A
male
age
30-35,
*cjamn2
writes:Hi,My girlfriend of 8 months cheated on me and I haven't been able to deal with it very well. She told me on our 8 month anniversary that she went to a bar, a guy bought her drinks and she got really drunk. She ended up sleeping with him. I broke up with her the next day. Even though I hate her for what she did, I still love her. I think the worst part of this all is the fact that we still talk and have the same group of friends. We text all the time and part of me wants to get back together with her while the other part of me knows it would just be better to stay friends. Even when I think that we should get back together, there's no sign from her that she wants to. That's insane since I'm the victim in the situation. I was the best bf and would never ever cheat on her, I cared for her way too much. I also thought about stooping to her level and going to have meaningless sex... but every girl just reminds me of her and I hate it. I'm going through a pretty intense depression right now where all I think about is her and even in my dreams I have nightmares of what she did. On top of that those so called "friends" that your supposed to have there for you in times of trouble are nowhere to be found. I don't know what to do, I hate my life and want all of this pain to go away. She doesn't seem to care yet she should be begging on her knees for forgiveness. What do I do? Will I ever be able to trust again?
View related questions:
anniversary, broke up, cheated on me, drunk, get back together, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2010): I know it hurts. A lot of us have been there. One thing I would recommend is to not see or talk to her for a few months. It will help you if you are not constantly reminded of her.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 July 2010):
 I apologize for not having being clear enough. When I said "try to improve your screening process " I was not referring at all to this girl's, or any girl's, sexual past. A woman is not constitued only by her sexual experiences, which in fact are a very poor and imprecise indicator of her potential for being a good mate.
I was referring to screening out possible trouble areas in general compatibility- to paying attention to all the little red flags that cry out : Beware ! Potential problem here !
In your case , her liking for male attention ( sorry but no, not all girls in a committed relationship flirt with
strangers in bars and let them buy drinks ) -and her lack
of control in drinking . I don't think that was the very first time that she had too much to drink- if it is so, you did not mention it,and it's relevant.
But anyway, my idea was not nitpicking and finding faults in your ex, or least of all in you- what for ?.. All I mean is :very very often,when people shock us with an outrageous behaviour.. we could have seen it coming but we choose to close our eyes in front of the little red flags. But : live and learn. Mistakes and disappointments,in love and in life, are useful and almost necessary. We only "get it right " through trial and error.
...............................
A
male
reader, 11muds11 +, writes (12 July 2010):
Thanks for the feedback. Again try and go cold turkey on her as much as you can for a while.
And go and find someone to talk to. It's really important. You're in Canada. We spend a lot of money on mental health if you look for it. Tell them you've been feeling depressed. Try a university. They'll at least know where you can find someone.
I think one thing to remember next time: If you're in a relationship, your partner is going to screw up big time. You are going to screw up big time (my dad drove the car "through" the garage). Next time, take a few days before you make a move like this. Talk it out. Even if you break up, you'll feel better. And she'll feel better about you because you tried. And you'll be able to trust someone else better. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, acjamn2 +, writes (12 July 2010):
acjamn2 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Also... to CindyCares, how would I go about improving my "screening process." I mean, I knew about her past which wasn't the greatest (fooled around with guys, but never sex) but I was her first and truly believed that we could get past anything. You know that whole love conquers all stuff.
...............................
A
male
reader, acjamn2 +, writes (12 July 2010):
acjamn2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, already you guys are giving me wonderful advice. Just to clear up a few things, I broke up with her the next day because I couldn't even look at her without thinking of what she did and I was always the type of person with the idea that once someone cheated one me... that was it. Yet somehow I'm willing to make an exception for her.I've begun distancing myself from her and talking to her less. Its helping a little bit but there's still that huge void of a close physical intimate connection with someone you love. I have no idea if I can trust any woman the same. She was the first woman I decided to open up to 110% and she stomped on my heart.
...............................
A
male
reader, 11muds11 +, writes (12 July 2010):
I'm sorry this happened to you. It can be a terrible feeling. But it has happened many times before, and with some steps, we can get you back on your feet.First, you have to figure out a way to see her as little as possible for the next little while. You need some space to heal and you're not getting it. By seeing her with your group of friends, it's just bringing back the memories and feelings. You might have to stay away from whole group for a while. Maybe see your friends indivually or in smaller groups without her. If you bump into her, no problem, say hi and be cordial and then just go on. That will help with the space thing too. Time is a great healer if you have space.Second, this is a very normal thing to do for a girl her age. Sometimes it's just a way for a girl to make sure she doesn't get too serious with a man and she's the one who ends up where you are right now. Many times it's a way to avoid of getting into a stage where the next level is an engagement. And sometimes it's done because she's having a problem with the relationship and she's picked a bad way to deal with it. There could be many reasons. In all of those examples, there are reasons not to get back into the relationship with the person. I don't think she's going to ask you for forgiveness.You were right to be upset. And no one can blame you for dumping her. But maybe she likes you so much as a friend, and she didn't want to break up with you because she knew it would hurt you badly. So she chose this way as to give you the satisfaction of breaking up with her. But there could be many reasons....all at the same time.And you did dump her the next day. Was it because she cold when she told you? Was she very emotional and you wanted to teach her a lesson? I have no idea what happened there, but maybe by breaking up with her so soon, she wasn't able to deal with the problem between the 2 of you, and she felt let down that you didn't let her really explain herself.Or maybe she felt you should forgive a young girls mistake better.But again there could be many reasons.Sorry mate. I don't think she's going to beg you for forgiveness. You might try sitting down with her calmly once - alone in a friendly place - to find out what really happened, (and you should be ready for any answer). Try to be positive and listen to her and let her speak. But if she's feeling very cold about it, it may not help. And after she says it, expect that you'll only be friends. It might be a good way to go, as long as you don't at all get upset at what she says, and try to understand her side of it. Then go to the the plan to try not to see her for a while.Last, you need to talk about this with someone. It's very normal to feel the way you feel, especially considering the lack of space with her, but you need to take some steps to get out of it. If your at school go and talk to a councellor or psychologist. You need to talk to someone. It will help a lot. I know it helped me.Hope this is what you were looking for. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 July 2010):
Of course you will love and trust again. Just, hopefully a different type of woman.
I am talking by personal experience- 9o percent of relationship glitches happen because of a faulty intital screening process. Because of romantic fantasies- or pure,blind lust :)- we do not activate our filters and let into our lives people who have no business being there to begin with.
In your case, for instance, the big problem is not even that your ex cheated on you. The big problem is that she probably is the type of girl who wallows in male attention like a pig in the mud. "A guy offered drinks "...So? Was she obliged to accept ? Could she not politely smile and decline ?.... Second, another biiiig problem is that she
drinks too much for her own good - and safety. She drinks
to the point of totally abandoning any control over impulses,ergo ending in bed with total strangers. Wtf,get a girl who does not drink, or that can hold her drinks !
Ok, I know what I say is not much comfort to you- but my point is, -we are co-creating our misfortunes. There is no point in blaming our significant other for being wanton or spiteful or something- until we do not realize we share the responsibility for calling that wantonness or spite upon us, by our poor or rash choices.
Move on- learn from this mistake- and youll never have to repeat it again.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): Well at least she was honest with you, even though her timing wasn't too good.
It is you that has broken up the relationship. You are expecting her to beg on her knees but none of us is here to live up to other people's expectations.
You have to decide for yourself whether you could take her back on these terms and whether you want to talk to her about it.
You are not the only person in the world who has been cheated on. It happens a lot. It doesn't mean that others aren't to be trusted. If you start up with someone else, maybe you could explain what happened to you. There is no guarantee anywhere that it couldn't happen again, but that person may be more understanding as a result.
...............................
|
