A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, here is my story:I have been dating this girl ever since october. Call us crazy but we are in love with each other, she has told me that she has been cheated on alot in the past and has major trust issues, but she was completely honest to me all the time and now I heard too much.Her ex boyfriend of 5 years who she just got out of with was bisexual (so was she) and they have been having open relationship sex for the last 4 years theyve been together.She told me that she only did it because she wanted to do anything possible to please her man (who loved being with guys) so they mutually agreed on doing this together. It makes me sick to my stomach hearing that but she told me she hated it and told me that trust was broken in that relationship and she ended up breaking it off even after 8 months of no sex at all, not with him or anyone else.She told me she has seen counsellors about it and realized that it was not what she wanted, and after I broke it off with her she told me that she has never felt true love until she met me, she absolutely never believed in getting married and procreating until she met me. She told me how her level of love for me made it seem like she had no love for him in the total 5 years she was with him. He proposed to her many times and she declined. She even told me how she just felt like an object all her life with him, and I felt so disgusted to the point of dumping probably the only woman I could ever look at sexually. How do I get over this? What do I do? Please help. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, shawncaff  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 Your feelings are natural: since you love her so much you want to feel like you can respect her and that you share a value system. If you did not care, it would not bother you.
The question is why it bothers you. Is it because she was so casual about sex and it devalues the intimacy she has with you? Is it because she was demeaning herself to please her boyfriend? Are you worried about her cheating in the future?
I think it is fair to soften your judgment by taking her motivations into account. If it is not a lifestyle thing for her (i.e., a string of open relationships) but rather was something she did out of a feeling of low self-esteem and trying to please her boyfriend, and she has been working on this issue, then there is room for understanding.
It sounds like she loves you and that she took the issue seriously by seeing counselors. I think if the past is the past, no matter how recent, and she has changed, then you can put her past aside. It sounds like there is honesty on her part, and much love on both sides, so there is a foundation for the future.
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