A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have no idea what to do to deal with this situation.I have been with my girlfriend since 2011, she was 18 at the time we started. We have had a great relationship, typical ups and downs, but all in all great. Her family has never warmed up to me and has consistently treated me coldly and even outright told me that they don't like me. My girlfriend has always ignored this, telling me that she loves me and it's her decision and that while she can't force her family to like me, she certainly can make her own choice about who to date.Ok, so now... I was told yesterday, by a friend, who is friends with a family friend, that my girlfriend is in the hospital. She was on a trip with her family and another friend in a city over 1000 miles from here. She is apparently in critical condition with a very life threatening diagnosis which was completely unexpected. I had been getting worried because I had not heard from her in a few days, and was about to start making calls, when I heard this news.I am obviously extremely scared for her, but the real issue I'm going crazy over at this point is that I feel there is more going on. I do know her other friend quite well - the one who was on the trip with her - so I called her asking for information, and she told me she "is not allowed to say anything." I also tried to contact her family directly, thinking that if there's any time to put aside differences that this should be it, but got complete silence.As her long-term boyfriend I honestly do feel I have a right to more details than "life threatening condition." I feel I should be allowed to be kept up on her progress. Whatever issue her family has with me, in my opinion, is no reason to deliberately keep me in the dark regarding her status and her condition. I just need some advice as to what I should do. Knowing *anything* about what's going on would be better than just being basically expected to sit back and relax and wait until I'm "allowed" to know. The reckless part of me wants to use find-my-friends to find out exactly where she is, hop on a plane and just show up. I know that this would most likely not end well, but I still am going crazy because I have no information and I feel like I'm being deliberately screwed with just because her family doesn't like me.Please give me some advice or something? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): So sorry for your loss. I was shocked by your update. I truly hope you can get some closure after you weren't able to visit her in her final hours. I hope that her family will find it in their hearts to apologize to you.
Let us know if we can be of any more support here, if you need to talk.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (4 February 2017):
 Sincere condolences. heart breaking news for you.xxx
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (1 February 2017):
 So sorry for your loss mate, that must of been a horrible experience having no idea what was going on.
Sending you my best wishes X
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 February 2017):
 Shame on her family for allowing this to happen to you. Did they know that you where both together for five years or was she keeping them in the dark? I sincerely hope you find out all the arrangements.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2017): I'm sorry for your loss :-(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): Oh my God.. I'm so so sorry for your loss.. my thoughts and prayers are with you..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): OP here
Epilogue: My girlfriend passed away on Saturday evening.
I will miss her very much. I never did make it to the hospital, but I wouldn't have been able to make it that quickly anyway.
I'm now trying to figure out how to best find out about her funeral arrangements, because I feel like I need that closure.
Thank you for all your comments.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (30 January 2017):
Hi me again. If they are hell bent on blocking your every move, still I would at least send them a heartfelt txt message with regards to putting past differences to rest, at least for the moment etc and to let you be by her side. Regardless if they respond at least you have proof of doing all that you could.They then have to be explaining their behaviour to their daughter.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): Oh sorry I read it as the friend told you what hospital she's in. I wouldn't be bothered by ethics at this point if time - use whatever means possible to find out where she is and just be there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): It's female anon 2 (& 3) again. If it were me I wouldn't care that I can't go and physically see her but at least I would hang around in the hospital?! It would seem very cavalier to simply think that her chances of death at this stage are slim so I needn't be there. You know which hospital she's in. Just be there IMO.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): this is OPUnfortunately we were not living together - we had actually planned to do that in the next few months, but not yet.We are at university together and have some courses together, but I don't have anything other than anecdotal facts (e.g. we talk every day, we share secrets, etc.) Given that her parents are the ones who are there, aren't there rules about who's allowed to visit someone in intensive care units? Like only immediate family or whatever? I seem to remember that when one of my parents was in intensive care for a while there was a rule like that, that our family had to approve anyone else who wanted to come in. And I doubt I'll get "approval" from her family.How wrong would I be in using phone tracking to at least find out where she is? Information is tricking in to me little by little. Another friend of the family who knows me did decide to "go ahead" and tell me what she's in the hospital for. Pretty serious but at this point not necessarily life-threatening. In other words she's gotten past the worst and most dangerous part, and her age is on our side, statistically people do quite well with what happened if they're under 40 and she is only 23.
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female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (29 January 2017):
Do you guys live together by any chance because that would make you here de facto husband. Not sure about the laws in your country but here you have as much right to be treated under the same laws as a married couple. if you can manage to find out what hospital she is in I would be on the next plane. You don't need permission or approval from her family. It's not about them. God forbid if anything happens. You worrying about ruffling feathers will haunt you for the rest of your days. In the meantime try find anything that can support to hospital staff that you are indeed who you are. Anything documents joint. Perhaps something where either of you are listed as spouse or under emergency contact details. Best of luck with things.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): This is the OPTo female anon: When she was younger - we did start when she was 18 - she tended to go to her family to vent if we had arguments or disagreements. She herself has said that she feels she was being a little immature back then, and for the last few years we have always made it a point to resolve our differences between ourselves and leave others out of it. I've considered that they might perceive the fact that we used to argue and they would hear of it as tantamount to some kind of abuse. Regardless, I still don't feel that that is a fair reason to withhold information from me. To other female Anon: I think my biggest fear-or maybe my logic-is that if I go down to see her and just show up, since she is currently on conscious I will end up interacting with her family. If they were so petty as to not even let me know about the situation, is possible they could just simply not allow me to see her. Even if they did, I imagine that in their current elevated emotional state that some harsh words may fly. If she were even partially conscious, I feel like I would rush down there as soon as I could. The issues that her family has with me or not limited to me; she herself has repeatedly expressed frustration with the way her family treats her. This might sound a little arrogant, but I actually do feel that I am in a better place to provide her with the emotional support and hope that she needs more so than her family is. I have spent way more time with her in recent times that her family has. She has told me many deep and dark things about her which she had said even her family does not know. Her friend did finally tell me that her condition is stable in that there is low risk of death at this point. My biggest hope right now is simply that she will regain enough consciousness soon to be able to communicate on her own, even if just by phone, because at that point she herself would be able to tell not just me but her family that she wants me there. But in the meantime I still feel compelled to go see her, but the significant issues between her family and myself combined with her not even being conscious make me nervous... She is an adult, but I am not sure what power her parents actually have. For example, could they actually tell the hospital not to allow me in? Because she would be in intensive care right now I feel like this would actually be possible. A trip down there would be such a waste if I wouldn't even be able to see her and only ended up in a fight with her family.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): It's the previous female anon again. I just want to know whether it was abuse or violence on your part that you've not mentioned here towards her? Is that why her family doesn't want you around her?
Other than this one reason I find their behaviour very petty. Anyway if you've been a loving boyfriend to her all this while then find out where she is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): I think you should use whatever means possible to find out where she is and be with her in person.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): You know what? I think your last idea in this post is the best one. YES you should try to locate her and hop on the plane. Screw the family, if she is in critical condition, she needs you. Alternately, I would call back that so-called friend who withheld information from you, and give her a stern talking to- this is your girlfriend of many years and the two of you are in love (maybe even common-law partners by this point), you have a RIGHT to know what is going on, surely she can understand that? You must just make this friend see as much as you can that she just has to tell you the information. Remind her that this is about what your girlfriend would want if she could speak for herself, and surely the friend and you both know that that would be to give you the information. She is not a minor anymore, her parents have no right to withhold the information from you (Well, maybe legally they do if they are her power of attorney, but still). They sound just awful for holding a grudge at a time like this. Maybe they are just overwhelmed by what has happened. I'd just keep phoning the friend and others and trying to track her down. then hop on the next plane because critical condition can go downhill fast. You can also try phoning the hospital, explain that she is your partner of many years and you ask what information they can give you as you need to come down and see her. Best of luck
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