A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is incredibly sweet and generous; I love her. It turns out that she asked my family some gift related questions and that she is buying me an expensive gift (maybe $200?!) for either my December birthday or Christmas. When my family learned that I had a $50 Christmas gift picked out for my girlfriend, they hinted that I may be surprised when we exchange gifts. I don't know much but it's definitely more than $100 and it may be around $200.She knows that I was uncomfortable with how much she spent on me last year - a weekend trip(!!) - and she didn't appreciate me paying for part of the trip because she's adamant that it's her decision as to what she gets me for Christmas. While I have always said that I would be thrilled with a simple dinner at home or something she's crafted herself, and I have suggested that she save her money for a down payment or a vacation she has been eyeing instead, I admit that we've never had a frank discussion about this.Do I...1. Graciously accept it this year, reciprocate, and have a more frank discussion about gift expectations AFTER the holidays; or2. Make an issue of it during the holidays?I'm leaning towards option 1 but reciprocating and then bringing up the issue after the holidays (i.e. grossly inconsistent behaviour) may inadvertently suggest that my family told me about my girlfriend's gifting plans.Any suggestions would be much appreciated!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 December 2011):
 I do not base gift giving on expense.
As a committed couple it's hard to give a gift to someone that does not impact on the gift giver...
For example my boyfriend and I live together and he wants to get me an IPAD for Xmas. I told him NO it was too expensive but he knows he will get to play with it too. So no matter how OFTEN I tell him DO NOT buy me an IPAD we can't afford it, he tells me we can...
If she was giving you a gift worth $1000 and you got her something worth $50 that might be unequal... but to me, what you give a person should show thought, and consideration and how much you spend is secondary.... esp with a long term couple.
Don't ruin her joy in giving you a gift during the holidays. IF you really are that uncomfortable with her spending money on you (and if she can afford it and is not going into debt for it, I think you might want to consider letting this go) AFTER all the holidays it's time to sit down and map our gift giving guidelines for the rest of the relationship.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 December 2011):
 I wrote you a longer reply, but it went missing due to bad connection. So here is the recap, sorry.
I think your girlfriend bought that weekend trip for her own pleasure as well. So it wasn't all "giving and generous", it was a tad bit selfish as well. I think that is the reason behind her buying expensive gifts, she gets something out of it for her own pleasure. So don't feel bad about it, I think she's doing it for her own sake as well as maybe pleasing you. Just think about it, was that weekend trip more enjoyable for her or for you?
Have a frank talk with her if this bothers you. Set a limit for gifts. Talk about expectations so you are sure she isn't going over the top just because she wants something in return. But I doubt she expects you to do much in return, although you now feel compelled to match her gifts, which is obviously not a good thing as it turns into a competition. So talk about it now. Not next year, now.
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