. If she did she'd want to continue or even progress. Maybe things became stale, perhaps she met someone else. Who knows. Cut her off and try to recouperate. I went through a similiar situation recently, you'll get through it. Cut her off, and let it ride. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2006): I am in the exact same situation. I am not sure what to do,
but the old saying, "if you love something let it go, if it
comes back to you it's yours" seems appropriate. But,
letting go when you want to be with someone so much is
the hard part. Give her the space she needs, and be there
for her when she needs you. Don't pressure her about the
relationship. Hopefully in time she will figure out
whatever it is she needs to figure out and will want to
pick up the relationship again. This is what I am going
to try to do, I hope it works out for both of us...
...............................
A
female
reader, kellyO +, writes (3 January 2006):
 Dearie, my advise now is that u should talk to her and find out what she really wants. she said she needs space is it that she feels she needs to stand on her own two feet and make her own decisions? maybe she feels she is too dependent on u and all her previous boyfriends and she wants abit of independence?
Since she has assured you that she indeed loves u, then tell her u love her alot but would like to understand why she is asking for space and what the problem really is. Maybe the two of u can work on this.
Goodluck dear
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2006): This probaby sounds stupid but maybe you should have some light chat now and again with her...it gives her space and you some reasurance, obviosly you shouldn't talk on subjects like your relationship ect. just keep it friendly and don't do it too often. Good luck!
P.S This is my first time doing the agony uncle thing
...............................
|
