A
male
age
30-35,
*Nick
writes:I am a touchy person. It's how I express myself best. I play guitar in my spare time, I am in school to be a physical therapist. My mouth doesn't open without my hands moving. Quite frankly 100% of the time I'm expressing myself through my hands.My girlfriend off and on since June kinda hates it. It's caused numerous fights between us. She always says she wants her own space, etc. etc. Doesn't understand why when we drive somewhere my hand is on her thigh or holding her hand.So I've cut back. I don't really try to even touch her in public, even when we go out to parties (or at the very least not until we're both sufficiently drunk to not care).The problem is, even when we lay down for bed at night, she doesn't want to cuddle. She doesn't kiss me the way other girls have kissed me. And I hate to compare, but honestly it makes me feel like she doesn't want me. There's no passion. She says since we broke up in the summer she's changed and grown up and is not just all about sex any more.So I've talked to her about all of this. She pulled the "Well it's because I've only dated and done stuff with a**holes in the past. I don't know how to respond to you let alone act towards you."She says she does want me and I know she loves me but I want her to make me feel it. Because I have fallen in love with her too. We both come from pretty miserable backgrounds and have done some really terrible things in regards to our college hook up/dating days. We get each other and connect in a way that I haven't been able to achieve with anyone else, so it's not just as simple as setting an ultimatum or walking away.Essentially, I'm fulfilling her needs completely, so she loves me and doesn't want me to leave. She is leaving many of my needs unfulfilled and doesn't understand why I am unhappy with our relationship when she is so happy. I love her a lot, and would not contemplate leaving the relationship at this time, but something needs to change for me.I have told her these things point blank. How can I make her understand these things without it leading to more fighting?Thanks,Nick.
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female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (5 November 2015):
 Hi Nick,
You sound like a few guys that I know of, in fact I have a few guyfriends a lot like you. My guess immediately when you said youre a touchy guy is that youre probably the emotional one in the relationship, the one with better interpersonal skills and from the way you write, youre a really expressive guy. From what youve told us I'm guessing your GF is the more rational than emotion, probably more direct and independent. I'm also guessing thats why you love her and why youre attracted to her. Sometimes we like someone slightly different from us and I understood completely when you said that you guys connected from what you did back in your college/hook up days. Which sounds like you guys did some bad stuff and connected through that understanding.
That said, I dont necessarily see that you guys can work out together. It truly Doesn't matter how similar your background is or how mentally connected you are, if you guys are not romantically/physically connected then its going to be lifelong struggle. Having each other needs met is important. If you are the giver (which I know you are ) and she is the reciever and is not willing to recieve what you offer as a man, which is your body and affection ....you really have to find the girl who can. She may be completely diff from you, but its important that we need find someone who can meet our physical needs as well as our emotional needs. I think if you continue to date her you will start resenting her physical rejections, also dont ever hold back from who you are. If she says she doesnt like holding your hand, dont restrict yourself from not taking her hand to make her happy. So far I can see youre unhappily holding back, making you resentful and unsatisfied, and also codependent. If only a few months of dating and you already feel this frustrated emotionally and physically, I think you should leave her and find someone more appreciative of you. Not because shes not a good gf because it sounds like there is some compatibility but because youre both very different on the expression levels. You need appreciation, she is just craving space. I dont necessarily think she is cold but she isnt even getting your radar/sensing your masculine energy.
Example of this is my ex and I (he is also a giver and highly emotional guy & a good person), even though we didnt have similar backgrounds...we both never even connected mentally on a colleague level and even had diff humor...but the emotional and physical connection was beyond anything I have ever felt. We had the type of relationship where if his hand was seeking mine in the dark while cuddling, I would take his hand even turn around to kiss him because he was being thoughtful. We anticipated each other's touch and was so willing to recieve each other and the passion was beyond anything I have ever felt. Moments like that I know I can never ever date a unemotional, non responsive,selfish man. When you FEEL it, youll know it. I dont think youre feeling that connection, I'm sorry but only advice here is to continue to date and find that zing. Its not about chemistry but when you have that physical emotional connection, you know you CANT just settle. After my experience with my ex I also stopped seeking smart men, the emotional and physically side of a relationship is much much more interesting to me now.
I dont feel from your question that your GF can change and its not really up to you to change her. People are just diff and you can try stick it out but ultimately I think you need find someone who can 'GETS' you. When you do, youll realize why it never worked out with her. There is more to love than loving someone, there also needs receptiveness, appreciation, and a deep emotional/physical understanding of one another. Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2015): A huge part of being in a relationship is intimacy. If your girlfriend doesn't want you to touch her then dump her. You like to show affection and she doesn't. It's not going to get better. If she can't stand the thought of you touching her then wtf is the point.
Move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 November 2015):
 I think it's a "case" of not being a great match in certain levels.
You are holding back from expressing yourself to make her happy and while that is admirable that you listen to her boundaries, you are setting yourself up for being unhappy.
You are a touchy-feely person (and that is fine) she is not. You show love with physical touch,kiss, sex - she doesn't, not does she want to reciprocate.
You say you are fulfilling HER needs completely, well... maybe not. But she certainly isn't fulfilling yours. And that, you may not be able to change. What you WANT is for her to do things she isn't comfortable with. Because other girls have done it in the past and because YOU like it.
Maybe she feels like the toughing is a pressure for sex or more intimate than she is comfortable with.
I'm not a big PDA fan at all. (Public Display of Affections) I'm not big on people (in general) touching me. I like my personal space, I think your GF is a bit like that. And that doesn't match very well with your personality and YOUR needs.
You CAN NOT make her want to do thing, she doesn't like to do. So your choice here is to either find someone who is a better fit for you or accept that THIS is who she is. Or give her some time, it's only been 4-5 months ON/OFF - show her that you DO respect her person and personal space. Basically slow down a bit.
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A
female
reader, peekn'boo +, writes (4 November 2015):
 Hey Nick,
I am not married but my parents are going through your situation and I think I can help.
I think she is being cold/not physical with you because she isn't attracted to you anymore. I don't think it's possible to loose your sexually drive or physical emotion after "she matured," it's human nature to want to. To be quite honest if she really did love you she would try to make you happy by listening but hasn't tried, meaning she doesn't care for your relationship.
My mom is exactly the same towards my dad and I asked her why she is so cold and she says that she isn't attracted to my dad and for a while has wanted to split but hasn't because my younger siblings would be fatherless. I know you didn't mention anything about children but I honestly think she has given up on the relationship.
What you should do is talk to her and ask for her opinion on the situation and ask what she would do if the tables were turned. I would then ask her if she even wants to still be in the relationship, I wouldn't be surprised and neither should you be if she says "no."
You seem like a really nice guy and quite frankly I don't understand why you're putting yourself through this relationship, it seems cold and you are clearly unhappy. For both of you sakes, I think you should consider cutting the relationship or taking a break, to assess where you stand and to really ask yourself if you want to continue the relationship.
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