A
male
age
30-35,
*raveheart
writes:Here's my problem: I've been going out with my girlfriend for about 3 months now and i've known her for about 7 or 8 months in total. The problem i'm having is that my gf doesn't open up to me and she's extremely mysterious...she hides almost everything from me. By nature, i happen to be quite frank and truthful and i spill my heart out to her including everything i've done in the past that i'm ashamed of and every single embarrassing incident of my life...but she always refuses to tell me anything. Apparently her ex has put her through a lot in the past and she has done stuff that she's ashamed of to get back at him (from what i gather from bits and pieces) and she doesn't wanna talk abt it. She says that she was very open with her ex and told him everything but when their relationship started falling apart he had used everything that she had told him against her and due to this she doesn't want to let me in on her life much and she doesn't want to "commit 100%" (her own words). I told her that i understood and that i'd wait till she feels ready to open up to me cos i understand that we've only gone out for 3 months and maybe she needs more time. But waiting for her to get over her past is tearing me apart cos whenever we talk over msn or on the phone she never talks much. It's a one sided conversation and i feel as though i'm talking to myself. And yet she insists that she loves me very much and i'm pretty sure she does but she's hurting me a lot. I really need advice...i've considered leaving her a number of times cos i've been more hurt in this relationship than happy....this is my first ever relationship and i never expected it to hurt this much. The funny thing is that she was quite open with me before we started going out and then closed up afterwards! It's almost like she has a boyfriendphobia or somethin....she often says that i'd be a jerk no matter what cos i'm a guy and all guys are jerks. This kinda thing hurts me very much cos i care about her a lot and i do everything i can to make her happy...she's a very nice person and she's the centre of my world but she obviously has issues regarding her ex and her past. I badly need advice on what i should do. I find it pretty unfair that i have to be treated like this cos of something her ex did to her.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Dr. Care  +, writes (4 August 2007):
Hey man, I feel for you!!! I am in the same situation as you are in. My girl doesn't open up to me at all. She tells me that she loves me but her actions are very different that she tells me. The worse thing is I really want to marry this girl but how can I marry her when I hardly know her past? As I was reading some of the posting, someone meantion that it's a trust issue. How can this be? Does this means that they really don't trust at all? Even if you spilled out your heart to her including everything about your past? I really feel that she really care about you and about your feeling's, they would make an effort to change. If not, then think about this "there are plenty of fish in the sea." For a male it is never to late to find love some ware else!!!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007): Well... This sounds a lot like my situation with my boyfriend right now. He's always open about everything and always wants to resolve any problems (whether they're concerning us or just me) right away. Frankly, it's quite annoying because I feel that he wouldn't understand and like the previous female response said, would look/treat me differently. Personally, I wish for him to just be understanding and caring, even if I don't tell him anything. I would love if he would be willing to wait for however long it would take me to open up. It's a trust issue. Don't push because that will make her more closed off and put pressure on her. Right now she's afraid, and you need to understand that. Eventually, she'll become comfortable enough to let you in. Until then, hang in there, and if you love her as much as you say you do, it'll be worth it.
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A
male
reader, Braveheart +, writes (23 July 2007):
Braveheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi,I just wanted to thank both of u for ur advice and for taking the time to read through and reply to my problem. Now that I have a better idea of where my girlfriend is coming from I'm finding it much easier to be more patient with her and to accept that she needs time to open up to me. It really helps to see it from her perspective and I'll continue to do that as much as possible from now on. Thanks again for the help.
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A
male
reader, advice12 +, writes (23 July 2007):
ok first its not your fault, a girls past is very haunting and its only a wall put up so she dosent get hurt again. my girlfriend is the same way ill spill my heart out to her and all shell say is i dont know what to say or shell ok me to death which i hate but, just show her your there for her and what ever you do no matter how fustrated you seem to get dont try to force it out of her casue thats gonna only push her away. time is all that matters over time she will start to open up and tell you things. its all trust the most important thing in a relationship is trust if you dont have trust theres not use for a relationship
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): That is a difficult situation. I understand where your girlfriend is coming from though. I had some hard blows in life and was in rehab when I was only 13. The experience was embarrassing left me feeling like if anyone found out, they would look at me differently. When I was about 18, my first serious boyfriend seemed very understanding and sympathetic so, after quite some time, I told him about my past; about how I was depressed and suicidal while in rehab. THen things with him went sour and when we had fights he would throw it in my face calling me a crazy bitch, teling me to go back to the nuthouse, and saying other cruel, hurtful things. I now have a wonderful boyfriend who I love very much, but we've only been together and known one another a few months. I would NEVER tell him about my past yet or any time soon. I don't want him to see me differently or not like me anymore or, as your girlfriend fears, have any "ammunition" to use against me if things were to spoil between us. She loves you and probably wants to tell you about herself very much, but she is afraid. Reassure her a lot that there is nothing in her past that would change how you feel for her now, and tell her you won't judge her, and tell her how her not opening up makes you feel. Hope this helps. Let me know how it goes.
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