A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:My fiancee and I have been together for about 4 years with a few breakups in the first couple. One of the problems early on was that she cheated on me. She is bi and she cheated with a girl. After a long time of soul searching and working things out with her we have gotten past it all and are in love with each other so we are getting married. But, there is another problem that is making me feel insecure again like I did before and I hate feeling that way. Heres the deal. She has always talked about wanting a close best girl friend, not girlfriend, but a best friend. Well, while doing her job she has become close with this girl. Too close too fast. She has always done this with people she meets though. She comes on too strong and ends up getting her feelings hurt because the person just can't handle her. Well this girl seams nice and gets her crazy behavior and as far as I can tell it is friendship only. I'm involved in conversations and around them and as far as I can tell, (and my girl told me so), there is no funny business going on. Well right now my fiancee is with this girl at a clients house doing her job. Her job is taking care of a handicapped man. She does ALOT of things for him and I know it can get busy. But it is casual and she stays there when if im not in town to pick her up because of my job. This is long but please bear with me. So, it is starting to feel like it did when she cheated on me. Not talking to me since noon yesterday and not returning my calls. Why is it that when I'm with her over there when she is working she has time to call or text all kinds of people yet when I leave it seams like she is too busy? It feels like I'm outa sight and outa mind. She has reassured me a bunch of times that nothing is going on and she regrets the past misstake and loves me and the whole nine yards. I guess I don't fully trust her but can you blame me? I am almost certain that in a few months it won't be an issue. But right now my thoughts are breaking my heart. So what can I do without pressuring her so much to ease my mind? I just need to know if i'm being too paranoid or what? Please ladies give me some help.
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female
reader, Gasolina  +, writes (19 March 2010):
 Perhaps you're being paranoid, perhaps you have good radar. Either way, if a monogomous relationship is very important to you, and you have feelings of doubt that she doesn't feel as strongly about that as you do, then you have a problem brewing, my friend.
Time to talk - how important is monogomy to her? Can she see herself being with only one person forever? Encourage her to be 100% honest about that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, as it turns out it seems i am just a needy worrier, but that I shouldnt wory so much. Yea, the history is there but she also admitted that her attraction to women in that way was more of an attention thing and less of a sexual thing. She told a close friend of hers that. But she reasured me and although it sux when she doesnt call, she is not cheating. She is just not as needy as me. I wish I knew how to stop my mind from wondering when i get in those situations. Thanks for the comments.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (19 March 2010):
 She is bisexual. She is attracted to a gender for which you are not, in addition to her attraction to you.
I think you need to restructure your relationship with her, so that instead of trying to force her to give up something that she was likely born with, you find a way to incorporate that into your existing on going relationship.
Although it is very possible for a bisexual person to deny themselves their sexual orientation in a relationship, just like some homosexuals deny themselves of their sexual orientation and either force themselves to date hetro, or not at all, I personally do not think it is fair to anyone in those relationships. In most cases, whatever is being repressed will find another way out, and that could be even more emotionally damaging, than simply accepting her sexual orientation.
There are a variety of ways to structure Alternative Relationship Choices to accommodate all sexual orientations and different couples for non-monogamy. All you have to do is be willing to find what works for you.
If monogamy is all you want long term, then you might have to consider that you and your fiancee should not get married.
I did a number of radio interviews with bisexuals and people in alternative relationship structures and you can listen to all of them for free at
http://www.franktalks.com/radio
I also authored a program for Alternative Relationship Choices (4 CD set) that you might want to examine the previews of.
-Frank Kermit
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (19 March 2010):
 That's the thing about trust.... it's not always easy. While I'm not a woman, I'd suggest just talking to her. Relay your concerns... NOT that she's cheating (you don't want it to be confrontational). Tell her you just feel like she's not returning your calls and you feel like you're not a part of her life during those hours.
I don't think you're being paranoid, but I think you should just make this new subject between you two not about the cheating in the past. Give her the benefit of the doubt that she's not cheating and trust her at least on that. Just make it about you feeling hurt about her not communicating with you. At the same time, you can't be calling her every 5 minutes while she's working because that's not fair to her either....
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