A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of almost eleven years has an exotic bird that she's had for about two years. Before you ask, we're not married because all our parents have been divorced several times and it seems pointless to us.She is depressed because she hates her office job and is behind on lots of things in life. I think she should go to counseling. She has said she agrees but I can't make the appointments for her and she always has some excuse.She loves this bird and treats it like a child. It does the same silly things everyday and she is extremely amused by the same things over and over. She always wants me to look as it does the same stuff. I do, but am getting very tired of it. She's started acting like a Kindergarten teacher talking to kids. It really isn't appealing and makes me question how attracted I am to her. She doesn't upkeep the house or clean up the messes quickly enough for me. It disgusts me to find animal faeces on the floor and especially to see it on her when she's playing with the bird. She doesn't seem to mind. I've told her this, but if she forgets and I point it out, she gets very sad.At the beginning of last year, I told her everything that was bothering me and she did nothing to make any changes.Last year I "triangulated" my problems with a woman I worked with and this turned into what I now know was an emotional affair. I ended it. Shortly after that, I exploded and was intent on leaving my girlfriend. I explained everything to her again. She turned her act around and worked her tail off for a month or two to take proper care of the bird up to my standards. The idea of what our lives could be like in a few months made me happy and content. Slowly, things have gotten just as bad as they were and my hope is almost gone.She has low self-esteem because she's not where she thought she'd be in life and her career so any time I try to communicate my problems with the things she does or doesn't do, I have to spend an evening comforting her while she cries. This often results in me not messing with it because I'd rather not make her worse than she is. Any undertakings to clean our home or improve our lifestyle have to be initiated by me. Often, when she gets home she'll waste an hour or two with the bird then sit around looking at social networking sites on the Internet or watch tv. Even when the bird isn't around, she will act like a giggly child or children's teacher when she talks. She used to be strong and assertive. She has no friends but me. She wants to spend every minute she can with me.She comes to me for everything. If she spills a mess in the kitchen, she yells my name as if asking me what to do instead of just cleaning it up. I'm very unhappy this way. I don't know what to do.An internal problem I'm struggling with is becoming more attracted to the more assertive and powerful women I deal with elsewhere. I didn't used to have a wandering eye.The woman I had an emotional affair with recently contacted me again saying over and over how we're "good friends" even though I asked her before not to contact me. After trading a few emails with her she started talking about people she's having sex with and asking questions about if I was having sex with my girlfriend. I wrote a rude email ripping into her for her insensitivity toward my girlfriend. She apologized over and over but I haven't written back and don't intend to. This friend was the only one I had who was always there to listen to me, so I feel guilty about that.I don't know what to do. I'm sexually frustrated and emotionally exhausted. I sometimes just sit and cry when I should be working at home. I'm getting very behind on my demanding job. Any suggestions?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): Thank You. That's good advice. If she still won't go to see a doctor, I will have to leave eventually. When I tried to do so before I became so drained. I can't really imagine how I'd do it again. Hopefully things will get better.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 February 2010):
 Your girlfriend is self absorbed. She wants to spend time with you yet she ignores you. She is doing everything she could do hide her depression. My guess is that she did not feel loved as a child and now she is compensating that by regressing into a child. There is nothing you can do. She can't reciprocate your love like an adult. Her pain is affecting you too. Just being with her drains your energy. The break up is going to be ugly (I know it, because I have friends who had girlfriends like that) but it has to be done, if you want happiness in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): You're in a hell of a situation, my friend.
I can actually relate to your girlfriend. When I was depressive, I acted child-like because I felt like one. She probably feels very vulnerable and uses these behaviors as ways to get your attention. You LET her get your attention with them so she keeps doing it.
It seems to me that when you talk to her, you are more concerned with telling her what's wrong with her and her behaviors are negatively affecting YOU as opposed to showing concern for her mental health and offering support in ways for her to better herself. So, instead of saying "you're acting childish and it's getting to me." Try "You're behaviors are childish and not really like you. I want to help you feel better so that we can continue with our relationship like normal." You need to gently push her into seeing a doctor and/or therapist. Remind her that this is essential for not only HER health, but for the health of your relationship. The problem is that if she doesn't WANT help and doesn't SEEK it, she'll have a more difficult time getting better and so will you.
If, in the end, she still opts not to go to therapy or seek help, then you may have to bite the bullet and leave. You're clearly not happy and though you should be supportive of her, if she isn't willing to try to help herself, then why should you? Depression can be contagious if you let it be. Try for her. Try hard. But in the end, you have your own emotional health to consider.
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