A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of almost 16 months is just back from holiday and she snogged another guy while very drunk and she doesn't know i know. I found out thru reading one of her emails she sent to a friend where she stated she wouldnt tell me because she thinks i would split up with her.i do love her lots and cant believe she has done this to me because she's said she loves me lots plenty of times and texted me many times while on holiday telling she loved and missed me so so much.I was out drinking myself on friday when i believe she kissed this other guy because she texted me saying im sorry while saying nothing else. I texted her saying why are you sorry and she said because i love you so much. At the time i thought this was weird but now i know this was probably a confession of guilt, almost. Then i texted her later on and she replied care with no kisses. This again was starnge so i phoned her and she never owned up to any wrong doing and tried to make out like she couldnt remember saying those thingsAnyway i seen her tonight and was so happy seeing her and it was great to be close again. But when she went downstairs i went on to her laptop and came across her emails. i thought id be a bit nosey because i thought i see some sort of funny girly chats to one of her friends. but to my shock she was telling this friend that she had snogged another guy and that after he went off. she also went on to tell her to keep it quiet as noone knows and that she wouldnt tell as ive said above.When she came back up i tried to bluff my way thru the rest of our night because i knew i need the time to think before challenging her. I will no doubt see her tomorrow and she has picked up on something being wrong and she's already using the classic guilt signs of her sensing somethings up like she's already trying to pick fault with meAnyway i need some help and advice desperately. So grateful to anyone who can provide it. Do i take her back and on what conditions because the trust is gone? My gut feeling is that i should finish but i also have a feeling that im gonna miss her and be really down if i finish with her. Also we are supposed to be going on holiday in 2 months and going to a music festival together next month i really dont want the hassle and the bitterness that all this shit could causeThanks in advance
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drunk, I love you, on holiday, split up, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): Yes, If you care about then you should disuss what has hurt you, If she apologize about it once confronted with it. Then you should keep her, but if for any reason that you got that gut feeling to let her go. Then you should. Remember there is other women out here.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): Great wonderfull, the perfect happy ending.
That's what I was hoping would happen. You love one another and you are both willing to try, that's all that matters now. She was stupid and she hurt you and destroyed your trust, of course it will take time for you to forgive and trust her again, but in time you will, because I'm sure nothing like this will happen again. Try to forget the past and do romantic things together so your love will become strong. I'm sorry you had to go through all off this, but I'm glad you talked and can see no reason why you won't eventually be as happy as you were before. Good luck and blessings.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 June 2008):
 I insist: it's your call.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay so after a crazy few days everything is out in the openit didnt happen how i wanted it to as we were both drunkBut after being on the brink we're still together and everything has been talked thru.I've given her the benefit of the doubt due to the fact that we've been together for a long time, i love her and she says she still loves me lots. She also cried a lot said she was so so sorry and would never do anything to hurt me ever again. She's said sorry to me many times and that she never wants to lose me.And i've looked at it also from the fact that it was just a kiss and that she was very drunk and naive. This is not a good enough excuse though and nothing can excuse it but she has shown me enough to know that she is deeply sorry and she would change it if she had the chance because she really wants to be with me.I havent properly forgiven her yet and im not sure when this will happen. It will come with the trust. At the moment things are as good as they can be and im staying strong pretty much all the time but sometimes my mind does start to wonder and i get a little angry but i can stop myself feeling like this pretty quickly. I do trust her pretty much all the time, but i will be apprehensive when she goes for a night out when im not there and she gets drunk. Ive told her this and she said i have every reason to be. She also says she never wants to go on holiday again, well not that sort of holiday.But we shall see what the future holds. I think i feel i needed to give it a bit more time, i need her to show me that she does still really want to be with me, which she has done so far, and that she can understand what can happen if you lose yourself for just a moment. To make sure this will never happen again. Guys will try it on with her all the time and it pisses me off of course but she assured me she's always stoppped it before. She also said she hates herself for what she done and that she cant believe how stupid she has been.So i still would be grateful if ppl can maybe give their views on what's happened now cos it's been a great help to hear the views so far.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): I think she's feeling she's got away with it one time, then she feels she can get away with it again and again.
She has made into routine and obviously doesn't love you if she does that. It maybe, and will be hard, but break up with her.
She's just with you because she's with you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (12 June 2008):
It's your call, man.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (11 June 2008):
 Or are you just scared to force the issue /lose her? It all sounds like excuses to keep hanging on.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (11 June 2008):
You've got to clear the air now. Hanging around with the idea of falling out of love with her or getting revenge is kidding yourself, wasting your own time and hers, and threatening to introduce some major twisted psychology into the relationship.
If you get it out now you will nip everything in the bud and maybe have a stronger relationship with her. Keeping going without removing the canker could lead to some poisonous results.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay so this is what has happened....I spent last night with my girlfriend and i must admit i kinda bottled it. I wont go into too much detail but it was pretty much impossible for me to bring it up when i seen at first yesterday. And then when i finally got her alone we ended up having sex.
So now i wont see her til friday and yesterday i phoned up the holiday compnay and friday is the deadline if i want to cancel holiday and only lose out on like 40 quid.
The thing is now my view has kinda shifted and i feel like im gonna keep it going for a few months, a sort of trial period, and i really dont know why ive decided to do this after being so sure i was gonna bring this up with her yesterday. She still does love me lots and i still love her but the fact she cheated on me is making me feel sick at times. Im quite good at blocking it out though.
I just feel like i dont know what to do yet. At the moment i feel i want to use these next few months to try and help mysel fall out of love with her and get over her if that makes sense? without her really knowing. Or maybe gain revenge on her somehow and punish and hurt her. Or maybe ill bring this up in a few months and she how she reacts
i know damn sure that anybody reading this will think i should be bringing this up asap but for the reasons ive given above can i justify this? I just feel like i want to get what i want of our relationship and move on because i wasnt prepared or set for it to end like this. I still love her but before i could see no end to our relationship and i didnt know where it was gonna end up but i had quite a frim belief it would last for a good while longer at least well into next year as we already made some plans. But with what she has done i cant see myself being with her that long term. I will never say never because i have done things i thought i wouldnt a few times before but for her to help me forgive would take a heel of a lot and im sure she'd try but im not so sure its enough for me. I also believe that her kiss on holiday for her means nothing and that she still really wants to be with me but is that a thought worth holding onto?
please keep the suggestions coming and the comments so far have been great and i know ill make up my own mind like ppl have already said but hearing other views is helping me no end. thanks!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): Sorry you feel down about your relationship. I wouldn't end my relationship on a kiss, but I would if it included any kind of sex. Don't worry about your gut feelings that caused you to snoop. She was acting odd to you. If it was just a kiss, well how many woman would you like just a kiss from. The real problem is the loss of trust. Its something you almost never get back. My wife had an all out affair I stumbled onto. I am still with her 7 years later but things will never be the same for us. The lies and deceit are enough to put an end to what was once a good relationship. I have a feeling from my experience that you will have a life time of doubt with her. Your young, evaluate the future with her. If she had sex with him, dump her now. She's no longer worth it. A kiss, well I wouldn't lose my girl over it, I would give her a fighting chance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni will be seeing her again soon for some showdown talks. I think a lot of what happens depends on her reaction. If she is very sorry and very apologetic i might give it another couple of months. But if i get hit with a defensive and almost unapologetic tone then its def over. I want assurances that this will never happen again but i already feel this is the beginning of the end. She's got a lot to make up for and has to prove to me that she deserves my trust or i will find someone else who does.Ive flicked thru other questions and stuff have wrote online and see a lot of cases of people getting properly cheated on and taking ppl back multiple times. I know you could say this was only a kiss but as soon as any sort of wrong doing is committed the trust is broken just the same. I felt like she had matured a lot thru our time together but clearly not yet enough. When i went on holiday last year it made me realise how much i loved her because you see so many states. People so desperate for something and that something is always brief and easy and hollow. But yet still so many ppl crave that. At the time i was gald i felt i had something real and lasting and it was never that brief and it had a future.i guess i need to find someone a bit more like me but im a little worried that this may never happen because i dont see a lot of true goodness and faithfulness in ppl
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (10 June 2008):
Just a comment on what an anonymous poster said. I am absolutely, fully, overwhelmingly... (write any adverb here) convinced that the girlfriend is certainly not the person to ask for help here. It's like asking the wolf what to do with the sheep. The poster is to decide on his own. By the way, whatever we say here is also just takes or points of view; the poster ALWAYS decides and acts alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): This snopping thing is not a good sign. Relationships thrive on trust and belief in the other person's goodness. Sneaking and snopping sows the seeds of doubt, as you have found out for yourself. Talk to her, but think carefully about the holiday. You might find the relationship too toxic and going on holiday may only pour salt into the wounds.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (10 June 2008):
Drunkenness IS an excuse, but not a very good one.
She did something wrong, she had guilty feelings (which she showed through her cryptic text messages), and she decided not to tell you because she doesn't want to split up.
I think you should stay calm, but bring it up with her. Show her some generosity. Find out how she feels about it and how she feels about her relationship with you. You will have to apologise about snooping, but if she wants to continue it has to be made clear that snogging other men, even when drunk, is not acceptable. If she really cares about you, you should get a show of repentance, at least.
In future, trust her but be careful. Any more behaviour like this means you should break up, because a repeat performance would show clearly that she is weak-willed and prone to infidelity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): In a non-hostile manner, tell her you know, apologize for snooping, ask her for reasons, and ask her to help you decide what to do about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): Kissing somebody else, especially when your in a relationship is never a good sign. But lying about it is natural and human. However now you have found out, you need to take the bulls by the horns and question her about it. It might have been a mistake, she maybe having doubts about your relationship. This is a good opportunity to question her and find out where your relationship is going.
I notice you don't talk about love, only about missing her. This may be an oversight on your part, perhaps your very angry. You both need to talk about this, because I feel that you may also have doubts about the strength of your relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncheers for the replies so farI tried to keep my original question as brief as possibleThe thing is i would never snoop thru someones phone or private stuff but my girlfriend for ages now started all this checking thru my phone business. I dont agree with it and i never have anything to hide. I know a lot of ppl with girlfriends who do the same thing. It did always strike me as a guilt thing on her part.Also i would like to add that i made an almost jokey comment about her being faithful pretty much before this would have happened and she said dont be stupid i love you too much to throw everything away for a complete random.the other thing that got to me about the nature of her email, i didnt read it properly, was that to her friend she almost implied like it was cool. Like look at me im such a devil i pulled someone behind my bf's back. Im making her out to sound like a bitch but she's a really nice girl its just that i think she is really naive and has some deep problems. She went on hol last year for 2 weeks and assured me then that she never cheated and i believed her and still do i think,Anyway im gonna speak to her tomorrow and see where that ends up. I can see her getting quite defensive about it but she doesnt have a leg to stand on her wrong is much worse. I think she'll beg me to stay with her and cry and give up a good reason. But im not sure anything will change my view on her now. At best i may give her til after our holiday in 2 months and then see where we are. My thoughts are all over the place and i feel shellshocked and deep down its like i knew this would happen. Before she went away i said i had this feeling something bad would happen but not neccessarily to do with us and she said dont worry it would never be about something with us. Im actually laughing in disbelief. She does love me lots but i just dont think she knows how to conduct herself in a relationship.I feel so mad, in a way i want to gain revenge.if anyone could help dissect all this for me and give me some advice. in the end ill know ill make the right choice but i think its good to hear another perspective because its so blunt and to the point and seen without all the bs.cheers!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (10 June 2008):
This situation has difficult circumstances.
Her being drunk isn't an excuse; it never is, with anyone. So, let´s see the options.
A) Say nothing. It won't work. You want to know why she kissed that other guy. And I would want to know, too.
B) Tell her up front and see what she says. She will complain about your snooping and might break up with you.
I would go for the second option. Let's see what she can say in her defense. Pay attention to two things, in particular. One, she will be right to complain about your snooping. Two, and more important, listen carefully to what she says. If she doesn't come with an apology or something, and, instead, tries to lay the blame on you, then you will have food for thought.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): hi, thats pretty rough mate! personally i think its best to break up with her because how do u no that next time shes drunk she aint going to kiss any1 else? i think u should sit her down and just try and talk to her about it and then after that make your decision on how u feel, if you can trust her again? caitlin x
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