A
male
age
36-40,
*onystarkben
writes:We got back from a holiday to Florida yesterday and the past few days she had been feeling sick - we put it down to something she ate or the heat but i got her a test to put my mind at rest. She did 2 in the airport in the morning and they came back saying positive by 3 plus weeks.She then told me that she didn't want me to be mad but she knew she was pregnant before we went away - she had missed a period and did a test but she wanted me to enjoy our holiday.I asked her if she had taken her pill everyday and she got upset saying i was trying to make it out like she was to blame... I am 24 and my girlfriend is 19 and we have been dating for about 3 months - i do love her but to be honest i like kids but i never really wanted them... I like to go away and not worry about stuff and be spontaneous maybe thats selfish but that's how i am.I asked Lou what she wanted to do and she said there is no way she is having a termination. I said about adoption ( i was adopted so i know a bit about it) but she said she doesn't want to do that either.Lou is studying and has all these plans for the future like going to Africa to volunteer in 6 months, we are going travelling, going to my brother's wedding in Australia, her getting a new job etc and i tried telling her that we can kiss all these things goodbye - our entire future. I have an ok job and live in a house share with a friend.She said it's not the baby's fault and she will have to give these things up - i know some girls are happy getting pregnant and living off benefits etc but without sounding rude, Lou is better than that - she has done all the studies and secured a place at uni and i don't want to see her give all that up.She admitted she didn't want a child this young but now she has to deal with it. She said i don't have to stay and she will do it on her own if i leave.I just don't know what to do or think. She was on the pill everyday so it's not like we didn't use precautions. She wants to tell her parents soon and i feel like everything is falling apart.
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (5 July 2012):
I have just read your question again and I want to say that I think its downright cruel that she didnt tell you she was pregnant when she found out, if it was me I would tell the boyfriend straight away, its only fair and its like its left you both with even less time to discuss this and talk about any options you might have. like other people have said, its not fair for your whole life to be changed because of this, especially if your heart is not in it (and understandably so). talk to her, and let us know what happens please
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): It took two to tango, and it also took both of you to not discuss the pregnancy topic before you had sex like you should have. You both are guilty of that one.
I vote to tell her you intend to give up your parental rights. Don't let her force you into raising a child against your will. She has options that don't involve taking away the next 20 years of your life. She might be more likely to take them if she knew you aren't going to go along with her preferred plan.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): It takes two to tango. You need to step up one way or the other. I would advise against the adoption route, because a kid without a stable father figure has a greater likelihood of becoming a delinquent or drug user.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): I really think you should consult a lawyer about legally signing away your parental rights. if successful that should release you from child support payments and all obligations.
you should not be having to pay child support for the next 18-21 years just because she made her own personal decision to carry through and have this child against your objections.
I mean, if she decides to carry the pregnancy through because she wants to have the child, that's great but that's HER personal decision. I dont' think it's right for you to have to pay child support when you stated to her clearly that you did not want this pregnancy to be carried through only she did. I believe it would be morally wrong of her (or any hypothetical woman you got pregnant) to say "I know you want this pregnancy to be terminated, but since I want to follow through and have and raise this child therefore YOU have to be paying me for the next 18 years to support him/her."
whether you will succeed in signing away your parental rights depends on your situation. I think in most places, you can only do it if the other parent agrees to it and signs something saying that. If she refuses to allow you to sign away your rights (because many women would/should NOT allow their baby daddies to get out of paying child support), then you won't be able to and you'll be obligated to pay child support.
But if she agrees to release you from all obligations and essentially walk away from all this no strings attached, then I think you can successfully do it and be no longer be considered in the eyes of the law to be this child's father. But again, you should consult a lawyer about this. In fact there are also situations where both people are happy with having one of them released from all legal parental obligations to the child they both made (for example she may want another man in her life to be the child's legal father not just the stepfather).
So it goes both ways. Signing away parental rights is certainly an option that can lead to better lives for everyone involved including the child. there can't be a one size fits all solution for every unwanted pregnancy (meaning either terminate or else carry through and the man is obligated no matter against his will), there has to be flexibility. Who wants to have a family built on resentment and held together by obligation and guilt and nothing else?
if she wants to carry through with the pregnancy and become a mother, that's great , good for her and that's her personal choice. But I don't feel it is right for her or ANYONE ELSE to alter your life just because she decided to alter hers.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 July 2012):
You've got 18 years at least of paying about 15% of your wage to her for the child.
My advice? Get working, get your career on the go, get everything you can together, get money together, and do the best you can for the child.
Also, decide whether you actually want to do anything 'father' wise. Do you want to step up? Or do you want to just hide and pay the money and that's it? Don't do what some men do which is to fleet in and out of the child's life.
That's all I can say really.
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (3 July 2012):
I feel for you, I really do.if I was a guy this would be one of my worst fears, girl I barely know had got knocked up and having no influence or say in what happens next. I would feel the exact same way as you, despairing, upset and really really scared.
all I can advise (and I know other people might not agree with me) is that you give her the reasons why this isnt a good idea. you have been together only 3 months, ask her does she think you will be together the rest of your lives, what is she going to do about uni, she wont be able to go out with her friends/holidays etc., the changes to her body and of course the expenses.
you could both see a pregnancy counsellor together, Brook or I think theres a place called BPAS who would also give free pregnancy counselling. if she doesnt agree to that then I dont see how she is mature enough to have a baby. and she is very young. I am 23 and I would freak out if I got pregnant.
I also would ask her if she has thought this out properly, it sounds as though she has made a very rash decision about the rest of her life. best of luck and do let us know how you get on please, take care x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): "I asked her if she had taken her pill everyday and she got upset saying i was trying to make it out like she was to blame... "She isn't to blame, YOU are because you failed to control YOUR fertility when you didn't put a cap on it. "I am 24 and my girlfriend is 19 and we have been dating for about 3 months - i do love her but to be honest i like kids but i never really wanted them... I like to go away and not worry about stuff and be spontaneous maybe thats selfish but that's how i am."Unfortunately you're now about to have a kid you don't really want with a knocked-up teenager who is still essentially a total stranger to you because you wanted to be spontaneous and not worry about stuff like putting a cap on it. "i know some girls are happy getting pregnant and living off benefits etc but without sounding rude, Lou is better than that - she has done all the studies and secured a place at uni and i don't want to see her give all that up."Without sounding rude, if she's better than that then why didn't you ensure and protect your future by putting a cap on it?"She admitted she didn't want a child this young but now she has to deal with it. She said i don't have to stay and she will do it on her own if i leave."YOU also have deal with it; gf doesn't have the right to deny a child his/her right to have a father in his/her life nor does she have the right to burden taxpayers to support your kid while you get off scot free when you're the one who didn't put a cap on it. "I just don't know what to do or think. She was on the pill everyday so it's not like we didn't use precautions." It's not like "we" didn't use precautions, it's like YOU didn't use precautions when you didn't put a cap on it."She wants to tell her parents soon and i feel like everything is falling apart."Everything IS falling apart. Right now all you know about the rest of your life is whatever plans you previously had for the rest of your life have just suddenly flown out the window. Sorry, but that's the risk unmarried couples of weeks duration take when they have sex regardless of whether girl is on the pill or not, especially when the guy doesn't put a cap on it. Only method of birth control that's 100% effective is abstinence. All you can do is act in what you believe to be the best interests of an unplanned, unwanted child who will be born into a unstable, uncertain living situation because his/her father didn't put a cap on it. Cerberus is right, asking the exact same question as a couple days ago is going to elicit the exact same responses you didn't want to hear, only now expressed in blunter and snarkier and ruder terms.My thoughts and prayers are with an innocent child who had no choice in the circumstances surrounding his/her conception; his/her father did, but he couldn't be bothered to put a cap on it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): Well she has pretty much made up her mind about this, if she wants to tell family it sounds like you probably won't get her to change her mind.I think you need to try to stop thinking of why this shouldn't be happening and start thinking about adjusting because is she has 100% made up her mind, you can tell her over and over for 9 months all the reasons to not have this baby but it will eventually be born and you will need to be prepared.Ask yourself, do you want to be with her and the baby? Do you think you could adjust to being a parent? What are you going to do if you decide to stay or leave?Think calmly and carefully about your options if she does have this baby rather than thinking about the option of keeping the baby or not because choice seems out of your hands this time.Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): http://www.dearcupid.org/question/weve-been-dating-3-months-and-now-shes.html
This the exact same question, go read the responses you got on that.
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