A
male
age
51-59,
*desey
writes:okay I'm really confused on this one. I am 47 my girlfriend 45. Will be going out for 6 months and ever since day one she continually breaks up with me.I mean literally she can break up with me more than once in a week and then she comes running back or I go to her. So the cycle continues.I need a mention and that her ex husband of eight years is still very involved in her life although they have no children together. I think it's some weird level he wants her back. He pays for everything for her even though he doesn't have to. I don't think she's ever committed 100 percent. and never really talks about "forever" with me. I think I'm at a point were the only winning move is to not play. I hate that but the break ups over and over and over is just eating me alive.o. I think she has an incredible fear of abandonment. Has anyone else experienced the constant on / off deal and how did you deal with that? Is there any hope that she willl ever change?.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (8 October 2014):
 She sounds like a nutcase. This is not normal behaviour. Relationships should not be like this. If she's like this in her forties, she'll almost certainly never change.
Do yourself a favour and get out of this messy, crazy relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2014): I really think her time with you should've been over nobody should go through this mess.She does love anyone but herself.Break this cycle you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2014): I think that she is breaking up and coming back because she likes some aspect of the relationship but not other aspects. She is getting something from you that she doesn't want to give up and permanently breaking up means she gives those things up. But there are things she doesn't want in the relationship so she breaks it off and the cycle continues. I'm sure that you take her back to give her another chance or so that you can change yourself to keep her. Because there are aspects that you want. It sounds like she isn't ready for a relationship and since she's not talking about forever, she's seeing it as temporary until she isn't getting anything out of it anymore. While she *could* be friends with her ex and maybe he likes helping, maybe she's still holding onto that.
In her previous relationship:
1.Who broke up with whom?
2.Why did they break up?
3.Were they friends before that for a long time and that is why they still talk?
4.How long ago did they break up?
It *is* hard to end an 8-year history, especially if they have hobbies and friends in common still - unless one person is a raging jerk, they can't be expected to change jobs, hang-outs, friends etc. because they have a history with those friends and hangouts etc. So some contact makes sense. Does she need the money or just take it?
I think she feels guilty for dating anyone since he's in her life. I have a feeling she dumped him and he is trying to make sure to stay in her life "just in case" or to make her feel obligated to stay single. I agree that you should totally cut it off from her. Tell her that you are done with the on-again-off-again and that it is over. Don't give her another chance, she's had too many. If she turns around and becomes a person who doesn't do this to the next person, that doesn't mean *you* were the problem. It just means she learned a lesson. No contact unless you absolutely have to and then keep the conversation/contact to the business at hand. If you go to the same place of worship, sure, shake hands. If you volunteer at the same place, sure, help her stock supplies if you're assigned to. But if she tries to say anything other than the necessary or "hello" stop her and say, "I'm only talking about things related to work/church/the dog kennel" or "I'm only saying hi to be polite. enjoy your coffee *silence and cut off eye contact*"
It will take awhile, she may get obsessive, but don't take her calls and be FIRM when you tell her not to call you or contact you. Honestly, I'd document it and file a complaint if you have to. That sounds extreme, but she needs boundaries
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 October 2014):
 There is no reason her ex-husband of 8 years should still be in her life in any capacity, and her constant breakups are a manipulation tactic used by her to avoid being accountable in your relationship. Any time there is conflict, or you call her on her activities, she'll end the conversation before having to deal with the hard issues. This is emotional abuse of you AND abuse of what should be a Nuclear Event. A breakup should be like a gun firing - it can't be called back and the pain can't be undone.
You are allowing this to happen at a great cost to your emotional well-being. When she breaks up, you don't treat it like it should be treated - like a breakup. You let her come running back, or you do the same because you can't accept what seems like rejection, and all the while the threat of it hangs overhead because she doesn't want you addressing her ex's involvement.
She doesn't have a fear of abandonment. People with abandonment issues don't threaten breakups as a manipulation tactic. She has your number. She knows YOU have abandonment issues, or you'd never for one moment put up with an ex in her life as well as running back to her over and over again with the breakups.
If I were you, I'd break up with HER and treat it like the Nuclear Event it should be. She's really hurting you, and you need to get away from his toxic environment.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 I think she's using her ex for money. She doesn't love him but feels guilty being with you so the solution is to break up but can't stay broken up. She does not have a fear of abandonment. She is half abandoning her ex and playing with both men.
I had experience of on and off relationships. I did not deal with it well at all. I started seeing other people, then having sex purposefully to screw up the primary relationship so any chance of reconciliation would be destroyed. I know men can't stand it when women get with others. Even in a break up they feel they still own you. I am sure women can do the same thing too. You absolutely shouldn't repeat what I did. I should have just ended it. I swore I would never be with a commitment phobe and the first break up would be the last break up.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 I would find it very frustrating to be in a relationship where the other partner constantly broke up with me, frustrating and hurtful.
At age 45 I doubt your girlfriend will ever change, so you need to decide if this is really what you want, the on off relationship AND the ex husband whom she seems to accept as her provider.
I think your gut feeling that she has never committed 100% to you or your relationship is correct ... if you are looking for somebody to be your 'forever' person she isn't it.
Do yourself a favour and let this one go, you wont find anybody else while you are hooked into this cycle of break up make up and this relationship is going no where!
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