A
male
age
36-40,
*oingCrazy11
writes:So here's my situation. My girlfriend and I have been dating for nearly three years. She's my best friend, I love her to death and want to spend the rest of my life with her. We've had a somewhat hard relationship, however, due to the fact that I've been away at school for the majority of it. Our love for one another, however, has made it work because we both know we're meant for each other, or so I thought.I recently met a girl at work that I developed a crush, or infatuation for. I did not cheat and I don't even think the girl was aware of my crush. Immediately when I was aware of my feelings, I became scared and confused as to why I was having those feelings. Due to that, I began analyzing my relationship with my girlfriend and freaking out about the smallest of things. Anyways, my conscience has gotten the better of me over the past few weeks and I have become somewhat depressed due to the guilt. My girlfriend noticed, but I did not let her know what I was going through because I felt that I could handle it myself. Well, a few nights ago we were talking and my conscience finally erupted and I told her about the girl. This devasted her, and it devasted me to see her like that. I let her know that it was a stupid mistake on my part and that those feelings were gone (they are), but it didn't matter to her, which I totally understand. Words cannot describe what I'm feeling right now just thinking about her and how much trust she has lost in me. In a way, I regret ever telling her about it, but then again, I don't think I could have gone on without letting her know because it would have been unfair and selfish. I know I love her to death and she is the only one for me, and I'm just having a hard time right now because I am so scared that she will want to end this relationship. I don't expect any pity from anyone, but please believe me when I say that she is the most important thing in the world to me. Just the thought of her her crying right now makes me want to cry as well. I'm sorry this is so long but I needed to let these feelings out. Is there anything I can do? Am I a terrible person?
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at work, best friend, crush, depressed, girl at work Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): Just wait.She might get over it.I haven't had that many
relationships,so it's hard for me to trust men.She is not
feeling like she can trust you as much as she used to,so
back off and give her some space.But tell her everyday that
you love her and it was just a crush and that no one else
but her can make you feel like you do.Hope it works out!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): What you did by telling her was banish your crush. You put the whole thing into perspective and it left your mind. Her sadness is understandable because she will feel she may have lost you or was close to having to bear your infidelity. Maybe this is infidelity to her. I remember once being on a business trip and there was a guy there speaking very emotionally about the fact that he and his girl had been trying for a baby and were currently on an IVF programme. You could have knocked me over when he tried to get me into bed later that night. Lots of people actually carry out their infidelity even though they love their partners. I think that is completely reprehensible, but you passed the test. I think you could do a really useful exercise. Each write out a list of what betrayal means to you personally and then discuss it. You may be able to help her recognise that despite being atracted to another girl you were not unfaithful, because your feelings for her override everything. This is a huge strength because everyone is attracted to others sometimes. You do realise I hope, that she is likely to have the same feelings about another man at some time in her life. Perhaps you could discuss that, how you would feel and what you would like her to do if she found herself in the same place. It can be helpful to joke about these crushes. I tease my partner about his when he has them and he teases me. Maybe his and my crushes are not quite so intense, yours does seem as though it was a trifle overwhelming. I too would have been as upset as your girl if you were explicit about that.
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A
female
reader, toggs  +, writes (2 June 2008):
 youre not a terrible person and is good of you to have told her so theres no secrets between you. it will probably take hr a long time to forgive and forget. if she wants to end your relationship then theres nothing you can do. be there for her take all the crap she throws at you and there could be a happy ending for you after all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): What was "unfair and selfish" was you telling her you were interested in somebody else. Doing so served no purpose whatsoever other than to help *you* alleviate *your* guilt at the expense of her emotional well-being and self-esteem.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 June 2008):
 Well since it was just a crush and you did nothing to act on it, you probably should have kept it to yourself, and I don't think that would have been selfish, in fact telling her was more selfish because you wanted to rid yourself of the guilt you felt. All you can do at this point is to be there for her and as supportive and as loving as you can be. She may realize that your actions prove you can be trusted but YOU must realize that to be told your partner was lusting after someone else is very hurtful and demoralizing. Give her some time to recover. Good luck Buddy.
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