A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for one and a half years. I no longer want to be in the relationship as it feels destructive and neither of us are happy, however whenever I try to end it she guilts me back into it by describing how I've ruined her life by wasting her time and threatening to kill herself.She has just finished her final year of university (I'm only in my first), and her parents live in another country, so she has to decide whether to stay in this country just for me. After her final exams she went to stay with nearby relatives to attend and wedding and will not be back by Monday, so I took this opportunity to tell her over the phone that I did not think we should continue (every time we have a bad fight it has become normal for her to beg me to leave her alone after which she smashes a glass on the floor and cuts herself and I come in and restrain her, last time she dragged a belt along the floor I think looking for somewhere to hang herself).Now she is telling me she wants to kill herself and goes through phases of listing everything horrible about me to saying how much she loves me to saying she's going to saying she'll send me a video of her killing herself as that's what I've wanted all along.I'm not sure how to end this, as she has lost most of her friends and has little support. She has tried to get professional help in the past but none have been very successful. We have a housing contract together till the end of June (we live alone), and I am unsure if I should leave before she gets back (she says she's going to cover the walls in her blood for when I live there with friends next year)or if I should be there to ensure she does not hurt herself (either getting back together with her or not).I know my being there exacerbates the situation, and when I do restrain her she becomes physically abusive, but I do care about her and do not want her to hurt herself, and I'm very aware she does not have many friends here and she shouldn't be alone. She also does not know what to do with her life (having just finished a degree in a subject she does not enjoy) and has no direction/future plan.Any advice would be great.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2012): Friend,
I apologize if this is a repost.
Leave, and never look back.
Your relationship is strikingly similar to my last one (certain aspects) - at least in her behavior which you've described.
Just tell her you can no longer be with her. Cut all contact. Go Ghost on her.
She sounds BPD. I'm currently in a legal battle with my obviously BPD ex. Who, broke up with me (for 50th time), filed a false restraining order one day after, and has broken it by contacting me almost daily since. I'm $1500 in debt from a break up with her, you can only imagine what else I've lost - not to mention my sanity while actually being with her, trying to understand what is impossible to comprehend, and will drive one mad if one attempts to. She's crazy. Get out. She won't kill herself, she's afraid of abandonment, but she'd leave you in a minute if a better opportunity presented itself, not that that'll make you feel any better, but just know she is not who you think she is, nor who you see her as, or who you think she may become, or thought she was, she is her disorder, her mental instability, and you must get away from it until it destroys you too.
I didn't take the warnings of people and was/am in in a situation very similar to yours.
This last insane action of hers finally made me realize it was just time to let go. You are only responsible for yourself, and your happiness.
Take it from me, who suffered a year long relationship with someone similar (suicide threats when I'd try to leave, violent outbursts, witnessing her self-harm, etc...), that has only ended a week or two ago.
Just break it off, and don't look back, and DO NOT contact her. No matter what you think or feel. You will find someone better, and will be better once you're past this. Change your phone number if you have to. Delete her on facebook, myspcae, etc...
You've tried, and she's unstable, and will not change, things will only get worse, and before it does, get out.
Message me if you need to talk. I know how hard it is to be in this situation. I'm only 23 btw, so if you're younger too, maybe I can relate to you more. Or I can give you some resources for help with this type of situation, that has helped me.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2012): Friend,Leave, and never look back.Your relationship is strikingly similar to my last one - at least in her behavior which you've described.Just tell her you can no longer be with her. Cut all contact. Go Ghost on her.She sounds BPD. I'm currently in a legal battle with my BPD ex. Who, broke up with me (for 50th time), filed a false restraining order one day after, and has broken it by contacting me almost daily since.I didn't take the warnings of people and was in a situation very similar to yours.This last insane action of hers finally made me realize it was just time to let go. You are only responsible for yourself, and your happiness.Take it from me, who suffered a year long relationship with someone similar (suicide threats when I'd try to leave, violent outbursts, witnessing her self-harm, etc...), that has only ended a week or two ago.Just break it off, and don't look back, and DO NOT contact her. Change your phone number if you have to. Delete her on facebook, myspcae, etc...You've tried, and she's unstable, and will not change, things will only get worse, and before it does, get out.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (7 June 2012):
 Leave ASAP, it's not your job to worry about her when she's gone, she can't make you stay because of threats, what kind of relationship is that? That you're only together to stop her from 'killing herself'?
If you're not happy, then leave, whatever she does after that, is not your problem.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012): My ex- if you leave me I will kill myself.
Me-So?
Ex-What do you mean so? It will be your fault and you'll be sorry then.
Me-haha no I won't. You're the one who will have killed yourself not me so it wouldn't be my fault at all because suicide is the decision of that person alone therefore I'd have nothing to feel bad about.
Ex-I don't believe you, you're not that cold hearted.
Me-of course not but it's really rather simple. You see I'm leaving you for good, I'm cutting you out of my life for good and that will hurt but its being done. Now I'm losing you forever anyway so it really doesn't make any difference to me whether you're dead or alive because either way you're out of my life. This discussion is over you know where I stand, we're done and anything that happens in your life after this moment is nothing to do with me and I simply don't care anymore. Goodbye.
See what I did there OP? Rock, paper, scissors. Rock is logic and scissors is emotion. Logic always beats emotion so stop throwing up scissors all the time because you're just stuck in this stalemate.
She won't kill herself and you know what? If she's that much of a prick that she'd kill herself to spite you then the world is a better place without her. Cruel but it's the best attitude to have if you want escape her clutches, it worked for me but of course I never said that directly to her. Cut her off, enough of this crap she'll never heal or figure out what she's doing is not the right way to do things if you keep letting it work on you. You're actually being an asshole by not setting her free OP this is not good for her yet you refuse to let her go. You're refusing her the chance of real happiness and a good future because you're pandering to emotions she seems to have no control over. So in effect you're actually being cruel to her and keeping her unhappy. Walk away.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (6 June 2012):
 You are not responsible for your gf's behaviour. She is emotionally blackmailing you.
Pack your stuff and get out while she is away. If she continues to threaten to kill herself, then report her to the police or lifeline.
You are going to have to be very strong, stop all contact with her, if need be change your mobile number and email addresses.
This is a toxic relationship, it is you that will pay the price, so please take the time now to pack and run!
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (6 June 2012):
 Most people who threaten this attention seeking stuff end up doing nothing. They take it so far just to get the attention they need and then when they get it they miraculously manage to stop trying to kill themselves, put the razor blade down, untangle the rope etc etc. This is not to say that people do not finish themselves off but 9 times out of 10 they will do this alone without an audience as they are serious about their intention. Girls of a certain age often do this kind of stuff to gain attention and also to test the strength of the man's feelings towards them so they can prove to themselves that they have the upper hand. My advice is whilst she is away get your stuff out of the house and sever all contact.It doesn't matter if you have a joint tenancy or not get the hell out. She will endlessly text you and ring but don't respond. I imagine for whatever reason the girl is depressed but you have done enough and it is no longer your problem. If she is ill she can go back and stay with her family to recover. Do not be drawn into this toxic relationship again. I am sure you will find that she manages to stop doing all these things and functions quite normally in your absence and only turns this way to get you back. Do not be deceived.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (6 June 2012):
 If I were you I would pack all my stuff when she is gone and get the hell out of Dodge. You are being held hostage by this demon-possessed freak. Move far away and move quickly. Do not leave a trail of breadcrumbs or a forwarding address. You are not responsible for the outcome and you cannot continue to live like a prisoner to her schzophrenia. If she kills herself she probably would have sooner or late but my guess is she won't. Most people who threaten never do. It's all part of their emotional manipulation which gives them total control over you. Don't look back just move forward.
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