A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I had a 8 year relationship in which I was engaged and very close to a woman. That ended three years ago. Recently, I began dating another woman and it has become serious. I felt to resolve the feelings from my past that I would need to make friends or become friendly with my ex rather than keep it in "I will never talk to you again" phase which to me is a negative emotion. My ex has been with another man for the time we have been separate and we have no interest romantically but we have now developed a genuine friendship which we are always talking about our new dating partners. We talk as friends several times a week just for chit chat as we were once extremely close and are comfortable with our conversational styles. We may go to lunch once a month. I feel very natural and relaxed about my friendship with my ex as it is just that. My new girlfriend however who I am extremely attracted to and spend many of my waking hours either talking to her or with her, has a huge problem with my friendship.My new romantic relationship is only 6 months old and we have gotten somewhat serious. But the big problem has been that she feels that she could never "have me" and that she is sharing me with my ex. I am growing exhausted of the shame and guilt about not being able to talk about the friendship with my ex. It feels like I always have to hide something and I have never felt that I have done nothing wrong.I have even asked my new girlfriend to share my friendship with my ex as that was an important part of my life and I genuinely enjoy that friendship regardless of our shared history. I feel my new girlfriend can become a very important person in my life. I would like her to be.She is special but I feel this "jealousy" is destroying our newfound romance. I am feeling that the relationship has become co-dependent and that I am not being given room for trust and expansion on my own. Please give advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): wow....Ive been in the same situation. I have an EX we were together almost 7 years. She wasn't a great girlfriend, she made a better friend ( I thought ) My new GF of almost 3 years cant stand it and cant stand her and because I haven't made a choice ( yet )Ive been almost "solo" numerous times. Im beginning to think with all the other response's to this gentlemens dilemma. Its best I let go of this "friend" I thought my way of thinking ( so modern ) was "bigger than life" sort of speak and let bygones be. BUT..I seem to be in the minority here and this situation has been quite uncomfortable for quite sometime. It doesnt help my EX has been very "needy" as she was in the relationship and who does she always "need" when a problem arises ? Yours truly ! My New girlfriend tells me. "She just uses you and for the life of me. I cant figure out WHY you still want to help her?" I was conditioned to ALWAYS helping her and its time to let go ...Thanks for all the great responses. My eyes certainly got opened....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): You are being emotionally intimate with this woman and this is a betrayal. You are still investing something with her. Do you ever remember your Mum or Dad having a relationship like this with another person of the opposite sex? the answer is probably no becasue theere seemed to be better instincts about then about how to maintain and run relationships.
You need to respect your present partner. Sometimes these relationships with exes can continue but it is quite rare. My man has told me that people can't be friends with them because the thread of intimacy still exists and this excludes the current partner.
Does your exes man know? If there is anything secretive about this is is even more dodgy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): Would you want her being friends with her ex who she was very serious with? I think you need to choose between the 2, or you could lose both, a friend and a girlfriend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): Whoops sorry, didnt get to finish it!
They have been the bane of my life in the past. Why do you want to be so close to your ex? You have been together and now split up, so try and push her further into the background. Yes, you are disrespecting you new gf by continue this if she doesnt like it, please have some respect for you new gf!
If you have been with your ex for such a long time in the past Coloroy is right, there are little expression on the face that you and your ex did in the past and they dont stop overnight. You need to gently push your ex into the background. Dont get in touch once a week, tone it down to once per month and then faze it out altogher. I know exactly how you new gf feels and it knocks your confidence and make you feel crap. Stomach churning etc. If you want her to be around in the future then dont mess with her head. If you want to keep in contact with the ex then be prepared to be on your own. Cos, i would run!!!!! as bloody fast as i could
take care
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): Oh dont get me on this bloody ex subject, I HATE THEM!!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 If you are dealing with the female of the species,
you either give her 100% and nothing to the ex or what you
get is what you deserved.
If you pine for your new g/f , you have to let go of the ex
no matter how good she is as a friend.
She is wired that way and it is your choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): Whilst I can understand your need to be amicable with your ex I can also understand your new girlfriend being a little threatened. 8 years is a long time. Also - meeting up once a month for a coffee is one thing.... but the chatting several times a week? Do you think that might be a little excessive? What do you find to chat about? She must know an awful lot about your feelings, emotions, life etc etc. I think it is THIS that is affecting your new girlfriend. She needs to be a bit 'exclusive' - by that I mean the one who you talk to first and foremost about stuff. I get the feeling your new girlfriend has never really replaced your ex in that way.... and maybe this is a way of filling that gap. Be very careful. By the way. If it upsets your girlfriend that much maybe you should consider putting her feelings first and cutting right down on the contact with your ex. After all as you say you are getting serious with her so maybe its time to really demonstrate that commitment?! I wonder also if you are allowing your ex to really move on. Does she have a boyfriend? If not, that may be another problem for your girlfriend. I wonder how he would feel about your very regular contact. My answer = cut down the contact with your ex and focus your efforts on your current relationship.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 Hi,
Well your situation mirrors mine almost identically.
I too was with a girl for 8 years, and we split up, we remained friends but my new partner ( whom I am still married to 10 years later ) was not happy with the relationship.
At first I was like you, I encouraged them to be friends - big mistake. I learnt that is the worst thing you can do.
The bottom line mate, is that girls simply do not want anything to do with your ex. They don't want to hear about her, see her, understand her - nothing.
My wife says its the emotional attachment that is still obvious. Even though I couldnt for the life of me see what she meant - she still felt it and to her it was too much. It can be little things, facial expressions or whatever which hint at an exclusive shared experience. The new partner is always going to be threatened by this.
So its your call, and I know it may seem unreasonable but you will find out very shortly that you will have to choose. If you choose your ex - it will merely confirm to your current beau what she has suspected all along.
You seem a lot more determined to hand onto this friendship than I was, so I feel you are in for a tough ride.
A no win situation mate. good luck.
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