A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok I'll get straight to the point. Like most women my girlfriend hates porn. I told her when we got together that I didn't like it either, but recently she caught me watching it. We've now been together for 3 years. Needless to say she got really upset and we had a huge argument and although I apologised for lying, I manned up and told her that I do like it and I'm planning to keep watching it. Every man I know looks at porn and I just don't understand why it bothers women so much? After a few days of the cold shoulder she came round a bit and she started to warm up to me. Or so I thought. The other day she came out of our bedroom dressed in sexy lingerie. I thought she wanted sex but she turned around and told me that she didn't. She was dressed up because she'd taken sexy photos of herself and posted them online! When I questioned her, she said she used to do it years ago before we met and recently decided to start doing it again. Obviously I told her I am NOT happy at other men looking at my partner naked and wanking off to her to which she replied that it's the same as me masturbating to porn! So she's just being petty and trying to hurt me in revenge. I don't even think the two things are remotely similar but she's saying that because it's anonymous and she's not interacting with these men then I can't be offended by it. But they are real men that are out there somewhere and I think it's cheating for her to be showing her body in a sexual way to them. That's the whole point of being in a relationship that the other person is the only person you share sexual stuff with, not randoms on the internet! She absolutely will not try to see my point at all and is being really stubborn about it. Like when I pointed out that she would stop doing it if she cared about me she turns it around and says she feels the same about porn. How can I make her see that these two things are totally different? I'm on the verge of leaving over this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2016): Do you realize the double standard going on here? You really are cheating on her. You should seek professional help because you CANNOT and WILL not stop.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (26 February 2016):
 Like she needs other men to look at her to make her feel wanted when surely me wanting her should be enough?
I dont mean to rag on you but, Really, I mean really...Come on...listen to what you are saying!!!!
She doesnt need other men to look at her to make her feel wanted. She is trying to prove a point. One you don't get. If I were to put that into laymen terms that pretty much translates to: What's good for the goose, is good for the gander. You hate feeling like crap because of her actions just as she does by yours. Plain and simple. How can your nose be pushed out of joint by feeling that you should be enough for her? You are, she ain't the one getting her rocks off to porn. Doesn't that send a message that she is not good enough for you?
Her putting her body out there to be sexualised, in your opinion, by men that are no different than yourself, just the woman you choose is with someone else as the woman they bat off to is with you. If you want to call that cheating then fine ok. You do it with with your hand,mind and eyes, she does it by exposure. Different method but same principle.
Sorry but your 'Holier than thou" perception of yourself while other men doing the same
as you are,in your opinion, "disgusting, leering" creatures, I cant help but sigh in disbelief and sadness for you poor GF. Unless you get wise to what she is trying to say, you Mr. Jerk off are going to figure 8'ing on this till she says- " Forget it, I'm Done" and only then, if you really do love this woman,will have to sit back and ask yourself " Fuck man, was the porn worth it" because then will REALITY hit that there will be another mans hands all over her, that of her new partner. Thats putting it mildly, as you can well imagine. Seriously, I really do hope you two get a handle on this before it's too late. Good luck, and I mean that
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (26 February 2016):
Like she needs other men to look at her to make her feel wanted when surely me wanting her should be enough?
I dont mean to rag on you but, Really, I mean really...Come on...listen to what you are saying!!!!
She doesnt need other men to look at her to make her feel wanted. She is trying to prove a point. One you don't get. If I were to put that into laymen terms that pretty much translates to: What's good for the goose, is good for the gander. You hate feeling like crap because of her actions just as she does by yours. Plain and simple. How can your nose be pushed out of joint by feeling that you should be enough for her? You are, she ain't the one getting her rocks off to porn. Doesn't that send a message that she is not good enough for you?
Her putting her body out there to be sexualised, in your opinion, by men that are no different than yourself, just the woman you choose is with someone else as the woman they bat off to is with you. If you want to call that cheating then fine ok. You do it with with your hand,mind and eyes, she does it by exposure. Different method but same principle.
Sorry but your 'Holier than thou" perception of yourself while other men doing the same
as you are,in your opinion, "disgusting, leering" creatures, I cant help but sigh in disbelief and sadness for you poor GF. Unless you get wise to what she is trying to say, you Mr. Jerk off are going to figure 8'ing on this till she says- " Forget it, I'm Done" and only then, if you really do love this woman,will have to sit back and ask yourself " Fuck man, was the porn worth it" because then will REALITY hit that there will be another mans hands all over her, that of her new partner. Thats putting it mildly, as you can well imagine. Seriously, I really do hope you two get a handle on this before it's too late. Good luck, and I mean that
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (26 February 2016):
Like she needs other men to look at her to make her feel wanted when surely me wanting her should be enough?
I dont mean to rag on you but, Really, I mean really...Come on...listen to what you are saying!!!!
She doesnt need other men to look at her to make her feel wanted. She is trying to prove a point. One you don't get. If I were to put that into laymen terms that pretty much translates to: What's good for the goose, is good for the gander. You hate feeling like crap because of her actions just as she does by yours. Plain and simple. How can your nose be pushed out of joint by feeling that you should be enough for her? You are, she ain't the one getting her rocks off to porn. Doesn't that send a message that she is not good enough for you?
Her putting her body out there to be sexualised, in your opinion, by men that are no different than yourself, just the woman you choose is with someone else as the woman they bat off to is with you. If you want to call that cheating then fine ok. You do it with with your hand,mind and eyes, she does it by exposure. Different method but same principle.
Sorry but your 'Holier than thou" perception of yourself while other men doing the same
as you are,in your opinion, "disgusting, leering" creatures, I cant help but sigh in disbelief and sadness for you poor GF. Unless you get wise to what she is trying to say, you Mr. Jerk off are going to figure 8'ing on this till she says- " Forget it, I'm Done" and only then, if you really do love this woman,will have to sit back and ask yourself " Fuck man, was the porn worth it" because then will REALITY hit that there will be another mans hands all over her, that of her new partner. Thats putting it mildly, as you can well imagine. Seriously, I really do hope you two get a handle on this before it's too late. Good luck, and I mean that
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2016): I just wanted to add a bit more to this as I have thought about her reaction more and it is extreme. People lie sometimes, I bet that every single one of us commenting have lied at some point in time. It's not nice to just lie about things but looking back at your question she didn't actually say that she forbids you from ever watching it. The only thing the both of you actually said was that neither of you watched it.Your reaction to her getting upset was to basically go tough, well I can think of times when people have gotten upset with me and I start feeling under attack I immediately get defensive. That's what happens during arguments, people throw words around and have tantrums.The problem is the way it was dealt with when you both calmed down. By taking her time to plot some revenge shows that she doesn't just do something in a moment of anger lashing out and being silly she goes out of her way to hurt you. I'm sure you didn't go out of your way to hurt her by watching it as from the question I can't actually see anywhere her saying that she strongly detests it.If she hated the thought of you watching it so much and was that upset by you going tough I'm still going to do it then she could have decided to break up with you. If people don't like certain things then don't stay when they tell you they won't stop.The way to sort it out is to ask her why she hates it so much and try to understand it. I don't think I would want to be with somebody who was uptight about porn the way she is and somebody who got so wound up about it that they reacted that way.I understand why some women hate porn, I like it personally and I think when I look for a partner I try and find people who are laid back and in to the same kinds of things as me. I used to be with a man who didn't really big me up or make me feel good about myself so I got upset when I discovered his secret porn stash. If he's not making me feel sexy and good about myself then it's hurtful when he pays attention looking at other women and being cold toward me.Then I had a boyfriend who made me feel confident and laid back. When you feel secure in yourself and paid attention to then you start realising porn is just something a bit kinky and doesn't really mean anything. I'm also a lot older and when women get to my age they feel so much more confident in themselves.
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (25 February 2016):
A womans problem with porn watching generally comes back to her own insecurities about herself, ie, comparing herself to the woman you are watching.
That said, watching it excessively shows a problem with yourself and an addictive weakness that you have to address.
To your point about the pictures, the first time a woman ever did something retaliatory like that to me would be her last. I dont play those shit test games, and if you do now, you will be the rest of your relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): I think some of the later posts are a bit harsh. I don't think I'm a hypocrite, that would be if I was telling her not to watch porn but doing it myself. This is different she's just managing to twist it round. Ok maybe all men don't watch porn but most do and that's because we're visual and need variety. I'd never cheat so this is a healthy outlet for that. There's a difference between that and me putting my naked body up there for women to gawk at! She wouldn't be happy with that and I know it. Anyway thanks for the advice, I don't know what I'm going to do but this has to get sorted soon.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 February 2016):
 Forgot to add this, but your "Keep it up" at the tagline of your follow-up as well as your playup of how attractive your "girlfriend" is clinched it for me even more. Why the HELL would someone want to "keep up" with feeling betrayal if most of the advice is hard on the boyfriend?
It's because you're NOT the boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 February 2016):
Your story reads like *you* are not a man writing in here, but rather a woman with an agenda. You hit all the points. You write as if you're the guy, knowing full well what the double standard is, and you're trying to make a point over how destructive porn is. Part of your writing seems like revenge fantasy fiction, and are making the story up to drive the point home.
In case I'm wrong about this, here's why I'm suspicious of you: Only someone who's been hit in the brainpan could be in this much denial over why "she" is drawing this line.
Also, you write like you are a girlfriend of a guy watching porn, and hearing our disdain of the guy will make you feel better, and that us giving the guy a verbal thrashing is therapeutic for you.
Another reason why I'm calling possible ghostwriting is that you write as though you are not an in-depth thinker, except you thought enough to spell out the *exact* outrage that "she" feels about the porn watching, without the usual thinking of a guy who would have actually had a girl "punish" you in this fashion.
But the biggest reason why I call this story a possible fiction is that most women who have an anger of their partner's habit wouldn't do what they can to contribute to such a distasteful and demeaning practice as punishment, because it would be like hating your partner for drinking alcohol by upending an entire gallon in front of him and staring at him until he calls the ambulance.
Most women would not contribute to such a distasteful industry to prove a point. It's not a sum-game comparison, and internet pictures stay long after the emotions end.
If you *are* a guy and I'm wrong about this, my short answer is that you two are and always will be incompatible, and you should break up.
Heh, and if I'm right and you're the GIRL, my advice is exactly the same.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (24 February 2016):
 I think you need to get real - whether it's you watching "real" people screwing or "real" people looking at her it IS the same thing- double standards! How can you not understand that... ? She feels you watching otrer women, lying to her as a major blow- so how can you complain about men wanking over her? Its a bigger blow for her mate... I feel sorry for her as your lie, ignorance to her feelings and disregard for her has clearly made her so upset she has lashed out in this major way... Like some others said it' s a way to show you how it hurts, that yod rather mastutbate to porn in secret than be intimate with her... So actually put your habit down for one minute and pay attention to how she feels...Apologuse for lying , listen to her and compromise to at least gradually cut down and wean yourself off it- in the meantime make more effort to give her so the intimacy you both should have in a relationship.. Surely a 3 year relationship is worth that! So worse case cenario - you let yourself lose your beautiful sexy gf (that you hopefully love) over your porn habit... Do you want that? OR decide she's not that important to you (poor girl) nd find someone compatible...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): I'm taking sides in this. And it isn't yours. She won't ever meet those people. She doesn't know them. To them she is porn. How can u say that she is being seen by real people but that u watching porn isn't interacting with real people?I HATE porn. It ruins relationships. Stop watching porn. If your girlfriend is so hot then why do you watch it? Do you not get how much it hurts for your boyfriend to want to pleasure himself to porn instead of with your partner? It makes u feel ugly and unwanted and not good enough. If ur gf is what u want then give up porn for the sake of her feelings, or deal with her being porn for other people.I mean jeans, if it hurts her so much why can't you stop? Why is it so much more important to you? Why can't you see her point? She IS doing this to hurt you, because you've hurt her. It's give and take and maybe she is doing it because it makes her feel sex and confident and replenishes the self esteem that you watching porn takes away. What is WRONG with everyone?!?!!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 February 2016):
 My comments:
"She absolutely will not try to see my point at all..." What IS your "point?"
"I pointed out that she would stop doing it if she cared about me...." Just as you discontinued watching porn when she expressed her dissatisfaction?...
"How can I make her see that these two things are totally different?" They're not.
"I'm on the verge of leaving over this." I suspect that she'll help you pack and hold the door for you...
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 February 2016):
 Why is posting photos on the internet worse than watching porn? Well for centuries women are possessions. They stay inside, men go outside and do whatever they want. Women were the ones who got their feet bounded or their clits mutilated. Today many women wear burkas to hide everything. Women are supposed to wait for their husbands and feel grateful that they come home to them. Women who act any other way and fight for freedom are sluts. While men are still men. Unless you live in one of those matrilineal societies, for most of human life history we had been conditioned to feel okay about the lack of equality of men and women when it comes to relationships and self expression. Of course you are not going to feel okay about women who "woman up," and that it sucks that some of your men rights are being taken away. I think the only thing you need to accept is that men and women are made equal now, or working towards it in western countries.
I don't think she's really enjoying taking photos wearing a mask. Some men might have a mask fetish but for me, the face has to be there to be complete. It takes away some of the sexiness when you don't get to see facial expressions. She's just doing it to get you to stop watching porn. And if you want to keep watching porn, it's more likely that you don't like being told what to do so you will do it to be spiteful, than you really need it in your life.
Stop fighting and accept that in relationships there needs to be sacrifices. It's not her fault that she's sexy. You can't compare these two things because men and female brains are different. We have different wants, desires, and fears. There's only relativeness so it's pointless to compare.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): Your post does sound hypocritical, and I think in your follow up you started to see that too. You watching porn upsets her, and you lied about it, which upsets her more. Her getting male attention upsets you, and her pointedly seeking it online makes you even more upset. I think maybe your girlfriend had to go a bit over the top, to show you how your dismissal of her feelings make her feel. How could you say you don't like porn, then string her along for 3 years, and then say that it is too bad, you will be watching porn now and she just has to deal with it?That is a terrible thing to do. In my opinion, your bait and switch is much worse than her tactic of posting anonymous photos online in response to it. Also, you said you are upset because in the porn you watch, the women are anonymous to you, and you are better than every other guy watching out there because you know that you don't have a chance with them. Then you assume every other porn watching guy that sees your girlfriend thinks he could be with her and knows who she is, where she lives, etc? Do you see the fault in your thinking there? Your girlfriend is anonymous to these other guys looking at her, just as your porn ladies are to you. She is making the point that you are gawking at other men's girlfriends/wives/sisters/mothers and think it is ok, but you don't like to put your own out there for men just like you. It is the same, "just accept" that. Like you want her to "just accept" your porn watching 3 yrs after the fact, right?Anyway, I hope you can both talk about this, and you can either both decide to give up the online shenanigans, or just part ways if neither of you can even sacrifice something so insignificant as watching porn or an anonymous online presence for one another. I really do hope you can work this out, truly!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): As a female I would be the same totally offended why watch porn when u can go and have sex with her??? I feel it's cheated if am honest as your sitting with a hard d**k while watching another woman!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): Well everybody is entitled to do what they want just as everybody is entitled to walk away from somebody else's behaviour if they don't like it. Apparently porn is something men enjoy because they are visual creatures doesn't that suggest that men are partly responsible for placing such importance on beauty? And if a woman thinks she isn't as good as some perfect looking porn star then that will make her feel like she's not good enough. Who honestly wants to feel that way.If men think it's their god given right to be able to watch it then I just want to know why you find it that important? It's probably because you love seeing beautiful things, your body is programmed to be aroused by beauty. Then you all get in a huff when women are so obsessed with how they look and how attractive they are to you. Don't place such importance on visual things if you don't want your girlfriend to. You obviously do value appearance or you wouldn't seriously consider choosing porn over a real person.This is exactly why women feel bad because at the root of all of this you have actually said that you think porn is that important that it's just tough if she doesn't like it. I'm sorry you sound like you think it's more important than her. I find it amazing that certain people in society are allowed to get naked and do whatever they want with their bodies but when it comes to a girlfriend the only eyes on her are yours. Well if you want her to lighten up sexually and be more laid back then why don't you lighten up and understand that she isn't cheating with these men who look at her just like you aren't cheating when you look at porn stars.If you think you can do this to satisfy yourself then what's the harm in her doing a little modeling? If women feel good about themselves knowing that they are attractive and look hot then why is it any different than you doing something that makes you feel good. She feels really badly about porn and maybe the best thing for somebody who refuses to even care is to make them feel just as bad. If telling you she doesn't like it makes no difference to you and even when she was crying you just told her tough then now you are feeling just as bad as her.By the way I am a woman and I enjoy porn. One of my exes didn't like porn at all and said after a while it's just boring and sometimes things come on that don't turn you on and it spoils the mood. So not everybody feels the same way as you. Some men really don't need to watch it. As for the comments going round that this is something men do just deal with it well then I'm sorry to say that getting upset by porn is just something women do. Deal with it too.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 February 2016):
 I'm absolutely with WiseOwlE
While I DO agree that MANY men watch porn, I think your excuse it ridiculous. You are basically saying because "all men" like porn you are going to continue to watch it and SHE can just suck it up.
YOU LIED in the beginning of your relationship about not liking/watching porn. And why did you do that? Because you KNEW you would have a better chance at dating her if you claimed to not like/watch porn. SHE dated you because she FELT you two were on the same page with porn. Which is something she abhor.
So now that you "have her" as your partner you presume you can do what you want, and she will just suck it up and stick around... really?
For your GF porn might actually be a deal breaker, whether YOU like it or not. And guess what? YOU broke that deal, first with the lying and then with the deceit.
Let me put it in term you might understand better. Let's say, you are ANTI drugs. You GF tells you she hates drugs too, that she never does drugs. Then once the relationship gets comfortable she starts snorting coke RIGHT off the coffee table. Now she WILL apologize for lying... but hey, it was just a lie right? So you should just suck it up and be happy.....
Some women (and men) get off from being praised, complimented even from strangers of the Internet. One of those women is your GF.
But according to your logic, what she is doing is wrong, and what you are doing is the norm, so OK.
I think you are BOTH in the wrong, but I think what she did, was HER way of showing you HOW you viewing porn feels to her. It's ABSOLUTELY irrelevant that the "actors" in porn are strangers to you. That doesn't make it "more" OK. Because let's face the guys viewing your GF's pictures might be strangers too.
So what do you do?
Well, either you compromise and you BOTH give up the porn and the dirty pictures, or you walk away and find a woman who doesn't give a crap what you watch.
What is more important to you? Watching porn? Or the 3 year relationship with your GF?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): I personally never cared about porn i just assumed all blokes look at it sometimes or probably have a dvd or mag somewhere. As long as it wasn't preferrable to sex with me i'm not bothered. I don't watch it myself but only as i can't take it seriously and end up laughing at its fakeness more than anything else. However,in reading this post in how you describe your feelings about what your gf has done i am imagining this is what some women think about porn. As unhappy as her actions have made you i think is how she feels about you watching porn. Personally i would break up as it seems neither of you is willing to compromise
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): Oh and just to point out, my girlfriend is VERY attractive and we've had issues before with me hating how much male attention she gets when she goes out. So she knew how much this would upset me when she did it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): Thanks to everyone for the advice - quite a list of varied responses there some of which did make me think I must admit.I had another talk/argument with her last night which has given me a bit more information. Firstly, she wore a mask so no-one will know it's her. She posted them to a thread on a forum which is supposed to be around empowering women to feel good naked but it really just filled with disgusting leering men who are looking at her to wank off to. Following on from our conversation it would seem that's how she classifies me too. She pointed out that the women I watch are likely involved with other men, so if I can look at them they can look at her. I hate it but I don't really have an answer to that. I am really struggling with this but I'm also struggling to come up with any valid arguments as to why it's worse for her to show her body than it is for me to look. To me it just IS. I know I don't have a chance with the women I watch but these creeps will be thinking they do have a chance with my girlfriend and they'll be thinking about having their hands all over MY girlfriend's body and I can't stand it. Then she says she feels the same about me imagining putting my hands on another woman/porn star. But those are anonymous women so it's not the same - we're talking about her putting HER body out there to be sexualised. I accept its not quite cheating but it's pretty damn close in my book.It just seems like a very extreme way to react to me and I can't believe she'd deliberately hurt me like that. She claims she isn't trying to hurt me although she admitted she is happy that I now know how she feels about my watching porn. But again it just feels different to me. Like she needs other men to look at her to make her feel wanted when surely me wanting her should be enough?Keep the advice coming folks I think I'm going to need it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): This sounds to me like someone who has been steadily grooming their girlfriend and wants to incredibly lay the blame at the womens feet.
You poor hapless fella .
You just couldnt stop looking at porn and then lo and behold your doing a back up rant because your girl is now on the net provocatively plying her wares.
It must have so shocked you.
Kind of like going to the bakery every day and finding the bread is fresh , not stale,
It sure sounds like a granny story to me.
I expect your next post to say she"s selling it and it guts you to take the money.
There is a total lack of respect to all women in your mentality .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): As a woman myself, who has discovered my boyfriend with porn, it does not feel good.To us, it's like saying "You're not good enough so I'm going to watch these naked women who you're never going to look like"I understand for men, that's not how it is at all but that's why women get so upset by it. It's a huge slap in the face and makes us feel ugly and unwanted!She's probably insecure about herself, as most women are, that's why she's retaliated in such a way. You want to leave her because of that? Imagine if she turned around and said "You watch porn, i'm leaving you" you'd think how ridiculous that is. You're being ridiculous by wanting to leave her, for her posting a photo online. You both need to sit down and talk it out, come to some agreement about this.
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female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (24 February 2016):
Sorry mate but this reads like " Freaky Friday" as in now you know how it feels to be in the skin of another. Her pain is now your pain. If you are adamant that porn will continue to be the third person in the relationship then perhaps it's for the best to walk away now.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (24 February 2016):
Wow! I've actually written about this before when trying to explain how some women feel about porn and here is a real live example of it.
I'd like to start off by saying that I personally have no issue with porn and I even watch it myself. So your assumption that women don't like porn is wrong right there.
It was also very wrong for you to lie. You might not get why some women don't like it, but that doesn't mean you can write off their opinions. Your girlfriend cared enough to state it as a potential dealbreaker at the start of your relationship and you decided to lie to get what you wanted (her) instead of being upfront. That is simply not ok and I can see why she's angry at you - you misrepresented yourself to get her then expected her to just accept it. But you know all that.
The problem you have now is that you feel she is giving 'what's yours' as part of a committed relationship to other men. What you don't understand or want to acknowledge is that she feels the exact same way about you watching porn. It all comes down to the differences between the way men and women get turned on.
Men get turned on by looking at, or desiring women. Yet women get turned on by feeling desired BY men. So many women feel betrayed if their partners give that desire to other women, even through porn, because it makes them feel that they are not as desired by you as they originally thought. In their minds, you are effectively choosing other women over them. It might not be completely rational considering that these women are online and most men will never meet them, yet isn't that your girlfriend's argument about these men that will be looking at her?
It is, whether you agree or not, the other side of the same coin. As a man, you get turned on by desiring women and you feel that as your girlfriend, you should be the only one to get to desire her sexually. That's the same as her feeling like she should be the only one YOU desire sexually.
I actually don't believe either of the two of these things are cheating, but I do think you are both showing the same level of disregard for each other's feelings which is never a good thing in a relationship. I also believe that you should actually stop, take a deep breath and realise, whether it's rational or not, that the way you feel now is pretty much exactly how she feels about porn. So while I disagree with her methods, she's effectively succeeded in forcing you to feel as upset as she does.
The logical step to me would be for you to both give these things up. I mean is porn really that important to you? Some people seem to view it as a civil right or something, when it's a relatively new invention. Humans survived for centuries without it and they can again.
If it is, well then you are well within your rights to leave and find someone you are more compatible with. Just don't lie the next time!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): I can't speak for her or any other woman but I can only speak for myself. I don't like porn because from the little bit I've seen, and that was through the guys I've been with ywho liked it, the woman on there were unrealistic-looking and they were all about gobbling down some cock, having a spray all over themselves in their boobs or face. They were all about riding the guy and masturbating while the cock was jammed into her mouth and so on, usually ma-player cuddly no from what I've seen, there was absolutely no foreplay or cuddling or talking, it was all about the guy and that was what gave the pornstars pleasure. those men I know who watched a lot of it fully expected that from every woman they know, they were the type of guy who basically objectified women. I understand that sometimes guys want to skip the foreplay, have a woman raring to go but when I and other women have done this for them they want that all the time. Too many men think women are demanding for wanting oral, or not orgasming through vaginal sex, or not swallowingn or that they are demanding I'm too high maintenance for wanting foreplay.I have had too many men genuinely not know what foreplay was and too many more tell me that that is just b******* that some fashion magazine told us we needed to make us feel powerful. I was told that someone is good because they don't have to hear the girl talk and that they don't have to mess around with cuddling and romancing or any of that. she has her reasons for not liking it, but I don't know if you asked her why or told her what you liked about it.well, you should have told her that youdo like warm so she would have had the chance to give you a choice between her and that. she may not have actually posted pictures and I hope she did not because her tit for tat really just harmed her by making her an object. I would break up with her if I were you, just because you seem to think porn is that much more important. just curious, what is it that you like about it?
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (24 February 2016):
 So let me get this straight... she catches you doing something wrong and instead of talking about it in a rational manner, she goes out, gets (semi) naked and posts her pictures on the internet and you are only "thinking" about leaving?
This does NOT sound like a healthy relationship to me. Or at least one that will survive all the trials and tribulations that life can throw at you.
What do you think she'd do if she thought you were cheating on her with another person? I wouldn't put it past her to fling a new boyfriend in your face the minute you step out of line.
It is times like these -- where there is a conflict -- that really should make you take pause and ask yourself, "When the chips are down and I mess up what is my love going to do?"
I think the answer is pretty clear here and her reaction to your faults leads me to believe you are headed for a world of heart break sometime down the future. Hurting another person when they are at fault is rarely a good response.
Eddie
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): I think what she did in protest is detrimental to her own reputation and credibility. Quite over the top, to say the least. She made a point, but at her own expense. How is letting strange men gawk at her body, exposing herself on the internet, and throwing away her dignity remotely a means of resolving an issue in her relationship?
Why the hell did you lie about watching porn; then get caught watching porn? That was dumb!
Well, I'm sick of all the posts about porn-envy. It's futile. Guys like it. So there!
It's a male habit that sucks, but it's a reality women may as well come to terms with. They'll do in secret, if you deny them to have it. Guys like jerking off. That's what porn is for. You'd understand if you had a dick! I don't like porn. I don't need it. I've got a hot boyfriend. He doesn't need it, he's got me! If he uses it, I don't care.
My love-life is the best I've ever had!
As for men who like porn too much? They pay a price. They become desensitized to real-sex; because pulling your pud time and time again makes you lose feeling for a real vagina, or any other orifice. It can be a sex-aid, as long as you don't over-indulge. Problem is, it can become habit-forming; but men don't like admitting that.
You get instant and frequent orgasms; but when it comes time for sex with a partner, you're all spent. You've satisfied yourself, and now she or he doesn't matter, you've got your nut. So who cares? Right? WRONG!!!
I don't care about the stupid reasons women don't like porn.
However; they are most often justified. Comparing themselves to fantasy figures makes no sense, that's the stupid part. Feeling that's what men want and desire is totally off the mark. Men are visual-creatures; so seeing sex in progress with a fantasy lady and/or guy is a turn-on. Fess up guys, you like being able to see another guy's dick too! Don't pretend you don't!
Men are sickening when they have the audacity to jerk-off from porn all damned day, and then deny their partners sex. Because they're all dried-up!!! Their dick is all raw and numb, and no longer has any feeling left in it!!! So actual sex becomes work, no pleasure. Women sometimes take too long to orgasm, or just don't. So porn becomes a non-demanding alternative. You get-off as often as you like and no complaints. It really isn't as good as it seems.
Posts never stop coming in about it.
For gay men, they can't maintain a hard-on when having sex with a guy, or become total bottoms. They know what I mean.
Give up the porn, if you want to keep your girlfriend. If you never saw the actual videos; "she could be pulling your pud." It may have never really happened. In any case, you're a big ole hypocrite.
Now toss your porn, kiss and make up. You know you both love each other.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): I can kind of see both sides to this. I don't mind porn and I actually enjoy watching it, more so as I've gotten older. But I have a different perspective on it than some women, I think it would make me a voyeur, not that I watch them because they have better bodies than my partner and I don't fancy him. It's because I like to watch what they are doing to each other and I suppose imagining it being done to me. Even me saying all of that makes me a bit uncomfortable because I feel weird being a woman that actually likes it. But that is my brain and they are my feelings, I didn't programme myself to feel that way about it all, god knows why I do. It's just a subconscious thing I have no control over. I'm glad I feel that way and I'm not a jealous person as far as other peoples looks are concerned but if her subconscious thoughts and her feelings are different then that's just the way she is.I don't think it's something she should be ashamed of or she's the bad guy not allowing you to watch it as at the start of the relationship you lied about it. Maybe porn is a deal breaker and seeing as she did ask you at the start she may have decided she'd rather not be with a guy who would watch something she hates. It was her choice so you shouldn't have lied.Regardless of why it makes her feel bad it, it makes her feel bad! So instead of being angry and adamantly telling her you will never stop watching it why don't you ask her why she feels so badly about it. I'm sure if you sat down and tried to acknowledge her feelings and doing your best to understand the underlying issue you could try and sort out some kind of compromise. Maybe you'd find out that her previous partner had an addiction to it which had a detrimental effect on their sex life. Or that somebody preferred to watch it over being with her.If she is insecure and it's something she needs to try and overcome then you desiring other women in porn will only make her feel worse. Porn stars have bodies that I think most people feel are ideal or perfect, maybe when she thinks about that it makes her feel like her body doesn't live up to them.I think it's a bit extreme her posing for photos but why is it different that other men look at this and have some kind of sexual attraction when that's exactly what you are doing to other women. It probably makes you feel angry that other men have their eyes all over her but aren't you just the same when you look at porn? You think it's wrong that they are seeing something only you should see but she probably thinks that she's the only naked person you should see.Bottom line is she brought this up, she obviously brought it up because it's something she feels strongly about. You shouldn't have lied then let her make her mind up. There are women who like porn and if you wanted you could have found somebody who was ok with it saving any upset feelings in the future. I suggest putting on porn more than my boyfriend and to be honest it wouldn't surprise me if he never watched it when he was on his own. So everybody is different.If you get past this after finding out why she feels this way I find that watching things together is far better than doing it in secret. Suggest she watch it with you and I'm sure you'd actually enjoy that more than doing it in secret. If that doesn't work then ask whether you prefer having a girlfriend or would you prefer to be single and watch as much as you want. She's already gone to the extreme of taking these photos which I'm guessing she'll really regret! You say you are considering leaving but I feel she may be considering that too after getting that wound up.No you aren't a bad person for watching it but you really need to try and understand her instead of being stubborn and telling her you don't care what she feels you're still gonna do it.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 February 2016):
The direct parallel is that she watches porn also, then you are both even. Since she knows that you won't be upset if she watches porn, she decides to do something that would really get to you.
She's upset about porn because she feels compared to the porn actresses. She's afraid that she's not enough, or you are not attracted to her if you need porn. Being in a relationship the other person is the only person you ever get turned on to.
While I don't think watching porn equals cheating, I don't think posting sexy pictures online is cheating either. If her face is blurred out she may say it's anonymous but if it's not, then her uncles and cousins could be seeing them too. Both watching porn and posting sexy pics are harmful to a relationship but in this case it hurts her more because she's the one exposed and those pics can't ever be taken down.
She felt deceived that she's with you 3 years then found out you actually liked porn when you lied about it at the beginning. Then when she said it hurt her feelings you did not agree to stop. Refusing to stop and reclaiming your right to watch porn is not manning up. It's just a sign that you are incompatible and she felt you misrepresented yourself at the beginning.
Either you leave now or not, this relationship can't survive if you can't come to a resolution. She can not see that these two things are different because porn hurts her with the same intensity as you knowing other men are watching her pics. She's not just trying to hurt you. She wanted you to see her point.
Are you sure most women hate porn? If you "man up" and say you like porn at the beginning, wouldn't it mean that you mostly won't get into a relationship and if so is that why you lied? Does man up mean you don't care about a woman's feelings?
I think men (with a dominant male brain, with a desire for freedom and doesn't want to be controlled) and women (with a dominant female brain who is afraid of female competition and not being the most beautiful) have to meet in the middle. If both persist on manning up and womaning up, there will be no more relationships but perhaps would be a guarantee that you get to watch porn for the rest of your life. Maybe that's a better alternative for you.
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female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (24 February 2016):
 I understand how your girlfriend might have felt hurt and betrayed by you viewing porn when you initially told her you didn't like it, but her attempt to get back you isn't the least bit ok. Some women do feel porn is in a sense, cheating. That's how I'm assuming your girlfriend is taking it. But posting provocative pictures of herself online is dangerous and unhealthy. She could seriously mess her life up over this need for revenge. What if she's recognized by a friend? A colleague? Having said that, Sir, not every man looks at porn and no, I am not delusional. You cannot generalize this habit as every man is of course different. You were wrong by engaging in behavior that your girlfriend had told you she found offensive. You should have told her the truth from the start. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it is to her. What if, for example, you were turned off by nose picking? Walked in on your girlfriend one day digging for a diamond, confronted her and were told by her that she saw nothing with it and would continue no matter what your feelings were. Wouldn't you think it a bit...selfish? Relationships work best with communication and compromise. If she can't stand you watching porn and you can't live without it, that seems like a major issue. Honestly, you're both wrong in this. You for lying to her and her for taking revenge.Talk to her, find out why it bothers her so much and in turn, explain to her why her actions are hurting you. After three years together, there should be more love and respect between the two of you. If you truly love her and want to be with her, find a way to get past this issue. Love is hard to come by. Compromise if you can! And if it's truly a deal breaker for your lady, time to ask yourself which is more important.
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