A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone :)I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years now and things are going alright. i have a slight dilemma though. My girlfriend is really innocent and she says she prefers being innocent than anything else. The thing is, i love being physically close to her and she is very shy with initiating things. Even to this day, i'll have to initiate things. I don;t mind it as i love to make sure she is happy and comforted at all times. The problem is, she won't let me do anything toooo physical. I really want to advance in our relationship and yes i do believe that having this physical contact will help you become closer to each other. It was like our first kiss. Took me about 3 months to get there but when we did, we became closer. At one point in life, she let me be very very physical with her. I thought she was happy cause she would always say that 'oh that feels nice' or 'that's the spot' so i would always be happy that she was feeling comfortable and physically satisfied. This was around the 21 month mark. After 6 months of continually thinking i was physically pleasuring her, she took me aside and had a talk with me stating that she never found it nice in the first place and wanted me to stop. I was sad and angry. Sad cause i honestly felt like a rapist who was just doing it for my own pleasure and angry cause she never told me from the start. Please understand that i do respect my girlfriend a lot. After that occurred i told her that i would move at a pace she was comfortable with and would ensure that she was happy at all times. So yeah.. that went along but physically... we never really moved forward physically or emotionally..Once again i am a guy who believes that being physically close to someone allows you to be emotionally closer to them. Now i just need to know what i could do to make her feel more physically comfortable with doing some things that we could both enjoy. Please understand that i don't want to have sex. We both have morals to be virgins till marriage and i'm completely fine with that. I just want to help her get out of this innocence phase and maybe try something new that we could both do together. I honestly do not have a girlfriend to physically satisfy myself. I can ensure you that i do treat her with a lot of love and respect and she does that same for me, but i think physically we are not on the same page and i would really love for us to do something about that. Do you have any ideas or tips for me about this? Thanks very much. I know it's a lot to read and i appreciate your time and effort. Take care everyone.
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female
reader, terradoll  +, writes (14 March 2013):
I hate to say this, but your girlfriend sounds repressed. It almost seems a form of psychological abuse for her to tell you that she felt like you were a rapist when in fact you are expressing healthy desire and love for her.
I am a female, and quite involved in female health and issues of women's rights. 1 out of every 4 women will be sexually abused in their life. This may not be the case with with your girlfriend, though it sounds like it very might well be and could explain the way she is. BUT! Even if true this does not give her the right to project this onto you. This attitude is not prevalent among people choosing to save themselves and likely will not change after marriage.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (12 March 2013):
You do seem quite apologetic about your need for a physical aspect to this relationship: don’t be. No-one assumes you don’t respect her and value her feelings, or are in any way wrong for wanting that. In fact, at least you’re being honest about your feelings and what you are hoping for from this relationship.
I wonder if you perhaps missed a trick when she mentioned her unhappiness with the level of physical intimacy in your relationship?
You said you were sad, angry and upset. That’s hardly surprising, and you did the decent thing by saying you’d do whatever it took to make her happy. You should instead have tried to tell her how you honestly felt about this, and talked with her about what the physical intimacy means to you. It’s not too late to have that conversation now. Perhaps she associates sexual contact with loss of innocence and leading towards sex. Perhaps what she doesn’t understand is that when some-one wants to be physical with some-one, it’s not just to please a biological impulse. It is a symbol of your love for that person. You want to be close to her in every way. Your wish to be physical with her is absolutely correlated to your wish to be close to her emotionally, spiritually and in any other way. I think if you explain this to her it might open up a more constructive dialogue about advancing the physical aspects to this relationship. If you want or need this, don’t feel you can’t say so. You need to be completely open with each other about this.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 March 2013):
 Sadly I think you have done everything you can to try to get her to try more things...
i'm sorry but I'm betting that she's not receptive to this and won't be even after marriage... I personally think that some folks are just not comfortable with their bodies and being physical.
if you are hopelessly devoted to her then I suggest couples counseling to discuss it and figure out how to fix it... if she won't go or she goes and yet shuts you down each time, then you need to consider that you are not going to ever get what you want from her even when married.
does she have a history of trauma either physical, emotional or sexual?
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