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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi,My girlfriend and i (both 20) have been together for just over 3 years now and we've hit a pretty big problem. She is Catholic and has a problem with sex before marriage. I am not Catholic so right now in the relationship my feelings are telling me that i want to take things further and that there is absolutely no bad reason for us not to. I love her so much and it is so frustrating because i cant live my life by rules i dont believe in.We have done pretty much everything except intercourse and there are many times when she seems to want the same thing as me. The problem is that after a few days thinking she does want more she changes back to saying she doesnt! I really dont want to hurt her and pressure her into anything.We're now at the point where we're about to break up because the relationship isnt working. Im not happy feeling stuck when i want to develop things further and she says she cant change her opinions. Problem is that we still love each other so much and just want to be together! Should i stay with her and hope she changes her mind like she has before and sticks to it, or should we just end things? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, shania  +, writes (23 April 2006):
 I agree with martini....you knew she was a catholic and if you loved her...then getting your end away shouldn't be the real reason on why you are still with her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2006): Harshbutfair - that is awesome! 8]
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A
female
reader, Softie +, writes (23 April 2006):
 Hi,
I understand that your desire to further things and I also understand that everyone has needs. But in this case, I really think that you should respect her choice.
In my opinion, I believe that love is definitely worth more than a couple of sweaty nights. If you love her, you will support her on doing what she thinks is right. You shouldn't push her to do something that she will regret.
I agree that love sometimes means a bit of sacrifice. Whatever happens, I hope you find happiness.
Softie
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (23 April 2006):
 PS. don't forget, if you want an alternaive, sex done "round the back" way, "A-level" style doesn't mean she loses her virgin status - it's true I checked (the bible).
HBF
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (23 April 2006):
I like a lot of what Martini writes but I feel his response here is pure BS.
You are an adult. Your girlfriend is an adult. You are in an adult relationship. Within a developed, healthy adult relationship there should be a desire for sex on both sides. There should be sex. Without it, there is not the bedrock on which to continue building the relationship.
This is a very tricky problem for you and I think it sucks that this dude GOD has gotten in the way.
Now for the good news!
1. I know of many guys who dated "good catholic" chicks and they enjoyed healthy relationships with lots of sex.
2. Catholics are NOTORIOUS for picking and choosing which parts of the religion they practice. According to GOD, good Catholics should never use contraception. One only needs to look at birth rates in predominately Catholic countries like Ireland or Italy, to see that either people ain't doing the nasty (err.. unlikely), or they are ignoring that particular directive.
3. Once she's lost it, it's gone and you are both free of this restriction. I would be tempted to stick it out a little and see if her love for you comes before her love for GOD. At the end of the day, that's what you're fighting against. All it's gonna take is one slip or change of heart on her part... and please lordy tell me that if this happens you'll be in there faster than Bush into Iraq.
Good luck and don't pressure her, she needs to feel like she is making the decision herself.
HBF
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A
male
reader, tux  +, writes (23 April 2006):
 When she changes her mind, she basically is being torn between what her body wants and want her beliefs want. Her beliefs won out. It's not that she didn't love you and didnt want to take the relationship further. It's just that you wanted to skip a few steps in which she felt was necessary.
Sex does not equal love, which is what a lot of people fail to see.. Sex is meant to be an expression of love not love itself. But if you want to be with her and don't pressure her, then you're in a hard spot.. The question to ask yourself is "Is she worth the wait?" if not, it's not meant to be and things will not work out in the end.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2006): If you truly love her you'll respect her feelings and her religious beliefs and take a cold shower. If you pressure her into sex too soon you could damage your relationship beyond repair. If she is as deveotly Catholic as she appears she will feel enormous guilt by giving herself to you and may be shunned by family and friends. If you have been together 3 years marriage should already be around the corner. What's up with that? Is it you that doesn't want to make the commitment or is it she? I do agree that love is the primary motivator for sex and not a piece of paper but sometimes love requires sacrifice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2006): So basically, you want to end your relationship because you can't have sex with her? You know from the beginning that she is Catholic. You just said yourself, you've been together for 3 years.
I know what you mean by 'furthering' your relationship with her in a more intimate level. HOWEVER, I believe truly that if you indeed did love her, sex should NOT be the reason to break-up.
Developing things further means to grow with, upgrade, change together, to learn, etc. Sex should be a complement to the relationship and NOT the core subject. Of course, I don't know what people are feeling/thinking nowadays. Seems like the word 'love' is so over-used and over-exaggerated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2006): If you are sure that she is the love of your life (and obviously she is saving it for the love of her life), why don't you marry her? If you are not sure, then don't ruin it for her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2006): "We have done pretty much everything except intercourse." These are your words, and if it is true, and you still cannot wait until you are married for intercourse, then something else - and not the absence of intercourse before marriage - is the real problem in your relationship. Perhaps it is the strength of her religious beliefs: Seek counseling to find out.
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